breathing room...

Have you ever held your breath for an extended period of time? Cheeks puffed...lungs bursting - each second screaming at you for a release...for mercy...to exhale...I've been waiting to exhale for a long time...
After years of holding my breath: attempts to try and live up to people's expectations, to prove their opinions of me are wrong, living in the fear and pressure of what someone will think, to fit in, to get every step "right" and be involved in all the "right" ministries and opportunities, my 30-year old lungs are screaming at me...
I need to exhale...
I need to breathe...
It spiralled to the point of a caffeine overload, a booth at Montanna's and the question "Why?"
Why do you think God expects that?
Why are you living in fear?
Why are you patterning your thoughts around pressure?
Why?...
Why is such a great question, and yet it is restless in thoughts...
It doesn't allow you to walk away...
It cannot remain unanswered...
DANG IT!!!
At this point in my life, it had to be asked... and it had to be answered...
In the past couple months God has been bringing me to this place - this breathing room. A place where I don't have to be pretend anymore. A place where confusion meets understanding.
He desires my heart...
My freedom in body and spirit...
My best...
And so He has been peeling back the layers...
Dismantling the lies...
Stripping away the pride...
Revealing the insecurities...
Exposing the shadows...
He's been poking at my pursed lips and puffed cheeks - BREATHE ALREADY!!!
And in the safety of who He is, and the understanding of who I am and the relationship I have with Him...I exhaled.
Weary...I was now ready to become vulnerable. To be raw. To be honest. To be exposed to the God who understands me - who "gets" me. Who created me unique from the mold...
And I took my first breath...His very love and being filled my lungs...
This is the air I breathe...
This is the air I breath...
Your very presence living in me...
I want people to love who I really am...every unpolished nook and cranny of my life, my heart my mind. I want them to see. To know. And to love anyway...But even if they don't, I have a God who does.
I'm tired of the cycle of jumping through people's hoops. Fitting into their ideals. Their plans. Their expectations. I'm tired of supressing my spirit - trying to gain acceptance. Trying to save face. Explaining myself. Defending my actions. I'm tired of trying to hide everything in the closets when there's a knock on the door. Tired of people telling me how to experience God.
I want to be free.
I want the freedom to fail
if failure in the eyes of the world will draw me closer to my Creator.
I want to be different.
I want to be able to breathe.
I am accountable to God...not man.
His love is reassuring and unconditional.
His mercies are new.
He has less of an agenda than you think He does.
He is patient.
He is wanting.
He is waiting for you to breathe.This morning I woke up with paint cans in my "room", and a note
"Have fun"...