til death do us part...

Being "in love" is not an emotion I am experienced at, nor can I claim to understand the depth of intimacy a couple experiences within the walls of marriage. However, sometimes I feel God has gifted me the ability to imagine these experiences in my heart to understand in part the interactions of those around me.
Today I cried from such an interaction.
I called home yesterday to learn that someone I knew had just lost her husband suddenly in a tragic accident. A young mother of four, she is now thrust into life without her husband, her love, her best friend. Who can understand the depth of grief a person must endure...
A sleepless nite of thought ensued as I pondered the face of God in such moments. I will not pretend to understand the ways of God, the grief process individuals must journey through, or return volley with pat answers that cannot fathom the depth of loss...But in every darkened cloud there is a lining of hope - the very presence of God Himself amidst the storms...the tears...the questions...the loneliness...
It may only be a sliver in the making, but it is the whispered memory of His promises to those who love Him. It is the first shard of light to pierce the darkness and remind our grieving eyes of coming dawn...
There was a song we sang in church this morning that pressed on my thoughts the overwhelming truth of what it means to be a Christian...

"The same power that conquered the grave
Lives in me...lives in me...
The same love that rescued the earth
Lives in me...lives in me..."

Think about this for just a moment...
and then think about it once more...

The power that lives in us conquered the grave. Our lives are but a breath...a seamless step from life into eternal life. Even in the face of death we find victory because we are found in Christ...
This is such a simple yet profound truth. Whatever we are facing...struggles, uncertainty, weakness - a power abides within us that can overcome them. Whatever paths of darkness we must walk...the loss of loved ones, broken relationships, sickness - a love that saved the world lives within us that can save us...And yet for those who are left behind we feel less than victorious. Our worlds are ripped apart. Our heart is broken. We remain - stunned by the reality of humanity - clinging to God's promises that we will overcome. That by His love we'll make it...moment by moment...

And so, having said that -
I have nothing to say...
Nothing to make sense of this tragedy...
Nothing that will reach into the depths of your aching heart and bring relief to the unspeakable pain...
Nothing that will stop the tears from falling...
but I will pray...
Pray for a peace that surpasses our human understanding...
Pray for the Comforter to hold in ways that my humanity falls short...
Pray that His promises will carry you from this dark night and into the morning...

breathing room...

Have you ever held your breath for an extended period of time? Cheeks puffed...lungs bursting - each second screaming at you for a release...for mercy...to exhale...I've been waiting to exhale for a long time...
After years of holding my breath: attempts to try and live up to people's expectations, to prove their opinions of me are wrong, living in the fear and pressure of what someone will think, to fit in, to get every step "right" and be involved in all the "right" ministries and opportunities, my 30-year old lungs are screaming at me...
I need to exhale...
I need to breathe...
It spiralled to the point of a caffeine overload, a booth at Montanna's and the question "Why?"
Why do you think God expects that?
Why are you living in fear?
Why are you patterning your thoughts around pressure?
Why?...
Why is such a great question, and yet it is restless in thoughts...
It doesn't allow you to walk away...
It cannot remain unanswered...
DANG IT!!!
At this point in my life, it had to be asked... and it had to be answered...
In the past couple months God has been bringing me to this place - this breathing room. A place where I don't have to be pretend anymore. A place where confusion meets understanding.
He desires my heart...
My freedom in body and spirit...
My best...
And so He has been peeling back the layers...
Dismantling the lies...
Stripping away the pride...
Revealing the insecurities...
Exposing the shadows...
He's been poking at my pursed lips and puffed cheeks - BREATHE ALREADY!!!
And in the safety of who He is, and the understanding of who I am and the relationship I have with Him...I exhaled.
Weary...I was now ready to become vulnerable. To be raw. To be honest. To be exposed to the God who understands me - who "gets" me. Who created me unique from the mold...
And I took my first breath...His very love and being filled my lungs...
This is the air I breathe...
This is the air I breath...
Your very presence living in me...
I want people to love who I really am...every unpolished nook and cranny of my life, my heart my mind. I want them to see. To know. And to love anyway...But even if they don't, I have a God who does.
I'm tired of the cycle of jumping through people's hoops. Fitting into their ideals. Their plans. Their expectations. I'm tired of supressing my spirit - trying to gain acceptance. Trying to save face. Explaining myself. Defending my actions. I'm tired of trying to hide everything in the closets when there's a knock on the door. Tired of people telling me how to experience God.
I want to be free.
I want the freedom to fail
if failure in the eyes of the world will draw me closer to my Creator.
I want to be different.
I want to be able to breathe.
I am accountable to God...not man.
His love is reassuring and unconditional.
His mercies are new.
He has less of an agenda than you think He does.
He is patient.
He is wanting.
He is waiting for you to breathe.This morning I woke up with paint cans in my "room", and a note
"Have fun"...

