Into the Wilderness...

It's been a while since I last scribbled my thoughts upon the public canvasses of the blog world. So much has been happening in my life as of late. I have come to the obvious conclusion that we really are slow and stupid creatures of habit. I could fasttrack to my current status of wilderness wandering...but perhaps a peek into the recent past will afford you a more understandable prelude to my journey.
The Holy Spirit and His work in the world as we know it has been a hot topic of conversation in my circles the past year...and a thought I've wrestled with for a while on a personal level. Everybody has their opinion, their personal experience, their intellectual understanding, their scripture...but what to believe? Is it a supernatural experience? a step of faith? a "power" only experienced by the early church? spiritual giftings...do they still exist? How can we explain it?
With these questions constantly spinning in my head, and the cynical opinion of over-emotional/fake spirituality - my quest met an interesting chasm. In the confines of a Toyota Echo, parked at a gas station somewhere in the snowy northlands, I came face to face with my fears and doubts that had been building for years. I had put off chatting directly with God about all my questions - unsure of whether or not I really wanted an answer to my question. Sometimes new information forces you into new responsibility...was I ready for those changes? Did I really want them?
As I closed my eyes in prayer, I got this vivid picture of the presence of God standing before me...His voice was so clear..."I'm right infront of you...but I'm not moving. You're going to have to take the step if you want to receive these gifts." And when I stepped out, denying every fibre of my logical, human thought process of wanting to figure it out and have a natural explaination for that which will never make sense to the flesh, the presence of God came over me. I find it almost impossible to convey the exact detail of what that felt like - overcome with the heaviness of His presence I couldn't move...and yet I was weightless.
It was one of the most intimate moments I have ever experienced with God. You would think a cloud like this would take a while to come down from. Hello Monday morning! I couldn't have fallen flatter on my face! In my pride I had assumed I had achieved something...but God wanted to show me that I still needed Him (now there's a concept I wish I could really get!) and that I still had a long way to grow.
Over the past few months God's "presence" in my life has been fairly intense. I "felt" God...I "heard" God. And now, in the height of my "experience" there was this silence. Nothing had prepared me for that. "Will you love me even when you don't feel Me? Will you follow me even tho you can't hear Me?" These thoughts pounded through my brain. I had felt God so tangibly, and now He was calling me to trust Him in silence. I couldn't hold on to the experience or continue living it...He wanted me to grow through it. He had met me where I was in a beautiful encounter, and had moved on ahead, leaving me with two choices: stay where I was at and live on a memory, or pursue His presence.
Now I understood why Jesus didn't stay transfigured on the mountain, even tho Peter was ready to pitch a tent. It would be easy to camp out in God's glory, but the work of God would never get done! He gives us those times to refresh and encourage us in His love so we can endure the times ahead and be refined for His glory. But one thing is for sure: when you experience His presence, however it may come, the absence of it leaves a gaping hole in your life.
I feel like the woman from Song of Solomon - in a dead panic running through the streets searching for her beloved. Wherever I look, He is not there. I call out - and receive silence. And it was in this portion of Scripture, of all books!, that God revealed the coming season in my life: a wilderness. Barren and dry, it was a place where I would lose that which was hindering my spiritual life and become thirsty for that which will truly satisfy. But God allowed me to read the last chapter...
"Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved?" (8:5)
Although I was entering the wilderness alone, in search of God, He was promising that I would leave with Him, having drawn closer and relying solely on His strength. It is in this faith that I place my first step on those parched lands. I do not know how long the road will be, or what things I will have to face within myself before I find Him - but I know that nothing in this world compares to His presence. Nothing will satisfy my heart until it finds rest in His arms. Nothing...