excerpts from my journal...

A mild form of amusement for me is to reread my journals. I get a good laugh over the things that gave my head a spin, the gong shows that I have walked through, and the journey of life and growth I am always a traveler of.

Last nite I found something written across the pages that exposed a disturbing part of my warped mind...

"I am either caught in the desperate thought of wanting something WAY beyond possible reach, or the disappointment that I am destined to look but never have. They sound similar, but the first reflects fragile hope, while the second is a miscalculation of thought that God is punishing me. The reality of both is that I still wake up and go to bed alone."

Maybe this connects with the singles of the crowd.
Perhaps some of the married.
There is an element of truth that connects to all of us.
What we are hoping for could be anything...

A job.
A house.
An acceptance letter.
A relationship.
A child.
Healing.
Reconciliation.
One more chance.

And in not receiving our elusive desires, we can sometimes slip into the land of deferred hope, left with the sinking feeling that we will be the last ones in the class picked for the team. Either there's something wrong with us, or something wrong with God.

I asked really nicely...
I followed all the rules...
Why?
What are we waiting for?

Because we, of all people, should know what is best for us.
And the time it is best in.

And yet I have prime examples in my life where what I thought was a "perfect opportunity...missed..." in the long run has proved to be an "opportunity...perfectly missed"...

I don't always understand God's timing.
I don't always "get" the big picture.
I don't pretend to know why some people get all the breaks, while others score the "character building journeys"...
But what I have been learning is what trust looks like...
not blind, but eyes wide open to the tangible
with a heart expectant in the unseen.For now that means crawling into an empty bed...
but recognizing I am not alone.