The Bean Bag Chair

running amongst thorns

2011-10-02T23:07:00.001-07:00

Have you ever trained for anything?
Sacrificed pieces of your life in the efforts of achieving a goal?
Boxed out everything to give you the focus to accomplish something?
Have you tasted the finish before crossing the starting line?

Enter Banff.

For the past couple years a group of us crazies train our summers away for the annual Melissa's Run.
With a trek of either 10k or 22k,
we share the privilege and roadway with thousands of others
to tread in the grandeur of mountains and rivers
(and luxury golf courses for the 22k'ers).

Months of training are geared for a couple hours on a Saturday morning.
Pushing.
Striving.
Towards a goal.
A finish line.

Two days before we were scheduled to head out to Banff
my heel had an unfortunate "run-in" with a student-driven dolly.
With damage to my achilles tendon, it didn't look like I'd be able to start the race,
let alone finish it!
Disappointed was a word that couldn't cover the feelings that were swimming in my heart and head.
I had trained so hard.
Given up countless hours.
Taken all the preventative measures to ensure a healthy race...
and in a singular moment it hung in the uncertain balance of this thing called "My Life".
In a week that didn't need any extra disappointments,
this one caught my heart off-guard
and tailspun my thoughts.

Because no matter how prepared you are,
you will never be able to predict the lessons life throws at you.

With my newly acquired cankle resting on ice
and a steady supply of pain killers,
I tried to mask my gnawing darkness that festered in my mind...

Life doesn't always turn out how you want.

Get used to disappointment.

Expect your happiness to be constantly thwarted.

Your sacrifices,
Your planning,
Your preparing
are no guarantee of the journey.

Put your hopes on ice,
and learn pain management.

These musings shadow so many things in my life.
Ever want to know what your faith looks like?
Walk it through a trial.
It won't be long before you discover
the beasts that linger in the recesses of the mind and heart.
They are the ugliest...
desiring to discourage you
from pressing forward through the pain.
They want to destroy your hope.
Annihilate your faith.

And with their bitter taste in my thoughts,
I knew I would run.
Even if every step would be through pain...
I would rather try and fail,
than fail to try.

It's a little daunting to stand at a starting line,
challenged enough by the distance ahead...
feeling the injury,
and knowing that every step will be made with pain.
It was a journey I wouldn't have chosen for myself,
but in hindsight, would never trade.

It was around the 14k mark,
the "wall" section of my run,
that I was reminded of a man named Paul
who had a thorn...
a hinderance in his life.
Here was a man who had devoted his life to God.
If anyone was a candidate for healing,
"entitled" to having a break in life,
it was Paul.
He begged God for it to be removed,
and yet God was more concerned about the heart of the issue
than the body that housed it.

Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

For Paul it was dealing with his pride.

God had other things He was working through my heart in those 22k.
He had the power to heal the injury or prevent it,
but there was something greater at play...
something with an eternal perspective.

Life will press thorns into your plans.
There will come times of running long stretches,
every step with pain.
Unbearable in your strength.

Conflict.
Loss.
Sickness.
Loneliness.
Discouragement.
Disappointment.

I'm not going to lie -
the road through pain is not an easy one.
There will be moments that will try to suck your life away,
your hope.
Your faith.
But remember the destination
in the thick of the journey.
Persevere in the Strength
that never fails.

It's not about finishing first.
It's how you finish.
And who you finish with...

Derek Redmond - Barcelona Olympics 1992

2011-07-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

I've refrained from writing the past little while -
not because I haven't had things to say,
but because I don't want the reputation of being the gloomy author.
The pen of pain.
The "woe is me" writer.

But life has not relented
in placing me inside a hamster ball
and giving me a good push down the stairs...

Lost jobs.
Lost friends.
Loss of life.
Loss of love.
Losing pretense.
Losing hope.

It's been a long road.
A treacherous path unravelled in the presence of bipolar weather.
And as I dragged myself into the "home"-stretch,
coming off of months of upheaval in all circles of my existence,
I was trying to mentally prepare for a summer
of seeing the answer to the first chapter of praying for my parents
close in divorce.
To see the only physical "home" I've known -
the only place I have some semblance of roots in -
with a "sold" sign piercing it's heart.
Like a victim of extreme weather,
with darkened skies still looming,
I stood in the ruins,
surveying the paths of destruction
in the wake of the storm.
Grieving the loss.
Wondering where to rebuild.

But God has an uncanny knowledge
of what we need and when we need it...
and it came through the sharing of a verse from a dear friend:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials..."

Gee...is that what this is all about!
A little pep rally for pain?
A fan club membership for an eventful life?

"...for we know that they help us develop endurance..."

Forget the sprint...
this is big-time training for this iron-man battle we get to call life.
An energizer bunny infusion into our faith.
(But wait! there's more!)

"...and endurance develops strength of character..."

And I thought I had enough character to inhabit a small village...
apparently not!
Our capacity for more character seems limitless
as does the opportunity to grow in it!
(But wait! There's more...)

"...and character strengthens our confident hope..."

Nice four-step program!
At the end of the day,
after being run over by the bus
and the convoy of transport trucks following it,
you should be an optimistic eccentric who can stomach crap.
Wonderful.
Just what I wanted to hear.
Exactly on target with the 5-year plan for my life.

But wait! There's more!
and here lies the true gift....

"...that hope does not lead to disappointment..."

Disappointment.
That black hole of the emotions
that attempts to vacuum our hearts dry
of hope.

Hope.

The word falls across my thoughts with promise.
A break in the clouds.
A single sunbeam.

Hope.
The loss of it will devastate your life
far beyond the reaches of the trials and struggles
that threaten to undo you.
This is the risk of walking through pain...
to not see purpose through it.
Beyond it.

Hope.It is so easy to lose sight of it
when we're blinded by our tears...
or years
of waiting
with our collections
of unanswered prayers
and questions.

Hope.
That proverbial light
at the end of a darkened tunnel...
who doesn't come
and meet our expectations
in mirror image,
but who will also not disappoint.

She brings healing to the wounds.
Reminds us of a reason to live.
Gives us purpose to endure.
Creates beauty from the ashes...

If I can see past the physical
and into the eternal,
I catch a glimpse of a bigger picture...

Because at the end of the unravelling,
the loosened strings begin to pull,
drawing us back to our created purpose
and deeply binding us
into the great love of God,
who demonstrated the depth of this connection with us
in sending us His Hope,
in the darkness of our brokenness,
alluring us into eternal relationship.

"...for we know how dearly God loves us..."

excerpts from Romans 5

I-53

2011-04-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

Who believes what we've heard and seen?
Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this?

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.

There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.

He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

crap, fans and the beloved shrapnel

2011-01-23T13:32:00.000-08:00

Tonite I picked up a book of devotions that has sat loyally beside my bed for years.
It was dust-filled with the evidence
that I had not leafed through it's pages
in some time.
I have lacked the motivation.
The desire.
The devotion.

You see, circumstance has a way of numbing the senses.
And circumstance seems to have numbed the best of me.
It had been a hard summer...
fall,
last two weeks,
last ten years...
and I didn't feel like it.
I'll be quite honest -
I didn't want a word of encouragement,
a pep talk,
or to be fed with false hope.
I didn't want to feel anymore...
But tonite it's cover seemed to whisper to my heart,
it's aching pages begged to be stretched open.
I was apprehensive.
What could it possibly have to say
that could possibly be relevant
and possibly change what is current?

A simple question burned into my orbs...

"Am I so in love with Him [God] that I take no thought for where He might lead me? Or am I watching to see how much respect I get as I measure how much service I should give Him."

This is the beauty of faith.
True faith.
Unconditional.

This is the beauty of love.
True love.
Unconditional.

That no matter what happens,
we will hold on.
We will not quit.
We will persevere.
We will continue to give.
We will continue to believe
that circumstance does not negate truth.

And in that moment I caught a glimpse
that it wasn't about my circumstances -
past, current or future...
it was the condition of my heart.
I was responsible for my choices.
My reactions.
My ability to keep faith
and continue to love.

Crap happens.

And it just so happens to hit that proverbial fan.
Arguments.
Selfishness.
Pride.
Lies.
Disappointment.
Divorce.
Death.
The list never ends...

And sometimes we are left standing
with the shrapnel of a life ripped apart
embedded into our thoughts
and wounded hearts;
counting the cost of decisions,
actions,
that are not always within our realm of control...

It is in these places of brokenness
that my heart surrenders it's right to be angry and bitter,
choosing to love...
not the choice - but the chooser.
Choosing to show grace...
not because it is deserved,
but because it is needed...
For healing.
For restoration.
For redemption.
To keep my ability to love.
To keep my faith alive.

I take my cue comes from a Galilean carpenter,
whose sacrifice came
"while we were yet sinners..."
and whose unconditional love
is already mending what is broken.

to give or not to give

2011-01-09T23:18:00.000-08:00

The last three weeks I've been home for the holidays has been spent enjoying the wealth of friends and family that have filled my life beyond abundance. From sushi to Starbucks, I've come to know the best gift of life is relationship...connecting with people in places where bits of my heart will forever be embedded.

On the last night of my trip, I found myself in an empty, snow-filled field, watching hungry flames lick clean a neighbour's home. It was a sobering moment - filled with both the fascination of an uncontrolled beast, and the grief for one's material embodiment being destroyed in a frozen fragment of time.

And as the skeletal frame,
weakened by the heated breath,
caved beneath the conquest,
I felt pained for the departure
of a life's collection of things -
woven together by time
and memory,
treasured by the collector.

