it's time...

I had my own private worship service with God today... it was pretty amazing, not going to lie! I brought a blanket, my camera and journal, and camped out with the bugs and one lonely and confused bee in the long grasses of my hill. I haven't been there for years... it was looooong overdue. I guess it's been a progressive journey past (and thru) the things that don't matter to the one thing that matters - a relationship with Jesus Christ. All of the the rest of life is just stuff that gets in the way until you're truly connected with God.
The sun broke through for a few glorious moments as I lay in the grass watching the cloudy sky pass me by. It was almost as if God was showing a glimpse of His favour on those who pursue His presence. And between watching spiders dance on their webs and prepare dinner, to scribbling madly in my journal, I got the insane idea to run and dance. Yeah... okay. Whatever. Like I'm going to do that - I'll probably kill my ankle, or fall into the creek, or get reported by the neighbours!!!
Obedience to the point of stupidity... here goes nothing. And so I got up and ran through the meadow. A little hesitant at first, and then with a little more energy... and then full-out with a few arm-flailing twirls. I pretty much looked like an idiot... God only knows what the poor couple walking down the road thought as I spun around and realized they had been watching me! But you know what? I didn't care!
...I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King, nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul... and I'll become even more undignified than this, some may say its foolishness, and I'll become even more undignified than this, lay my pride by my side... thanx David Crowder for penning a song that captured the heart of King David's worship and should challenge us to passionately live before the One who deserves our whole-hearted praise!
One of the ways that I worship God is through my camera lens... ...and one of the ways God speaks to me is through the simple things I see thru my viewfinder. They become metaphors, preachers...challenges to sow the seed, to not allow the life within me to dry and shrivel out...to seek refreshment and the treasure that God has placed in my heart...you should try taking a camera out sometime, and stop and look at a creation that God is speaking to you through.
God revealed so much to my heart during this consecrated time to Him. It's amazing what you can hear when you actually shut up and listen! He is everywhere and in everything. He desires our hearts. Our focus. Our love.
As I was sitting there I watched an insect straddle-walk two blades of grass. It was going fine until the blades started stretching in different directions. He started to struggle - he had to commit to one or the other. The point came where he had to make a choice between the two, or stay in the same place. Interesting life parallel for anyone...Anyways, the last part of my time was spent penning a song. The lyrics flowed out thru raw, unpolished ink... perhaps someday God will give me a tune, or someone else a tune... for now it's words in a journal... a simple worship song to One who is changing me beyond expectation...

Never be the same...
Father of heaven, Maker of earth
Creator of my soul
You spoke, one word
And all that's of worth
Found light in amazing love.

The mountains will shake
and fall into the sea
The oceans will roar Your name
Your presence will melt
the darkness will flee
And I'll never be the same

As I look to the hills
As I search out the skies
As I gaze upon Your grace
My heart is awakened
My spirit is shaken
And I'll never be the same

I surrender
All that I am
All that I'll be
I surrender
I lay it all down
That You may be found in me

You speak in the whispers
You speak in the wind
Your beauty is all around
I cannot mistake You
I cannot replace You
You fill me entirely

As I look to the hills
As I search out the skies
As I gaze upon Your grace
My heart is awakened
My spirit is shaken
And I'll never be the same

I surrender
All that I am
All that I'll be
I surrender
I lay it all down
That You may be found in me
I surrender
All that I am
All that I'll be
I surrender
I lay it all down
And I'll never be the same
No...I'll never be the same

May each of us allow God to change our hearts in such radical ways that we are never the same...that we continue to grow deeper and closer to Him each passing moment. May your heart never rest until it rests in Him...

obedient to the point of stupidity...

After Revolution last week, this was a phrase that was on my heart. I’ve had a few people wonder what it meant exactly. I would wager the opinion that it involves a surrender to God and His work in your life in such a complete way, that you would pretty much be willing to do anything He asked in your life – no matter how stupid it would make you look or feel. It involves nailing ones pride and flesh to a cross, and stepping out because the One calling you is worth the sacrifice. This, by the way, is complete foolishness to a world that cycles on reason and logic. God’s wisdom is in exact opposite to human wisdom…I think it was made this way so that when one obeys something that doesn’t make sense in their brain, whatever results from it can only be accounted to God and bring Him the glory. It is very Biblical to lean NOT on your own understanding...

sidebar... I thought it was interesting that the word "stupid" actually is derived from the word "stupere" which means to "be amazed or stunned"

