Enough

Could I capture the fullness of the journey God has just taken me on, it would hardly be able to do justice to the original. It is like taking a picture of the intense beauty the sky can hold at sunset...the photo comes back looking nothing close to the vibrant depth of colour and awesomeness the Creator first stroked. And so you will have to make do with my feeble efforts of relaying the depth God has spoken to my heart - in simplified version so you get the point without me creating a thesis!
So...where to start outpouring the musings of a heart that is taking its first steps in a thing called trust? It is not often that feelings venture more than thoughts in my life. I tend to over-analyze situations - talking myself in and out of things fast enough to make your head spin! At 27, the luxury of "time" is not the same as when I first ventured into the "relationship age". I've been told I'm too picky, too cautious, too analytical, too intimidating...at least I don't fall under the category "too desperate" yet! Perhaps I am those things...but maybe, just maybe I have learned to balance my head and heart - instead of banking everything on a single feeling.
Whatever the story, deep within the recesses of the abyss I refer to as my heart, there are hidden feelings (lots of them) that I battle with every day. Most are casual wonderings...very few have ever merged into "definite possibility".
My most recent combat of heart and thought stemmed from a close friend I had been praying for for years. He had become sold out for God and was coming home. EEEPS! What to do with that one?!
I couldn't help but wonder...I'd known him for my whole life and now we both loved God and wanted to serve Him in whatever capacity (not to mention a wee bit of pressure from fam and friends who thought this would be a perfect fit!) On a plane ride home from BC, confused about what I really thought about all this, God laid a question on my heart. "If all you ever see from this is his salvation, would that be enough?" God was digging deep into my heart and motivations, and asking me to trust Him. And I did...I knew if anything would happen, it would be of God. But that still didn't close the door to hope - it just slid it to the back burner.
And so entered the months of tormenting thought and confused feelings. I never really "knew"...and often questioned if I was in love with the person, or the idea that the "single" chapter in my life was drawing to a close. I felt suspended in thoughts, stranded on the moment where something would happen to give me clarity on the pathway I was treading. During this time I was pressing deeper in my relationship with God - learning lessons on trusting, obedience and faith. "One step at a time...look to Me and let Me worry about your feet!"
And clarity came - call it an early birthday present - in the midst of an already brutal week when I heard from someone else that he was going to marry a girl from his church. In that moment so many feelings overwhelmed me. I started to go down the path of self-pity...why was I not good enough? But I knew it wasn't a competition (I'm imagining in my mind an excerpt from My BF Wedding...SCARY! PTL I have a little self-control!) I knew in my heart that the God who created me knew me better than I knew myself. He was aware of what would fit perfectly - and if it wasn't this friend, then I could trust Him with that. I didn't have to torment myself with comparing myself to her...she loves God and is my sister in Christ. Our purpose is to glorify Him...and we do that best when we are ourselves and stop trying to be like someone else!
Then there was the stinging realization of tucking dreams away and turning off the back burner all together. This was the closest I had probably been to anything potential, and closing the door hurt. I wanted to be angry! I wanted to be hurt and shut out the possibility of experiencing more pain, but I was amazed that I couldn't. It was almost like God wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself! Was I going to miss out on opportunities just because I was throwing a pity party? He reminded me that He knows the desires of my heart...that He is deeply aware of the needs of His children and gives good and perfect gifts, and I was learning to trust that.
But most of all I felt relief. Relief in knowing that the door was closed and I could move on from this point...so much had been hanging on "if" that I had been tunnel visioned from seeing other doors opening around me. I think the most relief was in the area of my relationship with God. Through all the growth I had been going through throughout the past year, I had always questioned my motivation. Was I doing this because I felt that I needed to progress further in my relationship with God if anything potential was to happen? Or was I doing this because of God?
In that moment I realized that God was enough. That in this journey through my heart, my desires, my "inner thoughts", He had filled the cracks and become my "all in all". A worship song written by Chris Tomlin really sums it up. The chorus goes like this:
"All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every hurt and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough..."
Is God enough? Are we in love with the blessings or the Blesser? If all His blessings He bestows upon us were removed, would we still be able to say with Job "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away...BLESSED BE HIS NAME"? Would we be able to trust Him with our whole heart that He knows better than us and has our best interest in mind? I pray that you will find firm footing in who God is...and no matter what "disappointments" life may throw your way, that He would become more than enough.

