29 and holding...oops! I let go...

The inevitable has happened.
The doomsday preachers have said their piece
and the cake has been cut.
Anti-aging cream is apparently my new best friend,
reminding me that altho I may LOOK like I'm a teenager...
I have ascended past the hallways of awkward puberty and 80's fashions,
danced through the roarin' twenties -
across countries and continents,
through education and occupations -
and arrived at the doorway of the next dimension.

30.

The rumoured age of the awakening to life -
after spending the last decade or so figuring out who you are,
establishing what you want to do,
and pointing yourself in the general direction...
This is the age of unleashing.

This past week I took a good look at the last three decades of my life. I didn't really have time to take a DEEP gander - as always, long amounts of free time seems to be elusive in my life - but I did get enough of a glance to be amazed at where God has led me - especially the last 10 years. Birthdays are definitely days for reality checks and perspective points.
While there have been those who are constantly reminding me of the facts that life is now over, the demographics are shrinking, and the glaring reality that I'm still inhabiting a room @ my rents - I am refusing to accept this transition as anything less than my next adventure - free from the pressures of the mold! I am bound and determined to redefine what 30 looks like (dun dun dun)...and after that...maybe take over the world!!!
All joking aside, a friend had written on my wall that life starts @ 30. For illustration purposes, Jesus started His ministry @ 30...to think of what He accomplished in the 3 years following, and how it has impacted the planet over the last 2000 years is incredible!

Now I know I'm not called to save the planet...someone's already done that.
But I also know God has purposes in my life that He is bringing to completion.

After all the hype and anticipation of the upcoming transition, I had a good idea of where I wanted to be launching my next 30 years from - especially on a spiritual level.
Ideas. Expectations. Direction. Good intentions.
My horse was restless in the gates - anxious to start the race.
But instead at leading the pack from the gun shot,
I found myself on my knees,
humbly reminded that I'd tried to leave the gate without the key element:
The jockey.Then Christ will make his home in your hearts
as you trust in him.
Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.
And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should,
how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.
Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able,
through his mighty power at work within us,
to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Do you ever wonder what a heavenly sigh sounds like?
It's not the most comforting of sounds - but its origins lie in the patient love of a Father.
I felt such a sigh this week - as my whining prayers made even ME shake my head.
I was frustrated.
I already knew the answer to my problem.
I was just being lazy in dealing with it.
In my haste to make the next 30 count, I had focused on what I wanted to do,
instead of who I was doing it with.
I was busy preparing and planning...
instead of trusting and growing.

In our attempts to be intentional, fruitful Christians, we often forget the key element that will allow us to accomplish this effortlessly.
It is taking the time to be rooted in God...
trusting Him with every aspect of our existence...
being in absolute and complete awe at the width, the height, the depth of His love!

(Have you ever just sat for a moment and thought of God's love?
I highly recommend it.
It's life-changing.)

Above all else He wants to know and be known by us.
He wants us to understand the beat of His heart.
He desires us to take up residence there.
For it is only after training our hearts and minds to feel His pulse in this world
that He will be able to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend the next years of my life stumbling in weakness when I've been given the keys to strength.
I don't want to be depleting my energy "doing", because Infinitely greater things don't matter if you don't know the person you're doing it for.
I don't want to be a plant that has only enough water to survive.
I want to thrive.
I want to grow daily.
I want my roots to reach into the depths of God's love.
I want to trust Him fully.
And it starts with a choice,
investing the time
in intentional relationship
with the One who has the power
and is able
and waiting...

So if you don't mind, I gotta jet...
my back burner is calling me....

personal disclaimer

In my attempts of cleaning off my desktop in the last days of being in my twenties, I have found some old "thoughts" that I thought I'd share...just because I can.Just a little foreword to this note - in case some of you have failed to realize this glaring point in my life: I AM NOT PERFECT!
What spurred this train of thought?...a conversation - somewhat heated - that ended with this:
"You always have an answer. You always have the right thing to say."
This might have been on the borders of being encouraging, had it not been laced with an underlying bitterness.
These words lashed deeply into my thoughts tonite - and I was stunned to silence. With only one thing to say:
I'm sorry.
Sorry if at times I spout idealistic thoughts that could not find home in your world.
Sorry if while in the attempts to figure out truth I don't convey enough of my own reality -
the reality that I battle with sin every day and am in desperate need of a Saviour.
Sorry if I've inadvertently hidden the fact that
I don't have everything figured out.
I don't execute truth as I'd like.
I'm not as strong as you may think.
I'm human.
Really...I am.
I have come to the conclusion that I am profoundly and irrevocably screwed up.
Due to DNA there seems little hope of reversing that fact.
Thanx to Jesus I have a chance!

There are a million and one thoughts that fill my twisted and analytical mind...only a small fragment of which are birthed into actual sentances that find their ways through my lips or fingers. Tonite in my room I had a practice run of saying things I've always wanted to say - but have lacked the courage, the freedom, or the balance to utter. The sentences looked a little like this:

"...I'm afraid of disappointing you with who I really am..."
"...I wish you'd call...I really want to talk..."
"...I forgot. I'm sorry..."
"...I'm struggling...give me a minute..."
"...I need help..."
"...I can't do this..."
"...this hurt me..."