Imagine what would happen if Christians actually started being obedient to the point of looking stupid. How does that work itself out practically, one might ask…to Mr. Genor, it was handing out pamphlets on George Street and posing salvations question to complete strangers, (George Street Story), to George Muller it was sitting his 200+ orphans down to pray for a meal when there was no food in the kitchen (they never missed a meal BTW)... it could be as simple as a physical response (ie. kneeling, raising your hands etc) in worship, picking someone up on the side of the road, taking the “wrong” way home, shouting something out randomly, starting a convo with a stranger... anything to get us out of our comfort zones and stepping in obedience to whatever the Spirit is leading you to,
Last nite it was leading worship.
That may not seem so extreme to some people - but it goes deeper than just singing a song. Tonite God did something awesome in my heart... and it started with obedience. I had reached a point of desperation. I needed more of God. I wanted more of God. It was pressing on my heart without release. I wanted to live completely abandoned. Completely in love... without hesitation or regret. With my whole heart, soul, life, body.
Last week during worship God told me to lead in singing. Ya right! There’s a worship team up there for a reason! I’m not a confident singer by any stretch of the imagination, and getting up infront of people is COMPLETELY outside my comfort zone. Let me hide out in the background vocals sections! I countered by singing “louder” from my little corner in the back. It was okay... just as good I figured.
Maybe not...
This week @ Rev we had a different start to worship: silence. No music. No leaders. No crutches. We were being called to worship a holy God with our hearts. The picture God gave me was a soul walking through a desert - leaning not on formality, familiarity, tradition... desperately seeking their love. And in this desert was an oasis. A paradise. The reward for persistance and obedience. Little did I know that this was the place God was leading me to.
We started singing and God was impressing my heart to go and lead worship. ACK! What the heck! I thought we went thru that last week! But tonite there was that restlessness that knew obedience was the only option. There was no back corner worship allowed tonite. (One thing about God pursuing your heart... He doesn’t give up very easily!) It was nailing my flesh... my pride... and stepping out and worshipping God with my guts because He is worthy of praise.
He is worth going out on a limb. He’s worth being humbled over. He is worthy of our praise - no matter what it sounds like! He is worthy of my obedience at all costs... to the point of making a fool of myself. It reminded me of King David being willing to become “more undignified than this” beause of His love for God. And so I sang... past my pride. Past my fears. Past the doubts and into the presence of my God. My obedience - a love song to my Saviour King. (sidebar again... God had already told Paul, the worship leader, that someone else would be leading worship... just so you don't think I'm the only one out in left field!)
Who am I to lead worship to the Most High God? I am no one. And yet I am one who loves Him. Who seeks after Him. Who desires to know Him more. I am one He delights in. He loves it when we praise Him without boundary in obedience, and with the motivation of bringing HIM the praise! It wasn't about physically leading worship... it was about the willingness to lead a life of worship, stepping outside myself because I love God more than my self.
I cannot begin to describe the freedom that washed over me in that time... the more I worshipped, the less hold my struggles, my obsessions, my lusts of the flesh held over my heart and gripped my thoughts, and the more He filled me with Himself. When the singing was over, I could barely crawl up the stairs to pray - humbled before Him and completely amazed at His love. I found Him in the wilderness as He had promsied I would. I came out of the desert leaning upon Him.
But it took a step of obedience. Abandonment. And my heart can’t stop singing...

another chapter

God has been doing some interesting renovations on my heart lately...yeah. He's been gentle in the process, but it takes a bit of stepping out and being open for Him to really do a lasting work. Last week during worship I was writing down what God had been revealing to me about myself...and it kinda morphed into a response from Him. I didn't really think I'd ever share it, but last nite He asked me to infront of a whole room of people. Awkward...however, I don't think a lot of what is blocking my heart from freedom is isolated to just me. Maybe you have a wounded spirit within you that needs healing. Hopefully you are encouraged by God's words of love to us all...


In the corner of my heart – cowering and alone – is the Spirit of Acceptance. Bruised by lies and broken by rejection. Eyes once full of hope are hollowed by despair. A mouth full of song is blackened by the decay of sarcasm. Defending. Protecting. Full of fear.
The whisper of a heartbeat…just a whisper. But there. There in the darkness. Living in the pain. Surviving in the moment. Waiting. Lungs gulping at a destiny…the desire for more. For freedom.
In this darkened corner, His hand stretches out -reaching past the rags to the treasure placed within Acceptance. She has been robbed of her beauty by the blinded; by falsehoods. She has been clothed in tattered lies. They attempt to strip her of her inheritance, but no amount of strength, no sword, no darkness, no lie can steal what has been betrothed. She has been accepted.