It's All About Me

Yeah, you heard the title right - but let me explain...I've started getting honest with myself and have realized that my approach to life has been very selfish. I'm not looking for sympathy comments or self-esteem boosters, and this isn't a competition to see how critical I can be on myelf...no, this is a realistic evaluation. I've been pressing deeper in my relationship with God over the past couple of months, and as I've been doing so, the question that bogs my heart is what has been keeping me so distant? Why can't I give over areas in my life? Why am I not experiencing "oneness" with the One who created me?
And the simple answer is a fatty arrow pointing back at me. How many times haven't you heard someone say "God is distant right now", as if He's taken the the first flight to the other side of the world! "Why can't I feel God's presence? Why can't I hear Him? Why isn't He telling me where my life should be going?" Um...have you tried turning off the noise of this world and actually putting some EFFORT into your relationship (again...big fat arrow pointing at me!) We've turned into obese children, wondering why we can't keep off the pounds while we stuff our face full of calorie pie, and even saying the word "exercise" leaves us breathless! WHY IS IT SO HARD????
Well, simply put, because we are the problem...and just to humour you - also the solution! As you look at your life, your decisions, why you do things...I challenge you to ask yourself what your motivations are. If you're doing things for God, chances are you are a cheerful kingdom worker who can't wait for the next time to serve, or spend spare time reading your Bible and praying. People walking all over you and taking advantage of your giving nature doesn't bother you because you're not doing it for them...your doing it for God!
However, if you're doing it for yourself (to feel good, to look good, to score some extra brownie points or to remain under the radar!) chances are there's a twang of self-pity somewhere - "I always get stuck with this job", or "nobody ever thanks me". Maybe it's a king-sized portion of bitterness - "Why am I the only one doing this?", "Why aren't others pulling their weight". Or maybe, just maybe, you're hung up on a bit of self-appointed martyrdom - "Nobody will do it, so I have to do it!". Did I mention anything about a fatty arrow?!!! You can masquerade behind a smile and doing lots of things FOR God, but the attitude definitely needs to be checked!
I'm taken back to the OT where Elijah is hiding out on a mountain from Jezebel. "I have been very zealous for the Lord God of hosts, for the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your alters, and killed Your prophets with the sword...I ALONE AM LEFT!" Talk about pity party. His mistake was that he invited God!
God's response is amazing really...He had the opportunity to show Elijah that He was standing beside him all along, and that there were others as well. Elijah couldn't "see" God because his vision was limited to his own wisdom.
God took him to the side of the mountain and brought a wicked wind, an earthquake and fire before Him...but HE wasn't in those "powerful"things. And after those had passed, a still small voice...and in that voice, God was present. (You can read it for yourself in I Kings 19 if you want a more indepth version!)
Basically what this passage is portraying is two things...1)God does not always work (or speak) in the ways that we expect Him to...and 2)silence does not equate to inactivity. Sometimes we are the ones talking all the time, that God can't even get a word in edgewise! There needs to come a point in our lives where we just LISTEN. Did you hear that? LISTEN!!! That means not finishing off God's sentances with what we assume to know, or trying to put words in His mouth, or analyzing the dead horse adnausium just to be the sharpest tool in the shed...We need to humble ourselves before our God and hear what He has to say. Let Him speak to us - how He chooses and when He chooses.
I've noticed that most BIG TALKERS will chat on and on and on just to cover up what is lacking...as if telling themselves over and over there is no problem, or pretending there is no problem will make it disappear. Christians can be the same way. We keep talking and talking to cover up a lack of a solid relationship with God...as if speaking (and doing things for Him) will make the emptiness disappear. I hate to tell ya folks...it ain't going anywhere until you learn to listen with BOTH ears and your heart to what He has to say, and work on building your relationship on communication BEFORE drowning yourself in service and diverting conversation. Spend QUALITY time with God, and your life (and service) will be transformed...that I can PROMISE! Let Him be your motivation - your starting point. Don't forget, it's really not about you...but it does start with you!