There's something liberating in the actuality of saying things out loud - even if only to yourself. Especially when you're being absolutely honest.
So I write this little note that you'll never receive...
You just became the faceless target of what I'd like to say but probably never will.
I'm good at that you know...hiding.
Behind emails.
Behind words.
Behind faces.
Behind a strength that even I can't hold up to.
I want to be real.
Raw.
Honest.
Transparent.
Accountable.
No more games.
No more misunderstandings.
No more guessing.
I want you to know me.
The real me.
The whole me.
Not just the pieces I let slip every once in a while.
No...each dark and shadowed corner.
Every unchartered thought.
The depths of unsurfaced emotion.
I want to be aware of your presence -
To be uncomfortablely awkward in its glory -
and find the freedom I am craving.

For tho exemplifying strength,
Underneath I am afraid.
Afraid of rejection.
Afraid of disappointing.
Afraid of losing.
Not ready to be wrong.
About you.
About myself.
About this thing we call life
and what we try to understand about death.

I want to drink in this cup
This cup of reality
The bitterness of pain
The burning of passion
The pursuit of victory.
I am intense.
I live intense.
I love intense.
And I want more.
More of you.
More than enough.
I want to be free.
Free to laugh.
Free to dance.
Free to create.
Free to be.
And I want you to love me.
Not because you agree with me...
But just because you can...
Because you want to...
Despite myself.

losing face

I had an interesting thought on my way home from work tonite.
After spending hours mulling the quirks of the global church - one phrase kept threading through my mind:
God would put his reputation on the line for us.
He would be willing to risk the reputation of the church at large
if it meant freedom in the life of one of his children.
He's more interested in thinking about you
than He is about what others think about Him.
Because the heart of the matter for God
is where the heart of the sinner is at the end of the day.
He left 99 sheep in a fold
to go after one that was lost.
How's that for odds.I love the passage that describes God's leadership...
"he who knew no sin became sin for us...
He made himself of no reputation...
came as a servant...
humbled Himself
obedient to the point of death..."

Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

God was humiliated...
He endured the deepest depths of human shame...
died at the hands of his very creation...
so He could save it.
He exposed Himself, so we could experience freedom.

Walking down the back alleys of Vancouver this summer, I was overwhelmed... without rain - the stench of urine off the hot pavement was incredible.
a heroin addict crouched behind a dumpster, drinking from partial empties and smashing the bottles.
a man looked up at me as we passed in the street,
his face dirty and his eye gouged out.
I've been to Africa where people are hungry, but it had been a while since I had walked down these streets of despair.
My eyes were repulsed...
my heart was gasping for air...
and God spoke...
"This was you...
this was where you were before I first met you." Some people clean up nice.
And some of those people forget they were ever dirty.
They see those still in the streets and turn away, repulsed.
Forgetting the compassion once shown to them.
They don't have an identity with the streets anymore
so they don't identify with those who still inhabit it's darkened alleys.

So many of us have returned to those darkened alleys.
and choose to endure years of double living.
We live up to the standards of externals
while succombing to the weakness of internals.
We've all been there
or are there now
if we're honest with ourselves...

But how many of us are willing to risk exposure to be free?
or to free others?
How many of us are living with private sins that would be excruciatingly painful to reveal...
stuff that would bring consequences, not only to ourselves but our extended circle of family and friends?

Do we hate sin enough to humble ourselves and bring it to light so that we can be restored to God?
Are we willing to mar our outward reputation so that our upward reconciliation can happen?
Are we ready to lose face, so we can see the face of the one that will bring true freedom?

That is the reason God came.

That is the gift of grace.

That is the gospel.

i chill with no namers

What does the Queen, Madonna, and I have in common? Trick question...I know - and I can see the rabbit trail some of your brains are taking. I'll dispel the mystery before this gets disastrous. Not only are we all currently located on the planet earth, breathe the same air and poo in toilets, but we are amazingly all sinners, created by the same God - desperately in need of grace. Sometimes we forget that people are simply people...God sees us all on the same playing field.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people name drop. I'm not nattering on about the people who drop names to make passing conversation interesting. I'm talking about the name droppers who can't wait to unleash their latest connection as if it makes them a more important person because of the crossing paths or distant relation. They build these sometimes strangers up onto pedestals of god-like status. And their status depends on who they know. Who they've met. Who they have pictures of and autographs from. What their claim to fame is.

It's funny what we find our identity in.

There are some pretty cool people I have had the amazing opportunity of crossing paths with. Their names may not perk the ears of those in line for the famous - and yet they play an integral part in an unseen world. They are part of the body of Christ. They are the people I get to do life with.

Pastors who lead by sacrifice - living with little and trusting God for big things.
Young couples who live with passion, and give selflessly.
Single mothers who wait in faith on their Provider.
The educated who sacrifice higher paying jobs to serve in seemingly miniscule tasks.
Authors of unpublished books.
Poets of unsung songs.
Givers of awkward hugs.
Hardcore worshippers whose songs continuously echo in the heavens...sometimes in keys unknown to man!
Change makers who live the ridiculous to see cities, countries, continents, planets...transformed and renewed by the spirit of an unseen power.
Servants - Listening. Responding. Obediently.I'm not going to drop any names.
God knows who you are.
You are making a difference in the lives around you
and I am blessed to be able to do life with you.

Too bad the Queen and Madonna aren't as lucky...