You are mine. You are mine. Betrothed to me forever. In righteousness. In justice. In truth. In love. You are mine. Stop looking at the rubble to build your dreams upon…take My hand…I have prepared a place for you. Forget the lies you’ve been fed that have poisoned your thoughts, bruised your heart and blinded your eyes from seeing the Love standing before you.
I give good gifts to my children…to my bride up to half my kingdom! Never doubt that my best for you will be poured into your life. Don’t believe the lie that you have been looked over...that you are not good enough...that you are being punished. TRUST ME! Trust me with your whole heart. You have been accepted by the most high God. I will not deny you my love. I will not deny you the experience of love. Of protection. Of a heart resting in peace. TRUST ME!
Don’t sell yourself short. You have been accepted. You are the bride of heaven. Stop hiding. Don’t be afraid to be exposed and vulnerable before me. I love you! I love you ! I love you! I have made you to be free. I have created you to be beautiful. Believe it. Believe it for yourself. I who made you and created you know – the desires of your heart and what you need. I will provide. I will be protect. DO NOT BE AFRAID! I love you with a love that will never leave or forsake you. I love you. You are mine. The heavens lie open before you. I will clothe you as a field dressed in wildflowers. You shall be free. Free to love. Free to live. FREE!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I've never been in love. This was one of my random thoughts of the nite. I've loved family. I've loved friends...but never have I experienced those "highest halls of happiness" my grandfather used to tease me about. Kind of a tragedy really...but it's the truth. I've crushed...I've dated...I've had boyfriends...but love has elluded me, leaving me to ponder this phenomenon as an outsider. A spectator. A critic.
What is it like to love? Really...
One can think of poetry and romance, maybe get a warm fuzzy or two...but that is only shallow and will be swept away without a root. Why do we love might be a better question. Is it the simple law of a thing called chemistry? Physical attraction? Intellectual amusement? A little arrow from a possessed angel? It's easy to love the ones who clean up nice...but what about the unloveables? The untouchables?
Who kisses the cheek of the disfigured? Who carresses the body of a burn victim? Who extends affection to the cranky old man who has nothing nice to say?
We pretend we know how to love, and yet we scoff at the abused wife who stays with her husband. We shake our heads at the man who stays with a cheating wife. We are apalled at the marriage of a murderer. A pedefile. A rapist. How could they possibly love? Who could possibly love them?
We could turn our questions to a Sovereign who reached into the deepest darkest pit and showed us what love truly is. He did not bend to social status and hung out with the rejected: prostitutes, theives, adulterers. He set His table with sinners. He kissed the cheek of one who would betray Him to death. He held the hand of the abuser and said "Father, forgive..." He turned to a thief and opened up to him the gates of paradise. He looked out on a world full of brokenness and hate and declared - "It is finished."
It is finished...we have been shown the gift of love by the one who created us to love. He is the one who is associated with the Ted Bundy's of the world and offers hope, and a heart of love. A love not conditioned by externals or actions...a love that is genuinely focused on the best for those He calls His own. It wasn't pity that nailed Him to the cross...it was love. Love for the untouchables. Love for the unloveables. Love for me. Love for you. Love for the worst person on the face of the planet. Love...
I want to see like Christ sees. I want to see the soul behind the surface...the potential and purpose beyond the physical realm we are trapped in.
And I want to love. I want to love as my Saviour loved me...beyond culture. Beyond conditions. Beyond comprehension.

16 lines

Had a little confrontation with God last nite. In order to instigate freedom we need to face and acknowledge what is holding us back. The things collecting dust and stuffed in the closets of our hearts and minds. The junk that is just taking up space that God wants to fill with Himself.
Last nite He wrote a chapter of my life…maybe someday I’ll share it. For now I offer a simple poem – unpolished and surprisingly rhyming (I appreciate more abstract things)…but perhaps that in itself is a testimony of my life…
Whatever…God is exposing and I am humbled…

take a look inside my window...what do you see?rigid lines of duty...masked formality...6 strings that hold my song in fingers gently claspedbroken walls lay waste...
a beauty long since passed...behind the window...cowering soul that dares to dreamher fingers rooted deep within the core of mewaiting to unfurl the wings that long to flybut locked inside...shadows fill my thoughts...haunting memorieshid behind rusting doors...
held...released...a single note, so fragile in composing handsreaching out...
beyond the realm I understand...scribbled words upon the wall...what do you see?a bleeding heart spun safe in worlds of mysterywith feet that long to dance without a thought or fear...you've heard to much...
you've seen...
the sign is clear.