i should have listened more...
I went to a Bible school in England almost 10 years ago...scary thought (on the length of time that is!) And in a couple weeks I will be able to retrace my footsteps back to that castle nestled in the heart of Britains rolling lake district and relive some of those memories. Tho mischief and mayhem were my main companions of the day, this was the pivotal point of my spiritual walk. I had the opportunity to learn and grow under some great leaders in the faith.
It's kind of ironic how things full circle in your life. The other day I found a story from a random book that chatted about the leader and founder of Capernwray. His name was Major Ian Thomas. He passed away this year, but while at school I had the privilege of hearing him speak, and spend Christmas chatting. I was struck at how the story really reflected my current quandry of thought...
"Out of a sheer desire to win souls, to go straight out and get them, I was a windmill of activity, until at the age of nineteen, every moment of my day was packed tight with doing things: preaching, talking, counseling.
"The only thing that alarmed me was that nobody was converted. That gets a little discouraging after a bit, doesn't it? The more I did, the less happened, and it was not a question of insincerity. The prospects and the environment were good; there was plenty of ammunition and plenty of target, but just nothing happened! I became deeply depressed because I really loved the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart; I wanted to be made a blessing to my fellow men. But I discovered that forever doubling and redoubling my efforts, rushing here and dashing there, taking part in this campaign, taking part in that campaign, preaching in the evening, talking to the Bible class, witnessing to this one, counseling with another, did nothing, nothing to change the utter barrenness and uselessness of my activity.
"Thus by the age of nineteen, I had been reduced to a state of complete exhaustion spiritually, until I felt that there was no point in going on.
"But one night in November, I got down on my knees in my room and wept in sheer despair. 'Oh God,' I said, 'I know that I am saved. I love Jesus Christ. I am perfectly convinced that I am converted. With all my heart I have wanted to serve You. I have tried my utmost and I am a hopeless failure.'
"Suddenly a phrase from a Bible verse flashed in my mind: Christ who is your life! It hit me with terrific force and it seemed God was saying this: 'For seven years with utmost sincerity, you have been trying to live for Me, on My behalf, the life I have been waiting seven years to live through you. Now supposing I am your life...I am your strength...I am your victory in every area of life.'
"I relinquished my own role in my life, saying to the Lord: 'If this is true, than I am going to thank You for it in sheer cold-blooded faith, with no evidence to support it, and nothing but a history of failure behind me. I am going to thank You that if You are my life, and this is true, then You are my strength, You are my power, You are my future. You are the One who is going to go out now, clothed with me, to do all that I so hopelessly have been trying to do in the past seven years."
I have so exhaustively tried living for God that over the past couple years I have fallen prey to my ideas of what I think I should be doing and how I should be living. I am a sucker for not being able to say no...for wanting to help whenever and with whatever I can. Although these have not been "wrong" in the nature of the activity, and have been somewhat fruitful, they have sapped my energy from God living through me. They have filled my time with good things, but not the BEST THING.
And so, I have taken a step back over the past couple months...from my commitments, my social groups, my life in general. I have learned to say no. I have started to quiet the busyness. The chaos. I have turned the volume down...and have begun to learn what it means to allow God to live through me.
It's kind of ironic how things full circle in your life. The other day I found a story from a random book that chatted about the leader and founder of Capernwray. His name was Major Ian Thomas. He passed away this year, but while at school I had the privilege of hearing him speak, and spend Christmas chatting. I was struck at how the story really reflected my current quandry of thought..."Out of a sheer desire to win souls, to go straight out and get them, I was a windmill of activity, until at the age of nineteen, every moment of my day was packed tight with doing things: preaching, talking, counseling.
"The only thing that alarmed me was that nobody was converted. That gets a little discouraging after a bit, doesn't it? The more I did, the less happened, and it was not a question of insincerity. The prospects and the environment were good; there was plenty of ammunition and plenty of target, but just nothing happened! I became deeply depressed because I really loved the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart; I wanted to be made a blessing to my fellow men. But I discovered that forever doubling and redoubling my efforts, rushing here and dashing there, taking part in this campaign, taking part in that campaign, preaching in the evening, talking to the Bible class, witnessing to this one, counseling with another, did nothing, nothing to change the utter barrenness and uselessness of my activity.
"Thus by the age of nineteen, I had been reduced to a state of complete exhaustion spiritually, until I felt that there was no point in going on.
"But one night in November, I got down on my knees in my room and wept in sheer despair. 'Oh God,' I said, 'I know that I am saved. I love Jesus Christ. I am perfectly convinced that I am converted. With all my heart I have wanted to serve You. I have tried my utmost and I am a hopeless failure.'
"Suddenly a phrase from a Bible verse flashed in my mind: Christ who is your life! It hit me with terrific force and it seemed God was saying this: 'For seven years with utmost sincerity, you have been trying to live for Me, on My behalf, the life I have been waiting seven years to live through you. Now supposing I am your life...I am your strength...I am your victory in every area of life.'
"I relinquished my own role in my life, saying to the Lord: 'If this is true, than I am going to thank You for it in sheer cold-blooded faith, with no evidence to support it, and nothing but a history of failure behind me. I am going to thank You that if You are my life, and this is true, then You are my strength, You are my power, You are my future. You are the One who is going to go out now, clothed with me, to do all that I so hopelessly have been trying to do in the past seven years."
I have so exhaustively tried living for God that over the past couple years I have fallen prey to my ideas of what I think I should be doing and how I should be living. I am a sucker for not being able to say no...for wanting to help whenever and with whatever I can. Although these have not been "wrong" in the nature of the activity, and have been somewhat fruitful, they have sapped my energy from God living through me. They have filled my time with good things, but not the BEST THING.
And so, I have taken a step back over the past couple months...from my commitments, my social groups, my life in general. I have learned to say no. I have started to quiet the busyness. The chaos. I have turned the volume down...and have begun to learn what it means to allow God to live through me.
posted by The Bean Bag Chair at 4:35 PM
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