So often we become embodied by what we own.
The clothes we wear.
The cars we drive.
The houses we live in.
Our gadgets.
Our toys.
Our boxes of pictures and memories.
They become our means of existance,
creating that eternal vaccuum that craves more.

With these pictures haunting my thoughts during church,
I heard the call to live generously.
To give not only of our excess,
but our self.
As I look over the unchartered waters of the new year,
I feel challenged to learn what it means to stand open-handed
with all that I may possess -
Materially.
Physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Timelessly.
Relentlessly.
Selflessly.

My neighbours had no choice in losing their earthly possessions.
Every day we do.
It is our choice what we will keep for ourselves
and what we will give away.
We have a voice as to what will bind us,
and what will bless others.

Will I see all that glitters is rarely gold?
Will I escape the grasping pursuit
of what will find it's rusty, moth-eaten end
in the realm of a passing world,
and sow into a treasure that will not be destroyed?
Will my identity find its bedrock
in the Giver of all things,
and recognize my calling
as a conduit of His blessing?
To live generously in relationship.
Selflessly in possessions.
To use my means to end
someone's end of means.
For in my pursuit of life
and the things I have and am,
there must be an extension
that finds a face behind the need
and gives...
Generously.
Intentionally.
Radically.
Extravagantly.
Personally.
For the purpose of humanity.

Because at the end of the fires,
our first thoughts are never of the things that can be replaced.
The burning question is...
did everyone make it out safely?

tis the season...

2010-12-24T23:15:00.000-08:00

There is a thin blanket of snow on the ground...
the tree is trimmed,
and lights peek softly from its branches
as presents hide beneath it's boughs.
The aroma of hot cider seeps from the pores of the kitchen,
while remnants of laughter and carols echo in the woodwork.
Lumpy stockings dangle
beside a fire that lulls sleepily into it's embers.
The house is filled with glorious silence...
silence...
in anticipation
of a clock striking the new day.

The moments leading up to Christmas are my favourite.
Unspoiled.
Hopeful.
Redeemable.
Expectant.

Christmas itself always seems to unwrap too quickly.
24 hours cannot hold all the expectations of the season.
Some will get the Hallmark Christmas they desire
of happy meals, perfect presents, peace and goodwill.
Others will scrape through the season,
with or without loved ones,
holding on for dear life,
wishing it all to be over.

As I write,
I hear the clock carving seconds away...
and I am grateful.
The arguments have subsided.
The fires have been doused.
Disappointment has been faced,
and the constant chaos of thought has grown quiet
as the beast of reality has turned in for the night.

If sanity could be found
it is in these sacred moments
where I find my eyes turning to a manger...
not the polished and endearing tale
that embraces the heart with warm fuzzies.
No...
it longs for the story of the socially unacceptable,
the inconvenienced,
the awkward,
the rejected...
and I feel the reality of their message
filling me with sobering clarity:
This is why the manger exists.
Because there was a need.
Because there were broken people.
Because humanity was dying for a reason to live.
This is why we celebrate.
Because shattered lives are made whole.
The hopeless are given hope.
The rejected find relationship.

Christmas isn't tradition...
it is the transformation
of a holy God into fragmented humanity,
and fractured humanity into eternal hallowedness.
It should continue to fill your hearts with awe and wonder
as we look upon the gift of heaven
that brings eternal ending to fractured living.
May the angel's song no longer be silent in our night.
May our deafened hearts hear their message
still echoing into the darkest shadow of thoughts
the arrival of Hope.
The birth of Life.
The dawn of a new day.

Merry Christmas...

once...

2010-12-20T16:11:00.000-08:00

This year I get to be home for Christmas. My first couple days have been jam-packed with friends and family, as in usual Anna-Marie fashion I am trying to fill every minute to it's maximum potential! Amidst cutting down trees, fixing strands of lights, and drinking copious amounts of coffee, I had the opportunity of attending The Living Nativity my church was performing in the center of our city.

And with the cold biting at my fingertips, I listened to the story.
A story that has been told for the past 2000 years...
a story that is timeless.
Simple.
Life-changing.
And I was reminded to adjust my focus
back on the one truth
that finds itself embedded in this busy season.
To abide in the Prince of Peace
that calms the rush and settles the chaos.
A prodding to walk humbly and in complete awe
of the wonder of heaven's gift.
And in dusting off the guitar and sifting through forgotten poetry,
I found this...

Once upon a nite
Heaven sent it's light
In the manger hay
The Emmanuel lay

While the world lay fastly sleeping
A Father's promise, faithful keeping

Child humbly come
The garden's curse undone
Born to peasants, kings
See the gifts they bring

Come to the stable and see
The offering of eternityt
He who knows your very name
Will stretch across your place of shame

Lost and wandering soul
Come before His throne:
A manger made of wood
A cross, a crown of blood

Prince of Peace and Son of earth
May our hearts proclaim your birth

Breath of God, so still
Wounded hearts to fill
Your promises unfold
In mangers of our soul

if life is like a box of chocolates...

2010-11-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

I hate feeling sorry for myself.
That poisonous injection of disappointment and bitterness trying to spread their roots in my thoughts...
divisive to my strength,
my emotions,
my faith.
That peripheral blindness that hones in on
all the things that have a glaring absence in my life,
or fail to fall into place.

I hate feeling shut out.
Always coming up empty.
Overlooked.
Denied.
Frustrated...
like I'm running on a treadmill
never advancing,
falling another step or two behind.

I hate having to stand in the face of all the reasons I should pity myself,
and be left with nothing but the call to trust...
in things I can't see.
Can't feel.
Can't grasp.
I'm not good at it.
I falter.
Find pillows.
Walls start crumbling.
Chocolate starts unwrapping.

And somewhere in that dark moment,
I grasp for that miniscule seed of mustard
that can see through the mountains blocking my physical sight.
I find my knees,
and learn what it means to walk out my faith...
living like I trust the One who knew me before I was even conceived.
Stepping out on the limb knowing He will not give me more than I can handle.
Hoping in the coming dawn of an eternal promise that He will turn all to good...

And I try to crawl out of bed in the morning
not because I feel my purpose
but because I know there is purpose -
even when my vision is clouded,
the horizon is hazy,
my heart is splintering,
as storm clouds brew out the sun.

And although my eyes may be averted by pity,
may they always readjust on the Author,
the Finisher,
the only constant in my chaos.

another one bites the dust

2010-09-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

It's that one day of the year again.
Of 365 possibilities,
it is the one that persists to engage thoughts
of where I'm going,
who I am,
and what the heck I'm doing!

My birthday.

Every year I pen my thoughts,
not only on where I've been
but of the things I think are going to happen.
The things I never imagine happening.
The things that take my breath away.

I've heard the running commentary that when you turn a certain age, you'll have a better idea of what you want. As I look back over the wealth of life lived, I realize I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at 32...(cough cough...I mean 23!) but my desires and wants for my life have not really changed, they've only matured...
like good wine.

I want to jump out of planes
off rocks
and into life.
Give me the back seat of a fast bike any day!

I want to continue meeting people
and discover new places...
to be stretched beyond my comfort zone
and be awakened
by emotions,
tastes,
smells,
textures,
adventures.

I want to know God more.
There's so much I still don't understand.
So much I haven't met.
So much that remains a mystery
awaiting discovery.

I want to know peace.
I want to know quiet.
I want to live there
in moments of silence
and reflection.

I want more time...
to read.
to listen.
to create.
to laugh.

I want to see healing
in relationships.
Families.
People.
To experience restoration
and renewal
of body
mind
spirit.

I want to dive into the depths
of the unchartered waters of my soul.
To come face to face with myself
and accept the reflection.

I want my life to count
not just in the tangible world
but the spiritual.

I want to continue unwrapping
the layers,
memories,
and moments
in my friendships.
To live each day to the fullest
with those who make life full.

And I want to do life with someone...
the elusive "one"...
who will wake up beside me
walk through these twisted paths of discovery with me,
and still want to crawl in bed at the end of the day!

I want to share every moment -
each victory or defeat -
the good,
the bad,
the ugly...
hand in hand,
heart in heart
with someone who will make my soul smile
and persevere through whatever needs to be faced
together.

The things I want from life may never change
or find fulfillment in the new year that lies before me,
but I will not live with disappointment...
only expectation
and in anticipation for the unknown.
Here's to another year of discovery...
beginnings,
continuations,
and the infinitely more
that God has up his sleeve!

one...two...

2010-09-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend saw me at the edge of a cliff...
literally and figuratively.

From the water it hadn't looked so daunting,
but now, with toes peeking over the side,
my thoughts were breathless at the realization of height,
the blast of the cold wind against my already shivering body
with the promised "warm" water a few 30+ plummeting feet below.
The fear churning in my stomach was matched only by the rising anticipation of the sheer rush in stepping off the edge.
Nothing was there to stop me,
and yet my feet seemed glued to the rock by my thoughts:

Wow...that's farther than it looks.
You're not 10 anymore.
You don't have to prove anything.
You're not 10 anymore.
It's really cold right now...imagine that cold magnified by being wet!
And you know, you're not 10 anymore...

Got it.

Loud and clear.

Not 10.

And yet there was something in me that was starving for that thrill...
that weightless feeling of falling through space -
held for a moment by the taste of not having to be in control,
and overcoming every fiber in my body that is riddled with fear.
I've grown up tending to do the exact opposite of every seemingly "logical" pathway in my life.
Why stop now?

It had been a belaboured effort to even get to the cliffs.
It was cold and wet outside, and I was already tired and sore from my morning run.
It meant changing out of my warm clothes and into a damp swim suit.
My comfort would be in question.
My card game would be abandoned.
My personal heat would be depleted.

