rings, things and first loves

The snow lies in moonlit blankets, the air at 30 below is "fresh", and warmly wrapped in a snuggly blanket with candles flickering in the fireplace, the moment is surprisingly perfect. It must be the end of the year...the time of the calendar where everyone reflects back on the last 365, and sets goals for the next.
So much has transpired...
So much is anticipated...

I greeted the morning of the last day of the year with the news that a friend had received a ring. A ring that would end her years of waiting and catapult her into a new season, a new adventure. She had found her forever love...


And we celebrated...

One can't be overtly excited about their new years plans when they have work scheduled in the prime time of festivities, but the commute affords some great reflection time. And in my two hours round trip, my solace afforded me snippets of my past 30 years...
hearts bursting with the height of adventure
or the depth of loss
grill cheese in countryside castles
walkman karaoke
muddy games of football
plastic tents in cow pastures
rooftops in Peru
walking highschool halls
or Californian piers
oyster cards
Grand Central Station
Telephones and Great Ones
and cities of Champions...

So many places penned in my existence,
so many memories squirreled away in my collection...
and of all the great adventures I have embarked on,
there is one that has alluded the wanderlust of my soul,
the blazing reality that haunts thoughts:
that I have yet to fall in love.
To be in love.
There's been varying levels of attraction
Odd dates and random moments...
But all pale in depth to the reality of love.

God's been reminding me of this lately.
What it means to be in love.
To love Him.

I've grown up in Christian circles...
One service or two
Mid-week
Youth
Small Groups
Mission Trips
Evangelism
Humanitarian Aid
Study
Debate
Conferences
Worship
Prayer
I've done it all...

And God's reply was direct...

I see what you've done,
your hard, hard work,
your refusal to quit.
I know you can't stomach evil,
that you weed out apostolic pretenders.
I know your persistence,
your courage in my cause,
that you never wear out.

But...

you walked away from your first love
—why?
What's going on with you, anyway?
Do you have any idea how far you've fallen?

The truth in this passage has been cutting away at my thoughts for the last couple weeks.
We hide so well behind our clubs
and groups
services
pretenses
and sacrifices
that it is easy to spend our time in existence instead of relationship.
We spend our time doing
instead of being.
We bear the name
but never taste the love.

I spent my New Years Eve quite differently than the 30 preceding...
I spent it at home
with a handful of guests...
candlelit vigil
of prayer
and worship
and quiet moments
to be still
and know...

These past few months have been a wrestling in my spirit
a battle for my focus and purpose
and I've struggled...
I've fallen...
I've forgotten...


But in scarlet moments,
Hope is coming for me...
for I was made to know You.
And in a moment of crying out on the kitchen floor -
hungry heart and thirsty spirit
I saw the year unfolding before me
in the awkward,
the adventure
of rediscovering my first love.
Opening the dormant, cob-webbed heart
to One who has been waiting.
One who is ready
to take my hand
and make fresh tracks
in the coming dawn.

My hope and prayer for all of you
wherever 2010 may bring you,
however God's best comes wrapped and boxed in your life...
to not forget
Love.
To find
Love.
To live
Love.
To Love.