waiting for the dawn...

The last couple of weeks have been shadowed by a lingering darkness.
Darkness that chills the bone
clouds the mind
and wearies the soul.
It was the collision point of multiple burdens in the reality of the unpredictable twists of life, and my spirit was numb with the journey,
full of a heaviness I couldn't shake.

This past year has brought the arrival of a plethora of real hurts and struggles:
Broken marriages.
Broken homes.
Broken hearts.
Addictions.
Cancer without cure.
Depression.
Death.
And the list goes on...
each representing countless hours of prayer
each met with what felt like defeating silence.
And in the overwhelming moments of feeling that I had missed something somewhere, an exasperation choked my lungs -

"Are you even there?"
"Are you even listening?!!"

I crawled into my bed that nite,
hoping my closing eyes would shut out the heaviness of my heart.

"God doesn't turn all things to good...He just gives us the strength to live through them." These words followed by a list of dire situations and hurting people burned into my already battered brain.

Was it true?
It's nice to say that God turns all things to good...I mean, that's what the Bible says.
But what is our human reality of that?
It's one thing to say something you believe,
and an entirely different thing when you are called to walk that out in life...
sometimes down dark tunnels,
surrounded by silence,
surrounded by the coldness of the moment,
and no speck of light in view to bring hope of the end.

I was reminded of a verse God had given me earlier that week for a friend...
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand. Psalm 37:34b-24

But the feeling of this moment was that God had forgotten,
that He wasn't listening.
that it wasn't hitting the priority end of His list of things to do today.
And I was broken...weary...
feeling like the battered wife of life,
crying myself to sleep.
Stumbling...

...and it came.
An outstretched hand,
a vice-grip on my spirit,
a beautiful surprise...
through the "not so random" email of a student...
through the words of a song...
through the prayer of a friend...
precisely timed.
I knew God was reminding me He was listening.
He was gently teaching me that my feelings don't define Him.
That He was aware of what I needed, when I needed it.
Because He cares about the details...
about the falling sparrows.

And I learned something about prayer...
Sometimes they are like seeds - going through the process of growth before we see the fruit of them. It takes time - even years - for them to be fully answered.
Sometimes our prayers affect the immediate,
sometimes they invest in the future,
but every one of them is heard by a living God
who formed us in the depths
and will reach us in the depths.And in crawling out of bed to face another day,
I know it is in the times you feel like giving up that you need to press harder...
for sunrise is just a lingering moment away from darkness.

forty

As some of you may or may not be aware - I have spent the last 40 days fasting. For those of you unfamiliar with this practice, it is the sacrificing of something in your life to help you spiritually focus for a season. It is something that I've done in the past - but this time around I wanted something that would actually be work for me to cut out. So I chose solid food.
I know...what was I thinking?
I love food.
I love making food.
I love the texture of food.
I didn't realize how much it was a part of my life...until now.
It has been an interesting venture - nothing of what my anticipations would have wagered for - and at the end of it all, I am somewhat in a daze. In the wake of the past week, I'll be honest, I don't really feel like sharing. But I know that if I don't do it now...I never will. I have experienced the fingerprints of God on my life in a deep way - not in the way I was expecting -and I am changed...and changing...
The one thing that has amazed me through it all is this: not one person in the last 40 days asked me what God was saying - they were more concerned with the weight I must be losing and the food I wasn't eating. The almighty scale posed more interest than the spiritual.
And in truth, keeping my focus off the physical and onto the unseen has been the battle over the past 6 weeks. And as I've sipped my way through two blenders, a couple national elections, and the loss of a friend - today is the day of perspective and looking back on the journey...

Blenders are my new best friend.
Squash soup is off the menu for a long while.
I do not go to bed hungry.
I have a better understanding of what manna may have tasted like after 40 days - let alone 40 years!
Living on the edge is undertaking Thanxgiving dinner when you can't pre-taste anything!
Guacamole smoothies just don't compete with the real deal.
If it can't be blended...it can be melted.
Cheesecake freezes.
"Do you have a blender?" is not a crazy question to a waiter who is dressed like a hot dog.
Creativity is a good solution to deprivation!
Food takes up a lot of my thoughts.
Not eating is my choice - not my circumstance.
We take for granted the simple things God gives us.
I'm good at planning...it's the sticking to the plan that is work!
Writing my daily journey in my journal was a good idea...poorly executed.
Sacrifice is hard for selfish people.
I have a lot to learn about prayer.
I have a lot to learn about God.
I do not fully understand sacrifice.

Last nite I was lying in bed, unable to sleep after an exhaustive day of grieving. I was crossing a finish line - not in the burst of victorious home stretch adrenaline as I had anticipated, but crawling - wearied from the journey.
There are many things God carried my spirit through in the past 40 days - some I have shared. Some I may never share. I found it interesting my last day of fasting was spent at the graveside of a young friend and mother...I started the fast looking for answers, and ending it with more questions than I had begun with.

This, my friend, is life.
Unpredictable.
Searching.
Wrestling.
Sacrificing.
Seeking change.
Subject to change.
No guarantees.

In a moment - it all changes, and you realize it's not just about setting aside 40 days to gain perspective - but a lifetime.
Every moment counts.
Every day is a gift.
How you choose to unwrap that is your choice.

Seek the Lord while you can find him.
Call on him now while he is near.
Isaiah 55:6

when fair meets square...

Life is not fair.

I don’t know whoever got lost in birthing that concept,
but the reality of life is that it is not fair...
not in our human understanding of fair anyway.

People have lived in their perception of the unspoken rules of fairness.
Sacrifice = reward.
Surrender = protection.
Generosity = returned blessing.

If I give all that I have, it is only fair that, in return, someone will sow generously in my life.
If I surrender my life, it is only fair that I will be protected.
If I choose a life of sacrifice, it is only fair that I will receive blessing for selflessness.

And yet we see good things happening to those who don’t “deserve” it...
and suffering filling the lives of the good.

It isn’t fair.

But this is how we see grace...
Good things happening to those who don’t deserve it.

This is how we see faith...
The good finding strength in the face of pain.

And we learn a valuable lesson:
God doesn’t operate in our standard of fair.
He operates in His goodness.
For our ultimate good.

If our actions guaranteed blessing,
we’d sign up for the instant rewards instead of the journey...
the relationship.
If our choices secured a life of ease,
we would never experience
the depth,
the width
of the love of our Creator.
If everything was “fair”
we would rob ourselves
of knowing a living and breathing faith.

Life is not fair.

This morning I woke up to the news that a friend had passed away from cancer.
She had only been diagnosed two days before.
She has 3 young children.
A loving husband.
A circle of family and friends who never got to say good-bye.

Death is not fair.

And every time I face it I realize that it is not natural.
It was not a part of God’s plan for humanity,
but it is a part of our current reality.

These are the moments I don’t understand...

When I can’t see through the fog of circumstance
I must hold to what I know:
Life may not be fair,
But I believe in a God who knows...
a God of love
a God of mercy
a God of life.
A God who has the ability to rewrite ALL things to good...

Today a friend left the hospital - free from her pain,
while her husband walked out the door, beginning his journey through it.

Arlene - in my sadness, I rejoice that you are free from pain. You are loved and will be greatly missed. We will not forget...

Phil - I cannot imagine the inexpressible amount of pain you and your children are facing. I pray the everlasting arms of God to reach into the darkness and hold you where none of us can.Heavenly Father...I pray for the strength to live -
moment by moment
by your grace.
in your mercy.
for your love.

However long this gift of life may last...
may we live for your glory.