All the things that stop us in life seemed to pile up in thought...
The things that you've always done.
The things that you can't imagine yourself doing.
Traditions.
Security.
Attachments.
Responsibilities.
Expectations.
Anticipations.
They chide us to stay on our couches and remain comfortable.

And when we win with those thoughts,
we exchange the hesitation to stand at the edge of unchartered waters to face our fears -
those unanswered thoughts in our head that beg us to back away from the cliff.
The cliffs of life...
faith...
love...

It's a long way down.
You'll need to be vulnerable - you might get hurt.
What if you get rejected?
Everybody else has life figured out.
What will people say?
You're not 10 anymore...
It's amazing the subtle fears that will keep us from experiencing life in all it's fullness.

I don't want to look back at my life in regret,
or wonder what could have been.
I want to take every opportunity to live life to the fullest...
Every minute.
Every day.
Even when I'm cold and tired.
Even when I'm unsure of what's waiting at the bottom.
Even if it means letting go of my organized control (did I just say that?!!)
or my uncanny habit of trying to figure life out before it happens.

And so I did what I usually end up doing...

And when my head finally emerged from the water,
the thrill of the fall still tingling my skin,
my heart pounded in unison with my thoughts...
"I gotta do that again!"

Some people will stay contently on their couches,
but I will continue to seek my cliffs to face my fears,
daring to hope,
hoping to dream.
I will try my best to relinquish my control
even if it means plummeting into the unknown.
I never want to wonder what would have happened if I had only jumped.

Anybody want to find a cliff with me?

i believe

2010-08-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

So often times we go through life confused...
with so many different thoughts and ideas swarming in our brains,
we find ourselves lost for an absolute.
An anchor point that never changes.
A rock.
There are so many things that vie for our attention.
So many things that question our intellect and understanding...

Did the Americans really land on the moon?
How did they get the caramel in the caramilk bar?
Will I get cancer from looking in a microwave while it's working?

I found this while going through some old cds at work... a statement of faith I had included in a resume.
Reading through it I realized not one of the items had changed.
My belief had not altered or changed on any point.

for those who have a hard time reading the micro-script, here's what it says:
I believe...
in ONE God...
Father. Son. Spirit.
I believe in Jesus Christ:
Creator, Friend, Saviour, King.

I believe that the God who formed me -loves me,
and came from heaven to have a relationship with me.
I believe that He has saved me from my sins,
He has created me with purpose,
and He has gifted me with abilities to expand His kingdom,
bless His people,
and bring Him praise.

It is my joy to follow Him.
It is my desire to serve Him.
It is my privilege to worship Him with all that I am.
In all that I do.
For His glory.

I believe that as He has shown mercy,
I am to show mercy.
As He desires justice -
I am to desire justice.
As He is love -
I am to love.
Heart. Soul. Mind. Strength.
As His follower,
I am called to be His hands.
His feet.
His heart.
I am a part of the body of believers
that lives,
breathes,
and moves to accomplish His will.
A people that long for nothing short of heaven on earth.

You may echo my thoughts...but I challenge you to write your own.
To think about what you believeand why you believe it.
Don't piggyback on another's faith...
Discover your own.
Discover your Creator in all His fulness
and you will find yourself on a rock.
An anchor point.
In the presence of an unchangeable God.

there once was a man

2010-07-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

There once was a man...
he stood out in a crowd -
head and shoulders above -
with an unforgettable beard
and fire in his blue eyes.
He filled space
whether or not it needed to be filled.
Altho a little rough around the edges,
his heart was big...
big for his family
big for his friends
big for his God.
He loved people.
He lived through people.
He gave his life to people -
both familiar or stranger.
No matter what the hour,
no matter what the task
he was available -
ready for whatever need
needed to be met.
He was a servant.
A constant resource of the odd and end.
A man who could do almost everything.
He dreamed big
and constantly.
He had the hug of a bear
and the occasional growl of one.
He was far from perfect,
but was no stranger to grace,
and the journey through trial and pain.
He loved to sing.

There once was a man...
I never told him enough
how much I appreciated him.
How much he meant to me.
How much I loved him.
How much I'll miss him.

Why do we wait until death to write a tribute?
To celebrate a life?
To appreciate what we hold in our hands?
To tell our loved ones
they are loved?
The ones who fill our lives with good things
that they are appreciated?

This morning I awoke to the feeling of space...that gnawing emptiness that remains when you experience the loss of someone who has left big fingerprints all throughout your life. God is good at crossing your paths with some pretty incredible people who end up filling nooks and crannies you didn't know were there, or the gaping holes you feel everyday. Mr Wassink was one of those people...

He always knew what buttons to push, and would often push them...
but he also always saw a need, and was quick to meet it.
He was restless.
Passionate.
He loved to share...to be a part of anything and everything going on.
He never really fit in...which is why I appreciated him since I never did...

Whenever I returned home from my world travels, I would anticipate him hunting me down for a hug,
more often then not - the long and awkward kind,
and he would ask me about life,
tell me of his latest and greatest idea,
and show me the newest thing to be parked at his house...
(this year it was a motorcycle!)

He has looked after my family, especially my mom, for as far back as I can remember that the lines between family and friend have long since blurred into one.
Whatever we needed - he could find.
Whenever we needed...he was there.
Constant.
Faithful.
Unconditional.

This week he got what only heaven could offer
and none of us could give,
and as I stand in the wake of the space he left behind
I feel the loss of someone who had always given so much...
whom I had received so much from.
I will miss his pesty pokes...
his constant teasing that reminded me how much he cared.
And the twinkle he would get in his eye
when he was up to something, or wanted to be.
His constant questions, pressing and challenging.
His passion for singing, and his inability to pick just one song.
His unrelenting love.

And I pay tribute with only one regret...
that I didn't tell him more
how much I appreciated him.
How all those little things
made such a big difference in my life.
How much he was loved.

My dearest Wassink family....thank you for sharing your dad.
He was a diamond in the rough,
now polished in the crown of heaven.

2010-07-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

When I was a growing up I had two spinster aunts who lived together. They always had an open door, and I remember many family gatherings filling their home on Aldershot. Quirky, yet feisty, they inspired me at a young age to want to be as cool as they were if I ever got to be an aunt!

Today I had the honour of being at the bedside of my Tante Annie. Full of cancer, it was difficult to watch her fight for each breath. In those moments of observing life translate into eternity, I saw the legacy of her years on this planet in the lives of her nieces and nephews. Having had no children of her own, she was surrounded by the thoughts, prayers and presence of those who saw her as a second mother. I am grateful she is no longer in pain...but I am more grateful for the legacy she left behind. May we endeavour to love with open doors and open hearts...

From when I was a little girl
with scraped up knees and baby curl
I recall with love, fond memory,
A song a spinster sang to me...

This song would filter, fiercely sweet
and gather children round her feet.
And with an open heart and home
she sung as if they were her own...
It spun a smile, and calmed a fear
It held a hand, it dried a tear.
Note for note, it's tune would rest
In sacrifice for life's request,
as strength with determined spirit met;
Yet tenderly, it oft' had wept.

This song has threaded through the years
From generation to generation's ear,
And when her voice would crack with time,
Still she remembered every line,
and tho with laboured breath, was bound,
it gathered all the children 'round.
With longing heart and tired strands,
her legacy sat to hold her hand,
and with a breath, so frailly hung,
the spinster's final song was sung.

postcards and momentary pauses

2010-06-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of a postcard I had bought the other day...

"So I haven't written much lately!… Neither has Shakespeare!"

Now although I don't have the excuse of death like William does, it really has been a while since I've written anything. Not that I haven't had the time (although time has been scarce as of late), but I haven't had anything to say.
I haven't felt like talking.

Now there's a first.

And it's a first that I've struggled with.
God has always had something churning my thoughts.
Some challenge stirring the pot.
But I've sat at my computer countless times, grasping at words and thoughts, and have come up rather empty - as my blog has given evidence to. I had such great intentions without execution.
Why?

And I've listened...
to hear the faded beat
of a lost heart.

Because I've been lost at sea,
in waves of apathy,
complacency,
inadequacy,
family turmoil,
personal reality.

and in my vain efforts to stay afloat
I've shut everything out.
Friends.
Family.
even God.
I've lost focus,
distracted in the moment,
absorbed by the overwhelming feeling of it all,
breathless on the treadmill of unfinished dreams
and misguided expectations.

And I can see the storm clouds rolling in...

And they are filled with the promise of drastic weather
and altering presence.
I can feel the wind whip against my face
circulating months of restlessness and wrestling
into a moment of confrontation.
And I can sense the tension of the waves as they surge towards that breaking point...

Are you done yet?...
Trying to do things on your own?
Trying to carry the weight of the world?
Living in your own strength?
Listening to the same old song?

Are you finished?...
Fighting?
Bartering?
Compromising?
Doubting?

Are you ready?...
For that which stretches human understanding?
To have breath fill your lungs?
To begin living?
To be whole?

