a near drowning

I died the other nite.

For those of you who forgot to mourn

or half-mourn,

tuck your tissues away.

It was only a dream.

A dream,

and yet it continues to draw me to the question,

"Why are we given the capacity to dream?"

More often than not, 

my nights are filled with the unleashing of a mind

into vivid colours of the subconscious playland...

There are some I refuse to wake up from,

and some I can't force myself to wake up from.

Some twisted,

some coherent,

some that fade with awakening,

and some that penetrate my thoughts

and inspire me to peruse

the purpose of it

in the days following.

This was such a dream...

I remember in my dream

standing at the edge of the pool

with a group of faceless loved ones.

For whatever reason

we were enjoying the competition of diving.

I dove in,

stretching for the deep,

not satisfied until my fingers grazed the bottom...

but as soon as my legs tried to push me up to the surface,

it was like they were filled with lead.

Despite my strength as a swimmer,

I was trapped below.

I remember hearing the conversations of those above...

She's such a strong swimmer.

She doesn't need help.

Look at how deep she can go.

I remember thinking to myself...

I can do this.

If I can make it to the ladder

I'll be ok...

And with fingers almost within grasp of that ladder

everything went black.

For those who know me,

I love swimming.

I'll spend hours crossing lakes this summer.

Despite several near drownings in my life, 

I am not afraid of water.

(sidebar - the proper location for water wings is on the arms, not the ankles, as properly demonstrated below...)

But what does my dream mean?

Through hours of pondering it, today I asked God His thoughts.

In His grace, He walked me through my dream...

So often we stand at the pools of our own strengths.

We dive in, expecting them to keep us afloat...

and yet they become the very things that suffocate us.

We often like to dive deep into our personal will-power

so that we don't have to rely on the help of others...

and yet we can find ourselves hidden behind our very defense mechanisms,

our vulnerability lost to the mask of strength

at the bottom of our self-made pools,

alone and unable to help ourselves.

As loved ones, we fall victim to fixing our eyes to only see the surface.

In one's reflection of external strength,

we can often overlook the desperate view of internal weakness and struggle.

Our conversations become casual,

non-evasive,

and we can miss the cry for help

that lies muffled below the surface.

And in a humbling moment, 

God reminded me of my response.

I can do this.

If I can make it to the ladder

I'll be ok...

I chose to focus on myself.

I didn't ask for help.

Despite the desperation of the situation,

I relied on my own strength to get me to the ladder,

and it didn't work.

Not only had I robbed myself of the help of others,

I had denied the One who is my EVER PRESENT HELP...

And with all these ponderings,

God reminded me of a psalm I memorized

to a funny, obscure little tune when I was younger...

The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; His ears are open to their cries for help. The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:15,17,18