i should have listened more...

I went to a Bible school in England almost 10 years ago...scary thought (on the length of time that is!) And in a couple weeks I will be able to retrace my footsteps back to that castle nestled in the heart of Britains rolling lake district and relive some of those memories. Tho mischief and mayhem were my main companions of the day, this was the pivotal point of my spiritual walk. I had the opportunity to learn and grow under some great leaders in the faith.
It's kind of ironic how things full circle in your life. The other day I found a story from a random book that chatted about the leader and founder of Capernwray. His name was Major Ian Thomas. He passed away this year, but while at school I had the privilege of hearing him speak, and spend Christmas chatting. I was struck at how the story really reflected my current quandry of thought...
"Out of a sheer desire to win souls, to go straight out and get them, I was a windmill of activity, until at the age of nineteen, every moment of my day was packed tight with doing things: preaching, talking, counseling.
"The only thing that alarmed me was that nobody was converted. That gets a little discouraging after a bit, doesn't it? The more I did, the less happened, and it was not a question of insincerity. The prospects and the environment were good; there was plenty of ammunition and plenty of target, but just nothing happened! I became deeply depressed because I really loved the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart; I wanted to be made a blessing to my fellow men. But I discovered that forever doubling and redoubling my efforts, rushing here and dashing there, taking part in this campaign, taking part in that campaign, preaching in the evening, talking to the Bible class, witnessing to this one, counseling with another, did nothing, nothing to change the utter barrenness and uselessness of my activity.
"Thus by the age of nineteen, I had been reduced to a state of complete exhaustion spiritually, until I felt that there was no point in going on.
"But one night in November, I got down on my knees in my room and wept in sheer despair. 'Oh God,' I said, 'I know that I am saved. I love Jesus Christ. I am perfectly convinced that I am converted. With all my heart I have wanted to serve You. I have tried my utmost and I am a hopeless failure.'
"Suddenly a phrase from a Bible verse flashed in my mind: Christ who is your life! It hit me with terrific force and it seemed God was saying this: 'For seven years with utmost sincerity, you have been trying to live for Me, on My behalf, the life I have been waiting seven years to live through you. Now supposing I am your life...I am your strength...I am your victory in every area of life.'
"I relinquished my own role in my life, saying to the Lord: 'If this is true, than I am going to thank You for it in sheer cold-blooded faith, with no evidence to support it, and nothing but a history of failure behind me. I am going to thank You that if You are my life, and this is true, then You are my strength, You are my power, You are my future. You are the One who is going to go out now, clothed with me, to do all that I so hopelessly have been trying to do in the past seven years."

I have so exhaustively tried living for God that over the past couple years I have fallen prey to my ideas of what I think I should be doing and how I should be living. I am a sucker for not being able to say no...for wanting to help whenever and with whatever I can. Although these have not been "wrong" in the nature of the activity, and have been somewhat fruitful, they have sapped my energy from God living through me. They have filled my time with good things, but not the BEST THING.
And so, I have taken a step back over the past couple months...from my commitments, my social groups, my life in general. I have learned to say no. I have started to quiet the busyness. The chaos. I have turned the volume down...and have begun to learn what it means to allow God to live through me.