Here begins the recovery...
the discovery...

pockets

2010-06-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

pockets of doubt
deep with darkness
holding spare change
of broken faith
I hide my hands
forgetting the promise
and grasp that which is
the tangible space.

biographic moment

2010-03-10T22:11:00.001-08:00

My life is a calamity of the random...
segmented thoughts that form obscure sentences in a strangely coherent prose.
I am a pair of chic leather boots and high top cons out for a night on the town.
My clothes hang in boutique racks and surf shops...
nothing in my closet matches.
From melancholy to metal - my life is filled with sound.
I am a string quartet garden party
in the middle of a mosh pit.
I've sat on the sidelines of runways and pitches,
a two-step of ballet meeting hip hop.
I could spend an afternoon sitting in a gallery
or on the subway talking to strangers.
I love people.
Short and skinny
Tall and fat
Famous and homeless...
I am a romance of Jane Austen hooking up with Marvel.
I am a city girl who loves the country .
I surf the web and oceans
I am a collage of styles,
A patchwork of environments.
I am not "a" genre
I am a collection
spontaneously penned
uniquely defined
awkwardly executed.
I find strength
through faith
in things I have not seen.
I am an oxymoronic parody...
anticipated serendipity.
There are parts misplaced,
leftover screws after assembly,
seasons hidden in shells yet uncracked...
yet somewhere amidst the chaos
and gong shows
it all makes sense.

This is my life...

360+5

2010-01-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

I was inspired today.
By a movie.
A movie about french cuisine
365 days
and a blog.

And as I was driving to hang out with a friend
I was challenged.
Challenged by a thought -
a God -
desperate to be known,
discovered,
sought after...
by me.

And the invitation sat in my heart...
the provocative idea
that I couldn't always wait for the reality of God to hit me in the face.
That He wasn't just about revealing Himself.
That there were elements of His character that needed to be pursued.
Intentionally.
With perseverance.
Dedication.

The thought of finding or learning something new every day about a God I have committed my life to be in relationship with has been a little exciting and daunting at the same time. Like reaching the summit of Mount Everest - exciting at the prospect...daunting in the climb - the work involved.

It means a lot of thought.
Asking questions.
Learning to listen.
To pursue.
To press into uncharted water.

And so I embark on my 360 + 5...
A full circle with some bonus steps.
Some of you may be at a loss to think of 10, let alone 365 aspects of God.
Maybe you will be intrigued by my journey...
maybe you will be inspired to begin your own...
but may we all be changed by the collision of humanity with that which we will never be able to fully scratch the surface of.

Be prepared to be surprised.

For those of you wanting to hitch a ride on my journey, the blog will continue it's daily course on: 360+5

the morning after

2010-01-01T15:07:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have a moment that is so incredible, you hate the thought of crawling into bed and closing your eyes with the fear that it will slip through your fingers and be gone by morning? If only we could hold on to moments forever...live in the adrenaline of that moment forever.
If only...

You see, it's easy to fall in and out of love with the church...
to become disillusioned by her glaring faults
to be first critic to her weaknesses
to be wearied by her call to duty.
It is easy to jump on the bandwagon of human hype
and fall off in the realization you have joined the circus.

But when all the background noise is silenced
and there are no meetings to attend,
no groups to run
no planet to save...
and God becomes the object of affection,
void of all distraction,
it changes things.
When you meet God
- really meet God -
it changes things.
It changes you.

Life on planet earth is one riddled with the pursuit of answers.
Discovering who you are
and what that means
and what you mean
to the season you find existence.
To the people you do life with.
To the God who created you.
My journey has involved searching the depths of my humanity and how that relates to God.
Tangibly.
Realistically.
Relationally.
And God always surprises me.

One of the things that always seems to accompany discovering or rediscovering my heart with God is the fear that it will only last a moment.
That the memory will fade in time.
That I will soon forget what I have seen...
what I have learned.
But one of the songs that stuck out in our worship the other night reminded me that I am not the only one pursuing...

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I've always wondered about the morning after the wedding...
what it would feel like waking up beside someone.
Continuing on a journey with someone.

I rolled over in bed this morning, and with a smile realized I was not alone...

rings, things and first loves

2010-01-01T02:10:00.001-08:00

The snow lies in moonlit blankets, the air at 30 below is "fresh", and warmly wrapped in a snuggly blanket with candles flickering in the fireplace, the moment is surprisingly perfect. It must be the end of the year...the time of the calendar where everyone reflects back on the last 365, and sets goals for the next.
So much has transpired...
So much is anticipated...

I greeted the morning of the last day of the year with the news that a friend had received a ring. A ring that would end her years of waiting and catapult her into a new season, a new adventure. She had found her forever love...

And we celebrated...

One can't be overtly excited about their new years plans when they have work scheduled in the prime time of festivities, but the commute affords some great reflection time. And in my two hours round trip, my solace afforded me snippets of my past 30 years...
hearts bursting with the height of adventure
or the depth of loss
grill cheese in countryside castles
walkman karaoke
muddy games of football
plastic tents in cow pastures
rooftops in Peru
walking highschool halls
or Californian piers
oyster cards
Grand Central Station
Telephones and Great Ones
and cities of Champions...

So many places penned in my existence,
so many memories squirreled away in my collection...
and of all the great adventures I have embarked on,
there is one that has alluded the wanderlust of my soul,
the blazing reality that haunts thoughts:
that I have yet to fall in love.
To be in love.
There's been varying levels of attraction
Odd dates and random moments...
But all pale in depth to the reality of love.

God's been reminding me of this lately.
What it means to be in love.
To love Him.

I've grown up in Christian circles...
One service or two
Mid-week
Youth
Small Groups
Mission Trips
Evangelism
Humanitarian Aid
Study
Debate
Conferences
Worship
Prayer
I've done it all...

And God's reply was direct...

I see what you've done,
your hard, hard work,
your refusal to quit.
I know you can't stomach evil,
that you weed out apostolic pretenders.
I know your persistence,
your courage in my cause,
that you never wear out.

But...

you walked away from your first love
—why?
What's going on with you, anyway?
Do you have any idea how far you've fallen?

The truth in this passage has been cutting away at my thoughts for the last couple weeks.
We hide so well behind our clubs
and groups
services
pretenses
and sacrifices
that it is easy to spend our time in existence instead of relationship.
We spend our time doing
instead of being.
We bear the name
but never taste the love.

I spent my New Years Eve quite differently than the 30 preceding...
I spent it at home
with a handful of guests...
candlelit vigil
of prayer
and worship
and quiet moments
to be still
and know...

These past few months have been a wrestling in my spirit
a battle for my focus and purpose
and I've struggled...
I've fallen...
I've forgotten...

But in scarlet moments,
Hope is coming for me...
for I was made to know You.
And in a moment of crying out on the kitchen floor -
hungry heart and thirsty spirit
I saw the year unfolding before me
in the awkward,
the adventure
of rediscovering my first love.
Opening the dormant, cob-webbed heart
to One who has been waiting.
One who is ready
to take my hand
and make fresh tracks
in the coming dawn.

My hope and prayer for all of you
wherever 2010 may bring you,
however God's best comes wrapped and boxed in your life...
to not forget
Love.
To find
Love.
To live
Love.
To Love.

looking for kansas

2009-12-26T16:03:00.000-08:00

Life can be such a giver of gifts...
held in boxes of new beginnings,
colourfully wrapped in changing seasons.
I have been a recipient of such gifts,
and as I embark on these new adventures,
for the first time in my life I feel homesick...
a little displaced -
trying to find footing in my new surroundings.
I look around and I can't find Kansas,
let alone Toto!
I can't put my finger on the cause...
I mean, this isn't the first time I've relocated,
and it more than likely won't be my last,
but through a series of events I have realized I am a long way from "home".

Now home is not just the place that holds childhood memories of scraped knees and tattered jeans,
or the door you walk into to find coffee and cinnamon buns waiting for you.
To coin a cliche...it's where the heart is.
Where it beats comfortably.
Where it curls up on a couch and unwinds.
Where it exhales.

Sometimes home is a place with family,
but it can be amongst strangers that carry the feeling you've known them your whole life.
Home is a scent.
Songs.
The warmth of a familiar blanket.
The fit of a favourite jean.
It's the friend who knows when you need a coffee.
The pair of hands that see when you're desperate for a shoulder massage.
A book that you get lost in.
A coffee shop you find yourself in.

God has blessed my life with some amazing people and opportunities during my stint in the arctic. But despite my bravest and persistent of efforts, it still feels like a far off place to home.
Some of it has been my own doing...keeping each moment busy like only I can.
Some of it has been falling into the trap of comparisons - sizing up apples to oranges.
A chunk belongs to having unwritten dreams and goals for my life seemingly screech to a halt in the activity department.
Maybe it's unrealistic expectations for what is actually being accomplished.
Whatever it is, my heart has not found Kansas.
Not yet anyway.
Where does that leave me?
For now that means following the "yellow brick road"
and looking forward to whatever may lie just around the corner in this funny time of being in Oz,
glancing down at the ruby slippers with the faintest of hopes,
"there's no place like home"...

lest we forget

2009-11-11T23:37:00.001-08:00

Today I was thinking...
I know - scary -
but I was given a solid minute,
a minute to remember
to ponder
to think...
For some who have little to think on, this minute stretches to eternity...
And yet for those who have history drenched with memories, faces, battlefields -
that minute hardly does justice to each thread of thought.

And as I looked around at the swarm of poppy pinned people:
the young
the old
the veteran
the standing
the wheel chaired
the strollered...
I saw the dwindling generation, steeped with sacrifice
feebly holding out their history
for the thankful
the curious.
I saw parents teaching their children of legacy
and respect
while the background was a buzz with those who cared little
and remembered nothing.
I saw the next generation standing at attention,
without the experience of the sacrifice they were standing at attention for.
I saw the indifferent keep walking,
talking,
too busy for one silent moment
or an anthem of freedom.

And I wondered
at how we remember.
What we remember.
Do we remember?
Do we understand the gift that we've been given?
Will we be able to pass along the stories to the next generation
when the frail are silenced by the grave they eluded so many ears ago,
and their names fade from memory?
Do we care?

