crap, fans and the beloved shrapnel

Tonite I picked up a book of devotions that has sat loyally beside my bed for years.
It was dust-filled with the evidence
that I had not leafed through it's pages
in some time.
I have lacked the motivation.
The desire.
The devotion.

You see, circumstance has a way of numbing the senses.
And circumstance seems to have numbed the best of me.
It had been a hard summer...
fall,
last two weeks,
last ten years...
and I didn't feel like it.
I'll be quite honest -
I didn't want a word of encouragement,
a pep talk,
or to be fed with false hope.
I didn't want to feel anymore...
But tonite it's cover seemed to whisper to my heart,
it's aching pages begged to be stretched open.
I was apprehensive.
What could it possibly have to say
that could possibly be relevant
and possibly change what is current?

A simple question burned into my orbs...

"Am I so in love with Him [God] that I take no thought for where He might lead me? Or am I watching to see how much respect I get as I measure how much service I should give Him."

This is the beauty of faith.
True faith.
Unconditional.

This is the beauty of love.
True love.
Unconditional.

That no matter what happens,
we will hold on.
We will not quit.
We will persevere.
We will continue to give.
We will continue to believe
that circumstance does not negate truth.

And in that moment I caught a glimpse
that it wasn't about my circumstances -
past, current or future...
it was the condition of my heart.
I was responsible for my choices.
My reactions.
My ability to keep faith
and continue to love.

Crap happens.


And it just so happens to hit that proverbial fan.
Arguments.
Selfishness.
Pride.
Lies.
Disappointment.
Divorce.
Death.
The list never ends...

And sometimes we are left standing
with the shrapnel of a life ripped apart
embedded into our thoughts
and wounded hearts;
counting the cost of decisions,
actions,
that are not always within our realm of control...

It is in these places of brokenness
that my heart surrenders it's right to be angry and bitter,
choosing to love...
not the choice - but the chooser.
Choosing to show grace...
not because it is deserved,
but because it is needed...
For healing.
For restoration.
For redemption.
To keep my ability to love.
To keep my faith alive.

I take my cue comes from a Galilean carpenter,
whose sacrifice came
"while we were yet sinners..."
and whose unconditional love
is already mending what is broken.

to give or not to give

The last three weeks I've been home for the holidays has been spent enjoying the wealth of friends and family that have filled my life beyond abundance. From sushi to Starbucks, I've come to know the best gift of life is relationship...connecting with people in places where bits of my heart will forever be embedded.

On the last night of my trip, I found myself in an empty, snow-filled field, watching hungry flames lick clean a neighbour's home. It was a sobering moment - filled with both the fascination of an uncontrolled beast, and the grief for one's material embodiment being destroyed in a frozen fragment of time.


And as the skeletal frame,
weakened by the heated breath,
caved beneath the conquest,
I felt pained for the departure
of a life's collection of things -
woven together by time
and memory,
treasured by the collector.

So often we become embodied by what we own.
The clothes we wear.
The cars we drive.
The houses we live in.
Our gadgets.
Our toys.
Our boxes of pictures and memories.
They become our means of existance,
creating that eternal vaccuum that craves more.

With these pictures haunting my thoughts during church,
I heard the call to live generously.
To give not only of our excess,
but our self.
As I look over the unchartered waters of the new year,
I feel challenged to learn what it means to stand open-handed
with all that I may possess -
Materially.
Physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Timelessly.
Relentlessly.
Selflessly.


My neighbours had no choice in losing their earthly possessions.
Every day we do.
It is our choice what we will keep for ourselves
and what we will give away.
We have a voice as to what will bind us,
and what will bless others.

Will I see all that glitters is rarely gold?
Will I escape the grasping pursuit
of what will find it's rusty, moth-eaten end
in the realm of a passing world,
and sow into a treasure that will not be destroyed?
Will my identity find its bedrock
in the Giver of all things,
and recognize my calling
as a conduit of His blessing?
To live generously in relationship.
Selflessly in possessions.
To use my means to end
someone's end of means.
For in my pursuit of life
and the things I have and am,
there must be an extension
that finds a face behind the need
and gives...
Generously.
Intentionally.
Radically.
Extravagantly.
Personally.
For the purpose of humanity.


Because at the end of the fires,
our first thoughts are never of the things that can be replaced.
The burning question is...
did everyone make it out safely?