greatness and grouches

I didn't feel like going to church this morning. Following a week of being a stand-in mother to a determined 2 1/2 year old neice, and infant nephew - I was done. Sleep-deprived. Energy deficient. Tired. Exhausted. Drained. Ready to sleep in for a day or two.
I know, I know...it's Easter - the pinnacle of the Christian calendar (and mass amounts of chocolate intake)...who wouldn't want to go to church?! Well...when you're awoken at a premature hour to the whines of old gospel music after you've graciously given up your bed you haven't slept in for a week for a nite on the couch - my grouchy disposition was on the borderlines of leaping out into humanity and doing something drastic.
But drastic is a choice.
And so is grouchiness.

Instead, I opted to suck it up, get my caffeine for the morning and go to the big blue house I call church. Better than my morning cup o' joe, or an extra hour with my pillow...it was exactly what I needed.
Worship was awesome - with one of my fav P.Baloche songs in the mix...

Who could imagine a melody true enough to tell of Your mercy
Who could imagine a harmony sweet enough to tell of Your love
I see the heavens proclaiming You day after day
And I know in my heart that there must be a way
To sing a greater song, a greater song to You on the earth
To sing a greater song, a greater song to You on the earth

How does one sing a greater song, really? This was the question turning over my thoughts. With a single word, God answered my questioning spirit:

Sacrifice.

It seems so simple...and yet it is the hardest thing for most of humanity because it involves laying down ourselves for something else or someone else.

And just for the record - God's not asking us to do something He hasn't already done. His greatest song on earth came in the form of a sacrifice - held in place by 3 nails.And because of this song, other's have lifted their lives in harmony...can you hear them?
To an outcast harlot named Mary, it was pouring a bottle of expensive perfume on the feet of a man condemned to die...
William Tyndale's life song came through translating the Bible - to the point of martyrdom...
Gladys Aylward - missionary to China - sung to the audience of hundreds of orphans...
The list is endless really...but it's melody is found - not just in the crescendos of monumental, world changing endeavors...but in the everyday moments of surrendering oneself to something greater than self.
It is the song sung that chooses marriage over an office affair.
It is the simple tune that gives away a weekend to help a friend.
It is the gentle hum of the secret giver.
To sing is a choice.
To sacrifice is a choice.
What will be the song sung with your life?...

a decent exposure

So I haven't written in a while. There's a reason for that...most of which involved a season of wrestling with God. Less than fun times...
I don't know if you've ever reached those points of extreme frustration...a fork in the road - or the anticipation of one. That has been the past few months of my life. I've been learning and growing so much it was inevitable that a next step was in the making.
But nothing was happening.
Um...God? are you there?
Tonite at our prayer service I got part of that answer...

I saw the Lord. He was sitting on a lofty throne, and the train of his robe filled the Temple. Attending him were mighty seraphim...they were calling out to each other, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Heaven's Armies! The whole earth is full of his glory!"
Their voices shook the Temple to its foundations and the entire building was filled with smoke.

I am always overwhelmed by the presence of God. He is amazing in all his facets...and tonite as I was pressing in with my questions of the next step, he was reminding me of unfinished business.

Then I said, 'It's all over! I am doomed, for I am a sinful man! I have filthy lips and I live among a people with filthy lips. Yet I have seen the King, the Lord of Heaven's Armies."

Here is the prophet - standing before a holy God, and recognizing who he is. Seeing the darkness and the filth - and feeling it's consequence. His first step? Confession.
Great...You want me to confess?!! Right now? But God, we're at corporate prayer...I can deal with my unfinished business on personal time. Nobody needs to know about my junk.
Um...that wouldn't be pride surfacing in your life would it?
Hahahaha...oh course not...hahahahahmmmmm...um...
Silence...
Right now?
Right now.
What about next week? First thing?
Silence.
A few more minutes?
Silence.
Sigh...here goes nothing...
And so I confessed - in the safety of my church family - the two things that I find I wrestle with the most...pride and honesty. (sidebar...I am so happy to be surrounded by a church family that I feel comfortable enough to be brutally honest with. That is what church should be like. It should be a place of getting free from the bondage of sin in our lives without fear. One of our church phrases is: doing life together! And in these raw moments, nothing could be more true!)
A little background history...since I was in grade school, lying was the best way I found to protect myself. I was an angry and broken little kid - hiding my hurts behind blankets of lies. I needed to be strong. I wanted to be strong. It's amazing at how habits form, and I find myself as an adult reverting back at times. Little white lies to feed the pride of maintaining some level of "togetherness".
There has also been this underlying fear and shame in the back of my mind that if I confessed "certain things" it would be detrimental to the cause of Christ. I love Jesus...so much so that I don't want my sin to mar his image since I bear his name. As I wrestled through that, a scene flashed thru my memory banks from Green Mile. I don't know how to describe it simply for those who haven't seen it, but this "angel" on death row extracts the "darkness" from others. God was telling me..."It's ok. I got it."
And in that moment of letting my pride go, and in being honest, I could feel a change.

Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal...he touched my lips it and said, "See, this coal has touched your lips. Now your guilt is removed, and your sins are forgiven."

Because you see it is only after we confess that we can be cleansed. First we must recognize we are dirty before we will appreciate a bath. And following our date with the burning coal, God can release his commission into our lives.

The I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?"

So often we try to go to the people without dealing with our junk or taking time to cleanse. We render ourselves ineffective in our disobedience and pride. The less forest we have blinding our vision, the easier it will be to help people through their forests. Each step is critical... Confession... Cleansing... Commission (sidebar: I can't believe I just derived 3 "C" points from this chapter - this must stem from my reformed upbringing!)
We are currently residing in a world that is in desperate need of hope. Of love. Of Jesus Christ. He is waiting...

I said, "Here I am. Send me."

**text taken from Isaiah 6**