Enough
Could I capture the fullness of the journey God has just taken me on, it would hardly be able to do justice to the original. It is like taking a picture of the intense beauty the sky can hold at sunset...the photo comes back looking nothing close to the vibrant depth of colour and awesomeness the Creator first stroked. And so you will have to make do with my feeble efforts of relaying the depth God has spoken to my heart - in simplified version so you get the point without me creating a thesis!
So...where to start outpouring the musings of a heart that is taking its first steps in a thing called trust? It is not often that feelings venture more than thoughts in my life. I tend to over-analyze situations - talking myself in and out of things fast enough to make your head spin! At 27, the luxury of "time" is not the same as when I first ventured into the "relationship age". I've been told I'm too picky, too cautious, too analytical, too intimidating...at least I don't fall under the category "too desperate" yet! Perhaps I am those things...but maybe, just maybe I have learned to balance my head and heart - instead of banking everything on a single feeling.
Whatever the story, deep within the recesses of the abyss I refer to as my heart, there are hidden feelings (lots of them) that I battle with every day. Most are casual wonderings...very few have ever merged into "definite possibility".
My most recent combat of heart and thought stemmed from a close friend I had been praying for for years. He had become sold out for God and was coming home. EEEPS! What to do with that one?!
I couldn't help but wonder...I'd known him for my whole life and now we both loved God and wanted to serve Him in whatever capacity (not to mention a wee bit of pressure from fam and friends who thought this would be a perfect fit!) On a plane ride home from BC, confused about what I really thought about all this, God laid a question on my heart. "If all you ever see from this is his salvation, would that be enough?" God was digging deep into my heart and motivations, and asking me to trust Him. And I did...I knew if anything would happen, it would be of God. But that still didn't close the door to hope - it just slid it to the back burner.
And so entered the months of tormenting thought and confused feelings. I never really "knew"...and often questioned if I was in love with the person, or the idea that the "single" chapter in my life was drawing to a close. I felt suspended in thoughts, stranded on the moment where something would happen to give me clarity on the pathway I was treading. During this time I was pressing deeper in my relationship with God - learning lessons on trusting, obedience and faith. "One step at a time...look to Me and let Me worry about your feet!"
And clarity came - call it an early birthday present - in the midst of an already brutal week when I heard from someone else that he was going to marry a girl from his church. In that moment so many feelings overwhelmed me. I started to go down the path of self-pity...why was I not good enough? But I knew it wasn't a competition (I'm imagining in my mind an excerpt from My BF Wedding...SCARY! PTL I have a little self-control!) I knew in my heart that the God who created me knew me better than I knew myself. He was aware of what would fit perfectly - and if it wasn't this friend, then I could trust Him with that. I didn't have to torment myself with comparing myself to her...she loves God and is my sister in Christ. Our purpose is to glorify Him...and we do that best when we are ourselves and stop trying to be like someone else!
Then there was the stinging realization of tucking dreams away and turning off the back burner all together. This was the closest I had probably been to anything potential, and closing the door hurt. I wanted to be angry! I wanted to be hurt and shut out the possibility of experiencing more pain, but I was amazed that I couldn't. It was almost like God wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself! Was I going to miss out on opportunities just because I was throwing a pity party? He reminded me that He knows the desires of my heart...that He is deeply aware of the needs of His children and gives good and perfect gifts, and I was learning to trust that.
But most of all I felt relief. Relief in knowing that the door was closed and I could move on from this point...so much had been hanging on "if" that I had been tunnel visioned from seeing other doors opening around me. I think the most relief was in the area of my relationship with God. Through all the growth I had been going through throughout the past year, I had always questioned my motivation. Was I doing this because I felt that I needed to progress further in my relationship with God if anything potential was to happen? Or was I doing this because of God?
In that moment I realized that God was enough. That in this journey through my heart, my desires, my "inner thoughts", He had filled the cracks and become my "all in all". A worship song written by Chris Tomlin really sums it up. The chorus goes like this:
"All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every hurt and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough..."
Is God enough? Are we in love with the blessings or the Blesser? If all His blessings He bestows upon us were removed, would we still be able to say with Job "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away...BLESSED BE HIS NAME"? Would we be able to trust Him with our whole heart that He knows better than us and has our best interest in mind? I pray that you will find firm footing in who God is...and no matter what "disappointments" life may throw your way, that He would become more than enough.
