going public

I feel like I owe someone a public apology. I've been in a bit of a funk as of late, and it is often the ones that are closest to us that bear the brunt of our mood swings, short circuits, and blundering mishaps and bad attitudes. So here I write - for the awareness of my entire facebook and blog community - because I've wounded a friend, and if I can right a wrong - I figure this will be a partial offering of peace...

Here goes nothing...

I'm sorry...I know I didn't drop you a line like I said I was going to. The part of me that wanted to talk was afraid of what we would chat about, and avoiding the opportunity to spill the beans on my current brainwave has become habit. I tend to suck at asking for help, or even making an attempt to reach out...I know you are always there for me - I don't know what I'm afraid of!

I'm sorry I lied. I was TOTALLY the kid with the hand in the cookie jar, hoping that my lie would blind you from what you saw. I don't know why I couldn't just come clean...you knew...and know...and I knew and know that. I was stalling for time...for the bell to save me.

I'm sorry for hiding out like a naked sinner in a garden. Like I could avoid confrontation! I had a momentary lapse where the bottom of the bush seemed like the safest place to stay rather than face the music. I can close the door on my room and shut the world out...and yet you wait patiently outside. Heaven knows why...

I'm sorry that I blamed you...it wasn't your fault. In my meager attempts at trying to understand something without full communication - it gave me very little peace of mind to pin the blame somewhere. Anywhere but on me, or in something I can't understand. It always seems to be a magnetic pull to attach things to you - you are an easy target because you're so patient and will take it like a champ.

I'm sorry that I second-guessed you. I know you told me a million times, and you've never let me down before. Why would this time be any different? And yet - it all seems too good to be true...I'm waiting for you to trip up. To disappoint me. To leave me hanging. I mean, it's not like I haven't done it to you...

I'm sorry for ignoring you...were you talking to me?! It seems easier at times to ask forgiveness for not listening, than failing at what you needed me to do as your friend. I've gotten so used to strategically avoiding what you say in the hopes that I can avert the discomfort of confrontation. I'm being selfish again...

I'm sorry for getting impatient with you. I, of all people, should appreciate fine timing! But ever since I was a kid, I always have had my finger in the batter before the oven's even preheated! I have a hard time waiting for something when my expectations are so extremely high. I must have sounded like the whiny child in the back seat...are we there yet?!!...and having been the driver on many cross-country trips, I should have appreciated the mileage it takes to get to a destination.

I'm sorry that when we were out the other day, there were moments I pretended not to be with you. I'm sure you probably noticed me hiding behind the rack, or plugging in my ipod and plugging out of the public conversation. I wasn't in the mood for sharing, or explaining, or connecting...


I'm sorry God...

for my lack of faith
for my limited trust
for boxing you in
and boxing you out.

You reflect a friendship I cannot comprehend.
May I endeavor to live in the light of that.