crap, fans and the beloved shrapnel

Tonite I picked up a book of devotions that has sat loyally beside my bed for years.
It was dust-filled with the evidence
that I had not leafed through it's pages
in some time.
I have lacked the motivation.
The desire.
The devotion.

You see, circumstance has a way of numbing the senses.
And circumstance seems to have numbed the best of me.
It had been a hard summer...
fall,
last two weeks,
last ten years...
and I didn't feel like it.
I'll be quite honest -
I didn't want a word of encouragement,
a pep talk,
or to be fed with false hope.
I didn't want to feel anymore...
But tonite it's cover seemed to whisper to my heart,
it's aching pages begged to be stretched open.
I was apprehensive.
What could it possibly have to say
that could possibly be relevant
and possibly change what is current?

A simple question burned into my orbs...

"Am I so in love with Him [God] that I take no thought for where He might lead me? Or am I watching to see how much respect I get as I measure how much service I should give Him."

This is the beauty of faith.
True faith.
Unconditional.

This is the beauty of love.
True love.
Unconditional.

That no matter what happens,
we will hold on.
We will not quit.
We will persevere.
We will continue to give.
We will continue to believe
that circumstance does not negate truth.

And in that moment I caught a glimpse
that it wasn't about my circumstances -
past, current or future...
it was the condition of my heart.
I was responsible for my choices.
My reactions.
My ability to keep faith
and continue to love.

Crap happens.


And it just so happens to hit that proverbial fan.
Arguments.
Selfishness.
Pride.
Lies.
Disappointment.
Divorce.
Death.
The list never ends...

And sometimes we are left standing
with the shrapnel of a life ripped apart
embedded into our thoughts
and wounded hearts;
counting the cost of decisions,
actions,
that are not always within our realm of control...

It is in these places of brokenness
that my heart surrenders it's right to be angry and bitter,
choosing to love...
not the choice - but the chooser.
Choosing to show grace...
not because it is deserved,
but because it is needed...
For healing.
For restoration.
For redemption.
To keep my ability to love.
To keep my faith alive.

I take my cue comes from a Galilean carpenter,
whose sacrifice came
"while we were yet sinners..."
and whose unconditional love
is already mending what is broken.