Because today we honour...
today we show respect...
Tomorrow we'll curse them for driving slow on the highway.
We'll roll our eyes as they take their time fumbling to get exact change from their wallets in the express lane.
We'll sigh dramatically when they begin to tell us that story for a hundredth time...
but today - today we'll remember.
We'll remember what they gave us.
We'll remember respect.
We'll remember where we've come from.
We will remember...if only for one minute.

barefoot in snow...

2009-10-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

Soooo...I've been having a nite -
alone in my room...
Pondering life.
Pondering death.
Pursuing purpose.

I'm tired.
I'm congested.
I'm not ready for snow.

It's October.
It's supposed to be fall.
I was expecting a season in between summer and winter -
And yet it lies - a fluffy white blanket - over my world.
Cold.
Kissing the few lingering threads of life with the reality of death.
Reminding me of my mortality.
Of my love of warmth.
Seeding within me the hope for spring.

Life is like that.
Unexpected.
Chilling.

And in the face of that - I'm listening to some new music on my itunes...

Dance With Me
Behold You have come
Over the hills upon the mountain
To me, You will run.
My Beloved, You've captured my heart

Won't You dance with me,
Oh Lover of my soul,
to the song of all songs?

With You, I will go
You are my Love
You are my Fair One
The winter has passed and the springtime has come

Won't You dance with me,
Oh Lover of my soul,
to the song of all songs?
Romance me,
Oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs.

How I need those moments...of quiet intimacy with my Creator.
When my heart flutters...
When it breaks...
Through smiles forming...
the tears falling.
When life deals us the unseen.
When we can't grasp what is unknown.
To be held in the arms of God...
romanced despite our circumstances -
Held in his strength
By his strength...
To be seeded with new hope
that passes through early winters
into new life.

Hallelujah! It's a good thing to sing praise to our God;
praise is beautiful, praise is fitting.

God's the one who rebuilds Jerusalem,
who regathers Israel's scattered exiles.
He heals the heartbroken
and bandages their wounds.
He counts the stars
and assigns each a name.
Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
we'll never comprehend what he knows and does.
God puts the fallen on their feet again
and pushes the wicked into the ditch.

Sing to God a thanksgiving hymn,
play music on your instruments to God,
Who fills the sky with clouds,
preparing rain for the earth,
Then turning the mountains green with grass,
feeding both cattle and crows.
He's not impressed with horsepower;
the size of our muscles means little to him.
Those who fear God get God's attention;
they can depend on his strength.

Jerusalem, worship God!
Zion, praise your God!
He made your city secure,
he blessed your children among you.
He keeps the peace at your borders,
he puts the best bread on your tables.
He launches his promises earthward—
how swift and sure they come!
He spreads snow like a white fleece,
he scatters frost like ashes,
He broadcasts hail like birdseed—
who can survive his winter?
Then he gives the command and it all melts;
he breathes on winter—suddenly it's spring!"

To those walking through winter,
may you learn what it is to dance on snow...
each step seeded with spring.

the 1000th time's a charm...

2009-09-04T19:19:00.001-07:00

There are so many things in life that we feel are givens.
Things that we've figured out.
We're sure about.
We know the quick answer.
We're ready to respond.
We know the truth.
We're ready to execute justice.

Do you ever have it where you've read something 999 times, and the thousandth time around you see something different? Something that's been there all along, but you've been too focused on other things, other points of view, that you've passed over the obvious?

I had that the other day when I was chatting with a friend about the the adulterous woman, cast before Jesus by the religious leaders.
The truth was obvious.
She was caught.
Guilty.
No discussion needed.
No defense offered.
Deserving death under their current Jewish law.

And we all know how Jesus responded.
He drew in the dirt.
He gave the leaders a show-stopping one liner:
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
And they dropped their stones.
They left.
One by one.
Guilty.
They knew the truth.

But this is when it dawned on me...
"Let he who is without sin..."

There was one person who remained with the woman...
He was without sin.
He had a collection of stones ready at hand.
He could have used them to execute justice.
He met the requirements of a sinless judge.

But instead of exercising His right for justice,
He exercised His way of mercy.
Grace.
And in doing so, He was committing Himself to the cross,
to carry her guilt instead of making her pay the penalty.
He knew the truth...
Because He was the truth
and the light.
But He was also the way...
the only way back to a right relationship with God
and eternal life.

And I thought about the body of believers..
and how often we can be quick stone-throwers...
especially when the truth is obvious.
May we learn the way of executing grace
and be quick to see not just the sinner,
but the eternal destiny of their soul.

the rose ceremony

2009-08-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

Life can be a series of open doors, calculated decisions, and blind leaps of faith that twist and turn our choices into journeys, destinations, discovery. Not just to unveil where we're going or why we're here...but who we are. Who God created us to be.

I am a question person...I am the whiny kid in the back seat wondering "Are we there yet?" The tug at the pant leg that questions "What are you doing?" The inquisitive brow that wrinkles with a "Why?" On the rare occasion I ask out loud...but most of my inquiries remain locked inside a private conversation continuously dialoguing in my head.

Over the past couple of months I've been wrestling with a lot of questions...my future...my giftings...where am I going? What am I doing? Where will I be in the fall?...It has been a constant dialogue with my Creator, wrestling back and forth. Waiting for something to trigger a direction.

This whole process has morphed into a similiar dilemna of the final rose ceremony...two equally attractive prospects standing before me - my heart torn in both directions, and my time to make a decision breathing down my neck...

And after much deliberation, a fair share of tempting offers, and the feeling of cement shoes on my feet that constantly remind me of a circle of friends and family that love and care about me - I made a decision. There wasn't a green arrow pointing to a single door. There were multiple doors...all open...all inviting...all sharing in the balance of pros and cons. Each one holding people that I love and do life with. It was a wrestling match of epic proportion, weeks consumed with thought and prayer in actually choosing one.

And the rose goes to...

And so, for the next few months anyway, I remain separated from some amazing family and friends in Ontario to continue life's adventure in Alberta. I am excited to see what God has in store for me here. Had you told me a year ago I would CHOOSE to live in a city that reaches 40 below, I would have laughed in your face...in a nice way of course!

I guess God does have a sense of humour...

risk

2009-08-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

Those who risk it all do so with the anticipation of something greater than their expectation being shadowed with the possibilty of losing big.

There's nothing like a good piece of reality tv to set the buzz amongst conversations. By unfortunate chance I happened to catch the "After the Final Rose" episode of the Bachelorette. Now there's quality television for you! Amidst broken hearts and sob stories, there was one sucker who got rejected on an earlier episode and "risked it all" to return to the show in hopes of winning the girl, only to be rejected a second time around...

And although I have little to no respect or sympathy for people who attempt to find true love in front of cameras and nations, there was something about this risk and rejection that set my thinking cogs in motion...
He thought he had it in the bag.
He gambled big
and ended up empty-handed at the end.
Was it worth it?
If he could go back, would he do it again?

I always thought the phrase "calculated risk" was a bit of an oxymoron. Risk involves unknown variables that cannot always be seen. There is nothing that we can possibly prepare for, guarantee, or reduce to an equation when true risk is involved.

But how many of us really risk in our lives?
Do we even know what it is anymore?
We have so much securing and insuring in our lives. Absorbed in our fast-process society, we tend to take the path of less resistance...why risk when you don't have to? The average person will stay in a job they hate because it guarantees a paycheck. They will enter into relationships that involve little pursuit because it entails a lesser chance of heartbreak. They will make the safe choices that surround them with a sense of security, lowering their aim from the stars to the things within reach.

The fear of failure.
The fear of struggling.
The fear of rejection.
The fear of vulnerability keeps us from experiencing the thrill of greater things.

But settling will never fully satisfy.
and the thought of "what if..." will haunt us on the opportune risks we let pass us by...
The risk of leaving the security of an unfulfilling job to find work that connects all of our passions.
The risk of possibly losing a friendship to unite soul mates.
The risk of being honest...
with thoughts.
feelings.
convictions.
In the life-altering.
In the miniscule.
Daring to dream.
Daring to pursue.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not advocating throwing yourself mindessly wherever the wind may take you! Risk still involves strategy...

But the bottom line the question will remain before us:
Will we place our trust in the seen? or the unseen?
At the edge of whatever chasm you are standing on, are you willing to risk the solid ground beneath you for the thrill of jumping into the unknown?
You just never know that on one of those risks of shooting for the stars, you might actually get one...

of strengths and weaknesses...

2009-08-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

A childhood song was replaying in my head this morning on the way to church...

"the joy of the Lord is my strength..."

This simple phrase has usually been translated to mean that our physical strength comes from knowing God. That living in Him, we can overcome anything.
But this morning I began mulling over it in the light of the concept of strengths and weaknesses...
Is the joy of the Lord my strength? my strongpoint as a Christian?

There is a saying that has always brought some level of perspective in my life...
"Preach at all times, and when necessary, use words."
It constantly challenges me to look at my own life and contemplate what message I am daily sending of my relationship with Christ if words were not an option.

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see when two people are enjoying their marriage and when a couple is merely co-occupating space or going through the motions.
The same is true in our relationship with God.
We've all met the honeymooners.
The seasoned couple, still going for walks and holding hands.
But we've also hung out with the ones on the rocks.
Those who are unhappily "sticking it out" because they know it's the "right" thing to do.
The posers.
I've lost count of how many services I've sat in where the participants look like they'd rather be getting their teeth pulled than sing another song, or the sullen Christians I have met who know all the answers, yet lack the freedom to truly enjoy God.
Because apparently that is our chief end...to glorify God and enjoy him forever...

