I've refrained from writing the past little while -
not because I haven't had things to say,
but because I don't want the reputation of being the gloomy author.
The pen of pain.
The "woe is me" writer.


But life has not relented
in placing me inside a hamster ball
and giving me a good push down the stairs...

Lost jobs.
Lost friends.
Loss of life.
Loss of love.
Losing pretense.
Losing hope.

It's been a long road.
A treacherous path unravelled in the presence of bipolar weather.
And as I dragged myself into the "home"-stretch,
coming off of months of upheaval in all circles of my existence,
I was trying to mentally prepare for a summer
of seeing the answer to the first chapter of praying for my parents
close in divorce.
To see the only physical "home" I've known -
the only place I have some semblance of roots in -
with a "sold" sign piercing it's heart.
Like a victim of extreme weather,
with darkened skies still looming,
I stood in the ruins,
surveying the paths of destruction
in the wake of the storm.
Grieving the loss.
Wondering where to rebuild.


But God has an uncanny knowledge
of what we need and when we need it...
and it came through the sharing of a verse from a dear friend:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials..."

Gee...is that what this is all about!
A little pep rally for pain?
A fan club membership for an eventful life?

"...for we know that they help us develop endurance..."

Forget the sprint...
this is big-time training for this iron-man battle we get to call life.
An energizer bunny infusion into our faith.
(But wait! there's more!)

"...and endurance develops strength of character..."

And I thought I had enough character to inhabit a small village...
apparently not!
Our capacity for more character seems limitless
as does the opportunity to grow in it!
(But wait! There's more...)

"...and character strengthens our confident hope..."

Nice four-step program!
At the end of the day,
after being run over by the bus
and the convoy of transport trucks following it,
you should be an optimistic eccentric who can stomach crap.
Wonderful.
Just what I wanted to hear.
Exactly on target with the 5-year plan for my life.

But wait! There's more!
and here lies the true gift....

"...that hope does not lead to disappointment..."

Disappointment.
That black hole of the emotions
that attempts to vacuum our hearts dry
of hope.

Hope.

The word falls across my thoughts with promise.
A break in the clouds.
A single sunbeam.


Hope.
The loss of it will devastate your life
far beyond the reaches of the trials and struggles
that threaten to undo you.
This is the risk of walking through pain...
to not see purpose through it.
Beyond it.

Hope.It is so easy to lose sight of it
when we're blinded by our tears...
or years
of waiting
with our collections
of unanswered prayers
and questions.

Hope.
That proverbial light
at the end of a darkened tunnel...
who doesn't come
and meet our expectations
in mirror image,
but who will also not disappoint.

She brings healing to the wounds.
Reminds us of a reason to live.
Gives us purpose to endure.
Creates beauty from the ashes...

If I can see past the physical
and into the eternal,
I catch a glimpse of a bigger picture...

Because at the end of the unravelling,
the loosened strings begin to pull,
drawing us back to our created purpose
and deeply binding us
into the great love of God,
who demonstrated the depth of this connection with us
in sending us His Hope,
in the darkness of our brokenness,
alluring us into eternal relationship.

"...for we know how dearly God loves us..."

excerpts from Romans 5