So...where to start outpouring the musings of a heart that is taking its first steps in a thing called trust? It is not often that feelings venture more than thoughts in my life. I tend to over-analyze situations - talking myself in and out of things fast enough to make your head spin! At 27, the luxury of "time" is not the same as when I first ventured into the "relationship age". I've been told I'm too picky, too cautious, too analytical, too intimidating...at least I don't fall under the category "too desperate" yet! Perhaps I am those things...but maybe, just maybe I have learned to balance my head and heart - instead of banking everything on a single feeling.
Whatever the story, deep within the recesses of the abyss I refer to as my heart, there are hidden feelings (lots of them) that I battle with every day. Most are casual wonderings...very few have ever merged into "definite possibility".
My most recent combat of heart and thought stemmed from a close friend I had been praying for for years. He had become sold out for God and was coming home. EEEPS! What to do with that one?!
I couldn't help but wonder...I'd known him for my whole life and now we both loved God and wanted to serve Him in whatever capacity (not to mention a wee bit of pressure from fam and friends who thought this would be a perfect fit!) On a plane ride home from BC, confused about what I really thought about all this, God laid a question on my heart. "If all you ever see from this is his salvation, would that be enough?" God was digging deep into my heart and motivations, and asking me to trust Him. And I did...I knew if anything would happen, it would be of God. But that still didn't close the door to hope - it just slid it to the back burner.
And so entered the months of tormenting thought and confused feelings. I never really "knew"...and often questioned if I was in love with the person, or the idea that the "single" chapter in my life was drawing to a close. I felt suspended in thoughts, stranded on the moment where something would happen to give me clarity on the pathway I was treading. During this time I was pressing deeper in my relationship with God - learning lessons on trusting, obedience and faith. "One step at a time...look to Me and let Me worry about your feet!"
And clarity came - call it an early birthday present - in the midst of an already brutal week when I heard from someone else that he was going to marry a girl from his church. In that moment so many feelings overwhelmed me. I started to go down the path of self-pity...why was I not good enough? But I knew it wasn't a competition (I'm imagining in my mind an excerpt from My BF Wedding...SCARY! PTL I have a little self-control!) I knew in my heart that the God who created me knew me better than I knew myself. He was aware of what would fit perfectly - and if it wasn't this friend, then I could trust Him with that. I didn't have to torment myself with comparing myself to her...she loves God and is my sister in Christ. Our purpose is to glorify Him...and we do that best when we are ourselves and stop trying to be like someone else!
Then there was the stinging realization of tucking dreams away and turning off the back burner all together. This was the closest I had probably been to anything potential, and closing the door hurt. I wanted to be angry! I wanted to be hurt and shut out the possibility of experiencing more pain, but I was amazed that I couldn't. It was almost like God wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself! Was I going to miss out on opportunities just because I was throwing a pity party? He reminded me that He knows the desires of my heart...that He is deeply aware of the needs of His children and gives good and perfect gifts, and I was learning to trust that.
But most of all I felt relief. Relief in knowing that the door was closed and I could move on from this point...so much had been hanging on "if" that I had been tunnel visioned from seeing other doors opening around me. I think the most relief was in the area of my relationship with God. Through all the growth I had been going through throughout the past year, I had always questioned my motivation. Was I doing this because I felt that I needed to progress further in my relationship with God if anything potential was to happen? Or was I doing this because of God?
In that moment I realized that God was enough. That in this journey through my heart, my desires, my "inner thoughts", He had filled the cracks and become my "all in all". A worship song written by Chris Tomlin really sums it up. The chorus goes like this:
"All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every hurt and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough..."
Is God enough? Are we in love with the blessings or the Blesser? If all His blessings He bestows upon us were removed, would we still be able to say with Job "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away...BLESSED BE HIS NAME"? Would we be able to trust Him with our whole heart that He knows better than us and has our best interest in mind? I pray that you will find firm footing in who God is...and no matter what "disappointments" life may throw your way, that He would become more than enough.
posted by The Bean Bag Chair at 11:55 PM
1 Comments:
my dearest anna-marie, I love you, not just because you are a dear friend. but because you are so wise and in love with God. you are truly beautiful and genuine, a quality many lack.
ps. you should do something about your spam comments!
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