Sometime, somewhere, someone equated a monotone, composed reverence to the epitome of holiness.
And through the years we've adopted this attitude, this controlled response...and forgotten how to express joy in our relationship with God in a natural way that honours and glorifies Him.
We get overwhelmed by the weight of sin.
The physical cost of sacrifice.
The drudgery of everyday life.
We harbour the fear that too much emotion will lead to mindless worship.

And it brought me back to the context of the passage in Nehemiah where that childhood song originated from...to a time when the people were hearing God's word, and were weeping at it's reality.
The reality of their sin.
The reality of truth.
And Nehemiah responds by telling them to feast!
They were commanded to enjoy choice foods and sweet drinks...
When's the last time you went to church, well aware of your shortcomings, and someone told you to party?

A wise man once commented on this passage..."These are the means which the Spirit of God crowns with success, in bringing the hearts of sinners to tremble and to become humbled before God. But these are enemies to their own growth in holiness, who always indulge sorrow, even for sin, and put away from them the consolations tendered by the word and Spirit of God."

Because, you see, joy is not always a smile...
but it finds its balance in seeing that God is holy...
that the reality of sin is overcome by the reality of a Saviour.

And so these questions have been stirring in my spirit...
What does enjoying God practically look like? here? now?
Am I truly enjoying my relationship with Him?
Is it the joy that others see and desire?
Is it my strength?

being ONE

2009-08-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

In the last couple of weeks of trying to figure out what the next step of my life will be, I will admit to moments of exasperation, frustration and indifference in my prayer life. As the days draw me closer to making a decision, and the friendly suggestions increase, I hardly know anymore if I'm coming or going!

It's been in this season of long, drawn-out decision making that God has sent "gentle" reminders to me of where my focus needs to lie. There's a book that has been a constant bedside companion throughout the years, and on the random occasion I pick it up, I always have to laugh that what it has to say is exactly what I need (but not always want) to hear...

"If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life, it becomes simpler to us, because we are less inclined to say, "I wonder why God allowed this or that?" And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should be characteristic of the children of God.

"Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him." (Matt.6:8) Then why should we ask? The point of prayer is not to get answers from God, but to have perfect and complete oneness with Him. If we pray only because we want answers, we will become irritated and angry with God. We receive an answer every time we pray, but it does not always come in the way we expect, and our spiritual irritation shows our refusal to identify ourselves truly with our Lord in prayer. We are not here to prove that God answers prayer, but to be living trophies of God's grace.

It is definitely a journey to be forged into a trophy of God's grace, and although the seasons of being shaped into His purposes may seem long and drawn out, they will be but a breath in the glimpse of eternity when God will greet us...

"Well done, good and faithful servant..."

the hills are alive with the sound of...silence...

2009-07-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

Soooo...as many of you are aware, I took a whirlwind trip to BC this weekend. As many of you are also aware, I am a music FIEND...there's always something on my ipod, in my cd player, downloading from itunes. I love music. I love discovering new sounds and artists. I am often found chilling, coffee in hand, to some genre.Needless to say, I have a plethora on my playlist that would long outlive a 12-hour trek through the mountains. A road trip is NEVER complete without the classic mixes for the journey! Except for this trip...this was going to be different. A conversation with a friend challenged me to perhaps branch out into unchartered territory, so as I set out on my lone adventure, I decided I would try to make it all the way to my BC homeland without the companion of music. That's right folks...a little bit of quiet time with me, myself, and I...and God. This was a trip where I wanted to be intentional about hearing what He had to say...

I never realized how uncomfortable I am with silence. The first couple hours were spent fidgeting my way through the miles with only the sound of wind whipping through my open windows or the impatient drumming of my fingers on the steering wheel. Hmmm...10 more hours to go...

Somewhere between departure and destination I began dialoguing with God.

"Ok...so what do you want me to do?"

This has been a question of interest to most people who take up conversation with me...what will you be doing in the fall? More importantly, WHERE will you be? Of which I have been evasive and non-commital in my response.

"What do YOU want to do?"

This response kind of halted me in my thinking tracks. It wasn't the ping pong question that usually accompanies bad, indecisive dates. It was the reminder of the simple truth that God is interested in our thoughts. Our desires. He created us that way...

I think sometimes we get caught up in the thought that to live for God involves sacrificing ALL of our desires. That we will be asked to do the jobs no one else wants to do in places no one else wants to go. That to live abandoned to our Creator, we will have to surrender what may seem like selfish pursuits.

I'll admit, it took me a while to answer the question. It's been so long since someone asked me what I wanted to do...instead of what I felt I should do. Where I felt pressured to be.

It was incredibly liberating as I unveiled my deeply rooted "wish list" to the One who already knew my thoughts.

Because, you see, He desires dialogue over dictatorship. He wants to partner with you...to see His will and that of His creation join with tandem vision. There are desires placed on our hearts that find their origin in Him. But sometimes it takes the step of faith in voicing them that engages the pursuit.

And so, for a time, my answers may continue to be evasive - but I am pursuing...and I will not rest until I rest in Him.

the becomings of an anthropologist...

2009-06-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

It's been interesting starting my new job @ Anthropologie. Not only am I surrounded by uniquely beautiful things, but a mosaic of humanity. People from all walks, cultures, styles, orientations, religions. Needless to say, conversations have been more than interesting...I find amusement in the irony that "Anthropology" in translation means the study of human beings, everywhere and throughout time. And as I transition into finding my place in my new working family, the endeavor to consistently live out my faith in a secular environment is constantly before me. Up to my elbows In the midst of stacks of inventory, I was processing today how religion has offended countless of the lost, broken, searching...not for it's simple truths, but for the "believers" who get caught up in seeking to be right, and forget to seek first the kingdom...
And it dawned on me...the only people that Jesus offended in his lifestyle ministry were religious people.
Rule bound.
Book bent.
Leaders.
History makers.
Desperately wanting to be right...
to the point of taking down whatever stood in their way.

Now hot water is something God has never been afraid of encountering.
WITH PURPOSE.
Jesus healed on the Sabbath.
He associated with the rich and famous,
and the down and out.
He influenced world leaders,
and changed the lives of prostitutes.
He showed compassion
without compromising truth.
He showed grace
without compromising justice.
He didn't seek to prove his point of view...
but he was always ready to share it.
His life drew people,
not by force
but with a force that was impacting,
Influencing,
Life altering.
Eternity changing.

Because his purpose was not to win an argument,
but to see the thieves at the end of the day
receiving paradise, and the love of an amazing God.

how do I love thee?

2009-05-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

"If what we call love doesn't take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love."

Ouch!

I read this phrase, penned by Oswald Chambers, and cannot stop threading it through all parts of my brain.

The parts that ponder God.
The parts that hold my family.
The parts that hold my friends.
Even the parts that still hold a mystery...

and I wondered at my capacity to love.
Truly love.
Surrendered.
Sacrificially.
Completely.

excerpts from my journal...

2009-05-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

A mild form of amusement for me is to reread my journals. I get a good laugh over the things that gave my head a spin, the gong shows that I have walked through, and the journey of life and growth I am always a traveler of.

Last nite I found something written across the pages that exposed a disturbing part of my warped mind...

"I am either caught in the desperate thought of wanting something WAY beyond possible reach, or the disappointment that I am destined to look but never have. They sound similar, but the first reflects fragile hope, while the second is a miscalculation of thought that God is punishing me. The reality of both is that I still wake up and go to bed alone."

Maybe this connects with the singles of the crowd.
Perhaps some of the married.
There is an element of truth that connects to all of us.
What we are hoping for could be anything...

A job.
A house.
An acceptance letter.
A relationship.
A child.
Healing.
Reconciliation.
One more chance.

And in not receiving our elusive desires, we can sometimes slip into the land of deferred hope, left with the sinking feeling that we will be the last ones in the class picked for the team. Either there's something wrong with us, or something wrong with God.

I asked really nicely...
I followed all the rules...
Why?
What are we waiting for?

Because we, of all people, should know what is best for us.
And the time it is best in.

And yet I have prime examples in my life where what I thought was a "perfect opportunity...missed..." in the long run has proved to be an "opportunity...perfectly missed"...

I don't always understand God's timing.
I don't always "get" the big picture.
I don't pretend to know why some people get all the breaks, while others score the "character building journeys"...
But what I have been learning is what trust looks like...
not blind, but eyes wide open to the tangible
with a heart expectant in the unseen.For now that means crawling into an empty bed...
but recognizing I am not alone.

on the outside of the circle

2009-05-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

This is what my inner circle tends to look like...a closed environment of a hand-select few I enjoy spending my time with,
sharing life with,
being open with.
They are the ones I am comfortable with...
can say almost anything to
and accept me for who I am.
I am not afraid of being seen beside them in the street.
I pick up their phone calls.
reply to their emails.
and unlock my door when they come down my driveway.

God's been convicting me of something as of late...the internals of circles.
The unspoken membership requirements.
The unwritten rules of admittance.
And I had to wonder,
would Jesus get an invite in?
If he was socially awkward?
Tucked his shirts into his shorts and hiked up his socks?
Dropped corny pick up lines?
Or told dry jokes?
Sure...we'd tolerate him in public, and extend a civil sympathetic conversation,
but would we invite him to our social outings?
our house parties?
Christmas dinner?

"...there was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him. He was despised and rejected...
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised and we did not care." (Isaiah 53)

This is where we have to turn off our human perceptions and ask God to crank up our spiritual discernment. We naturally gravitate to people who are similar to us...but we need to come to the realization that this is what God's circle looks like...one that sees the spiritually awkward, and is not ashamed to call them not just his friends, but his children.
One that nailed social protocol to a cross and hung in our place.
One that calls us to see past our own comfort zones and into a place that recognizes each soul as a being created in the image of God.

living in uncertainty...

2009-04-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

I like to have a game plan. Know where I'm going. Visualize my target.
That hasn't been the reality of my life the past couple months.
And as much as I'd like to know...I don't.
As much as I want answers..they're not there.
I am not in control...It took Oswald to give me a little perspective last nite...

Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1 ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

turning point

2009-03-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the back room @ school, waiting for a laminator to heat up, I felt the urgency of squeezing in some morning devos, so I hauled out the camo and opened up in the psalms. Hoping for something to divert me from my present personal frustration, seeking direction, and craving connection, I flipped to Chapter 13...

"O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?"

Hahahaha....talk about connecting to my headspace in the opening verse!
Hello?!!!
Remember me down here?!!!
Relocated to the arctic wastelands of Fort Saskatchewan?!!
My whole "visitation" to the western world was inspired by the need to seek God. To quiet down my life and listen. To get some answers...some direction - without feeling the pressures of being pushed and pulled in every direction by well-meaning people in my life.

And so far I've got nothing.
Nothing but silence.
And silence is something I'm not usually comfortable with.

You see, I have a problem relaxing...I'm a bit of a workaholic actually. I want to make sure I am maximizing my potential.
I want to live with purpose.
I want to be intentional in every area of my life.
And now it's God's turn to be intentional.
Intentionally silent.
Because His silence is forcing me to stop.
To be patient.
To rest in Him.
To restore my weary spirit.
To rebuild the broken.
To lay burdens down.
To learn to trust.
To exhale.

If He gives me direction, I must go.
If He speaks, I must be obedient in response.
But if he is silent, I must be still and wait on him.
Because, you see, sometimes God's silence is not punishment...
it is a blessing of rest to lives grown weary.
And although we could probably push out another mile,
he gives us what we need in season...
Because he loves us.
Because he is good.

"Restore the sparkle to my eyes...
I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me."

In six short verses, David brings us full circle from the pit of despair, to the reminder of the hope that lives within us...the God who loves us.
And so I wait in silence, knowing the sparkle days will come...

permanent residence at the zoo...

2009-03-07T18:33:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks of trying to find a church to intentionally sow into while I live in Alberta has felt like an old game played on first nites of camp. Everyone would get a piece of paper with the name of an animal on it. At the flick of the light switch, you would walk around the room, giving your best impression of the animal in attempts to locate like-sounding suckers.

So the lights have been shut off, and I'm bleating like a sheep, wondering why I can't hang out with the horses for a while...
The church is a phenomenon of the modern age...a walking paradox of beliefs, understandings, practices, experiences, convictions, externals. I find it fascinating that ONE body unified by ONE God can host such extremes! The funny thing (and scary thing at times) is that there is no stereotype for Christians. We are not bound by a limited demographic, class, gender, or style. We bear the artistic brush of a unique God using different mediums to paint a portrait of His bride that lies beyond human definition.

I have walked through the doors of countless buildings, all perfectly content with the thought that the way they "do church" is "the way" church is done. And as they sit comfortably in the pews of their understanding, they often can get caught up with thanking the Lord they are not one of "those people"...

The ones that sing only psalms.
Hymns.
Choruses.

"Those people"
The ones that stand poker straight.
Raise their hands.
Fall on the floor.

"Those people"
The theology driven.
The emotionally experienced.
The emergent.

"Those people"
Old-fashioned.
Trendsetting.
Modern.

But if we will only open our eyes a little wider, we will realize we all fall under the category of "those people"...

We have tidy labels that try to define "us" from "those" people...
Charismatic.
Baptist.
Reformed.
Alliance.
Pentecostal.
Lutheran.
Countless threads of differences, all claiming to follow ONE risen God.

As I've sat in the back rows of churches I am a physical stranger to, I wonder at what God's thoughts would be of today's church. What He thinks of the lines that divide us...the styles that separate us. I often wrestle with the reality of what the body of Christ looks like...
The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ..."

We have all been baptized into ONE body by ONE Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit...

but our bodies have have many parts, and God has put each part just where He wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part..." I Cor. 12:12ff

Thankfully there are those who long to see the body of Christ function as a whole.
But there are those who amputate body parts that are not like them.
There are those who are ignorant of any part but their own.
There are those who don't care for anything outside the lines they've drawn in the sand.

There are those within the body that are so tightly laced, they cut off circulation - not only to the rest of the body...but to their soul. On the flip there are those so loose in their beliefs, they are tolerant to anything and everything crawling into bed with them. Being a part of the body means celebrating the mosaic of differences, while maintaining the truth that has set us free.

Being a Christian involves an action on our part: an intentional connection - not just to Christ, but to His body. His bride.

And what a bride she is!
The honeymoon is definitely over...and waking up beside her has been a little bit scary at times...
and yet I need to see her and love her as Christ does.

And so I find myself in places I may not necessarily have chosen for myself,
but I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm sowing...
I'm hanging out with another species, appreciating the differences, and recognizing we are all a part of the same zoo!

Anybody wanna hang out with the chimps next?!!

going public

2009-03-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like I owe someone a public apology. I've been in a bit of a funk as of late, and it is often the ones that are closest to us that bear the brunt of our mood swings, short circuits, and blundering mishaps and bad attitudes. So here I write - for the awareness of my entire facebook and blog community - because I've wounded a friend, and if I can right a wrong - I figure this will be a partial offering of peace...

Here goes nothing...

I'm sorry...I know I didn't drop you a line like I said I was going to. The part of me that wanted to talk was afraid of what we would chat about, and avoiding the opportunity to spill the beans on my current brainwave has become habit. I tend to suck at asking for help, or even making an attempt to reach out...I know you are always there for me - I don't know what I'm afraid of!

I'm sorry I lied. I was TOTALLY the kid with the hand in the cookie jar, hoping that my lie would blind you from what you saw. I don't know why I couldn't just come clean...you knew...and know...and I knew and know that. I was stalling for time...for the bell to save me.

I'm sorry for hiding out like a naked sinner in a garden. Like I could avoid confrontation! I had a momentary lapse where the bottom of the bush seemed like the safest place to stay rather than face the music. I can close the door on my room and shut the world out...and yet you wait patiently outside. Heaven knows why...

I'm sorry that I blamed you...it wasn't your fault. In my meager attempts at trying to understand something without full communication - it gave me very little peace of mind to pin the blame somewhere. Anywhere but on me, or in something I can't understand. It always seems to be a magnetic pull to attach things to you - you are an easy target because you're so patient and will take it like a champ.

I'm sorry that I second-guessed you. I know you told me a million times, and you've never let me down before. Why would this time be any different? And yet - it all seems too good to be true...I'm waiting for you to trip up. To disappoint me. To leave me hanging. I mean, it's not like I haven't done it to you...

I'm sorry for ignoring you...were you talking to me?! It seems easier at times to ask forgiveness for not listening, than failing at what you needed me to do as your friend. I've gotten so used to strategically avoiding what you say in the hopes that I can avert the discomfort of confrontation. I'm being selfish again...

I'm sorry for getting impatient with you. I, of all people, should appreciate fine timing! But ever since I was a kid, I always have had my finger in the batter before the oven's even preheated! I have a hard time waiting for something when my expectations are so extremely high. I must have sounded like the whiny child in the back seat...are we there yet?!!...and having been the driver on many cross-country trips, I should have appreciated the mileage it takes to get to a destination.

I'm sorry that when we were out the other day, there were moments I pretended not to be with you. I'm sure you probably noticed me hiding behind the rack, or plugging in my ipod and plugging out of the public conversation. I wasn't in the mood for sharing, or explaining, or connecting...

I'm sorry God...

for my lack of faith
for my limited trust
for boxing you in
and boxing you out.

You reflect a friendship I cannot comprehend.
May I endeavor to live in the light of that.

learning to let go...

2009-02-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

There is something in the familiar that is comfortable.
Secure.
Empowering.
Safe.
There is something in the familiar that flirts with the endangering line of becoming static.
Hindering.
Routine.

A couple Sundays ago marked the last service in the place lovingly dubbed "The Big Blue House." I wasn't church-hopping when I first stumbled through the doors of this old church turned bar turned church, and I definitely wasn't expecting that the other side of those lime green doors would become home to the past two years of my spiritual growth.

It wouldn't have been my choice for a church home. It was completely on the opposite spectrum of what I had been raised in.
And yet it was the perfect fit.
I am traditionally untraditional.
I love the creative aspect of God.
I love the unique.
I love the challenge of change.
I love the comfort of the uncomfortable.
I love unpolished diamonds.
And I had come to love this place - scary bathrooms and all - ridiculously cold, dark, tattooed and falling apart.

But the time had come to say good-bye to a physical place that had come to mean so much, and hold so much. And in those quiet moments, writing on the walls that had seen so much change and growth in my spiritual journey, God spoke these words...

"You cannot hold on and press on at the same time."

This single phrase rippled through everything current in my life.
Sometimes we are holding on so tightly to things, that we miss out on the opportunity for God to take us to new places, and trust Him for new things.
Whether it is past experiences,
the security of a job
circles of friends
family
lifestyles
homes...
we become comfortable with the familiar and what we can see and hold.

"You cannot hold on and press on at the same time."

These words came at a time when I was saying good-bye...not just to a building, but to a life.
A life I was fairly comfortable in.
I knew where everything was.
I had a circle of family and friends who loved me.
I had plans for the weekend.
I knew my purpose.
What I held in my hands was good...but could I let it go for something "different"?
Something that didn't promise security?
Somewhere WAY outside my comfort zone?
Could I give up all that I had for something unseen?
And as I pondered these things, I could hear the whisper...

"Do you trust me?"

Because that is ultimately what it comes down to.
Trust.
Faith in the unseen.
Believing that the God of love who has blessed our lives with amazing things,
can one-up what He already has accomplished.
It's the vision to see what is in our hands is good...
but looking forward and knowing that something just as good (if not better) is waiting for us in the bend of the road.
And for God to fill our hands with new things, we need the strength to open our clenched fists with expectation.

For me that meant climbing in my car, traveling 3400 kms, through wind, snow, and ungodly cold stretches of Manitoba,
to sit in my new room in Edmonton,
No job.
No church.
No friends.
No security.
trying not to freak out over no longer being in control,
having more "free time" than I've had in the last 5 years combined...

And as the noise of life dies down,
I am in wonder at what God's about to do.
Open hearted.
Open handed.
Waiting.
Expecting.

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on..." Phil.3:13

when life gives you ashes...

2009-01-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

There is something in the framework of our humanity that is uncomfortable with the broken. It can be somewhat unpleasant at times...
Messy.
And there is something within us that sees the mess and wants to fix it.
The humanity within us switches to auto pilot disaster relief.
Instead of waiting for the dust to settle,
we are already on the ground with supplies
and good-intentioned plans to cure -
Disease ravaged countries.
Natural disaster zones.
Other people's problems.

Don't get me wrong - there are immediate needs that will always need to be met.
But sometimes in our rush to silence whatever is unsettling our thoughts, we overstep the immediate need and start applying our band aid ideas to whatever we can get our hands on. And sometimes the very things that we think will help the situation the most, end up being the very things that will hinder the process of healing.

It was 4 years ago around this time that I trekked down to Mississippi with a hundred high school students. I remember, like it was yesterday, driving past the remnants of what Hurricane Katrina left behind.
Those pictures are forever burned into my memory banks.

It was sobering to set foot on front yards children used to play in,
silenced by a torrent long past.
To look at streets once lined with houses,
now long stretches of twisted debris - stripped bare of life.

To walk on the leveled foundations of what were once homes -
places representing years of life.
laughter.
memories.

gone.

in a moment.

It was a community ripped open at the seams,
devastated.
grieving.
And we were strangers
treading upon their exposed hearts.

It was brokenness I was privileged to see only a fragment of...
and yet that brief walk gave me a humbled perspective.
One of the things we were told while working there was that physically repairing something wasn't the main avenue of helping the broken.
It was to listen.
To let the people share their stories of the storm,
and their journey beyond it.
To walk beside them through their morning after...
However long.
However awkward.

Because you see, to walk is part of the process.
It is sometimes the brokenness that we have to painfully walk through
that will bring complete healing in the end.
If we had just gone and repaired their homes on the outside
we would have missed the bleeding heart on the inside.

Not every cut can be treated with a band aid.

Sometime in your lifetime you may be called to places of brokenness.
In a moment.
Some situations will be messy -
Broken families...
Broken communities...
Broken people...

And there aren't always easy answers.
Instant solutions.
Comfortable conversations.

Sometimes the immediate need is not to fix the problem.
It is to walk -
at times in silence -
thru a brokenness beyond our understanding or rationale.
It is to watch the weak attempt to get back on their feet
and stand beside them
in the morning after their storm
It is to weep with those who weep.

Because sometimes we need to be broken for a while.

It will be a journey of pain...
little steps amidst the rubble.
It will be a journey of time...
some days only moment by moment.
But it will be a journey of healing...

God...give me the strength to walk in Your way
...and the wisdom not to get in the way.

Christmas Gong Shows

2008-12-30T09:09:00.000-08:00

Forget the Christmas bells a-ringing...
this year resounded with (((gongs)))
and plenty of them!
I'm not sure what I was really expecting. Given the past couple months, I should have read the clues and KNOWN that this Christmas would be different. I guess I was throwing my last threads of hope that something magically would happen on the 24th of December that would make everything I have been going through disappear into the abyss of what we know and understand of the "holiday spirit".
Boy...was I in for a surprise!
and not the kind that you want to find wrapped under your tree!
From armed robbers,
pouring rain,
child meltdowns,
puke,
exploding diapers,
bath oil doubling as shampoo,
unsettled stomaches,...
it was definitely not the peaceful evening I was desperately in need of!
There was a time in the evening where it was only my dad and I sitting at the table eating "family" dinner, and just as I was reaching the point of feeling sorry for myself, I had a minor epiphany...
this is Christmas.
It wasn't about meeting expectations
but meeting a need.
As I thought of all the travelers caught in airports this year due to some wicked weather, I couldn't help but think of the travelers at the first Christmas, called away from their homes by a foreign ruling, into towns with not enough rooms to house them.
Camping out in streets.
In stables.
And I was reminded of the reality that the Prince of Peace came in the midst of chaos,
persecution,
inconvenience,
animals,
shepherds,
jealous rulers,
simplicity.
The Messiah came
not as expected
but as needed.
And His birth brings hope
in the midst of our chaos,
despite our chaos
because of our chaos...
not just in the closing days of December
but every day
throughout the year.

I'm looking forward to the new year,
and the gong shows that will definitely find me out...
but I go being reminded that there will be NOTHING that I will face
that isn't first answered
by the gift in a manager
one chaotic Christmas...

on repeat...

2008-12-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

The last few months have brought a blizzard of events -
life happenings that weigh heavy on the heart and spirit -
seemingly relentless and bottomless...
to the point that I am tempted to unplug the phone,
lock the doors,
and stay in my bed.
For a while...
a long while.

I know my writings over the past couple months have been birthed out of the shadows of what I am going through,
and I am grateful for those who have journeyed thru with me.
I wish I could write something a little more “cheery” (I hate being a downer)
but the things that have found their way from my thoughts
to the meager scribblings you may have the opportunity to read
is raw.
real.
honest.
And part of the process of healing
and growing
that I am experiencing.
We have seasons to paint the roses
and seasons to paint the storm clouds.
Both are balancers of life.

And in this life, every once in a while I will get what I call a “season song”...
a tune that I just have to listen to over and over
either because its extremely catchy and well written,
or because it deeply connects with something I am going through.

Last nite I crawled into my bed
plugged myself into my ipod
and put this song on repeat...

Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Saviour
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory of the risen King

Right now I am standing encircled by a looming mountain range,
needing to be reminded that I believe in a God that is Mighty to Save.
That He will move the mountains.
That He will fill my life again...

May we continue to have the strength to sing...
and to shine...

oh Canada...

2008-12-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

In light of the recent disturbances on the Canadian political scene, I was reminded of some lines I had written during an early morning flight home from Calgary. In the wake of elections, it was a moment to look out my plane window and reflect on the land I call home...
I love my country.
I love living here.
I love what each province brings to the table.
(I included a map for my American friends!!!)For my Canadian friends - I just want to remind you that we live in an amazing country...full of diversity and potential. Despite our differences, we learn to work together. Regardless of which party is in leadership - the current challenge to democracy as we know it is appalling.
We, the people, can no longer remain silent.
Will we live up to being the true north, strong and free?
Will we fight to be ONE nation?
Or is being a Canadian about power at all costs?
What will be the sacrifice...
the compromise...
and are we ready to pay the price?

Looking down from lofty flight
upon the patchwork laced with grey
silent wings press ever onward
o'er the coming of the day.
Patch by patch, diverse in nature
'cross the miles, blanket spread;
simple stitching, interwoven,
bind a country by a thread.
Lost within the fragment motion
frozen in the yawning beams
one is blinded for a moment
to the tearing at the seams.
Ravaged land, of crimson purchase,
stretching freedom coast to coast
e'er to lie, the sleeping beauty,
midst ambitions selfish boast.
From the still, a breath of morning,
in the waking of the dawn
dissolving brotherhood to foe...
forgotten memory - she is one.
A whisper, softly, lend an ear -
hear her song, to sons command:
fist to fist, humble unfurling
for the healing of her land.

waiting for the dawn...

2008-11-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks have been shadowed by a lingering darkness.
Darkness that chills the bone
clouds the mind
and wearies the soul.
It was the collision point of multiple burdens in the reality of the unpredictable twists of life, and my spirit was numb with the journey,
full of a heaviness I couldn't shake.

This past year has brought the arrival of a plethora of real hurts and struggles:
Broken marriages.
Broken homes.
Broken hearts.
Addictions.
Cancer without cure.
Depression.
Death.
And the list goes on...
each representing countless hours of prayer
each met with what felt like defeating silence.
And in the overwhelming moments of feeling that I had missed something somewhere, an exasperation choked my lungs -

"Are you even there?"
"Are you even listening?!!"

I crawled into my bed that nite,
hoping my closing eyes would shut out the heaviness of my heart.

"God doesn't turn all things to good...He just gives us the strength to live through them." These words followed by a list of dire situations and hurting people burned into my already battered brain.

Was it true?
It's nice to say that God turns all things to good...I mean, that's what the Bible says.
But what is our human reality of that?
It's one thing to say something you believe,
and an entirely different thing when you are called to walk that out in life...
sometimes down dark tunnels,
surrounded by silence,
surrounded by the coldness of the moment,
and no speck of light in view to bring hope of the end.

I was reminded of a verse God had given me earlier that week for a friend...
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand. Psalm 37:34b-24

But the feeling of this moment was that God had forgotten,
that He wasn't listening.
that it wasn't hitting the priority end of His list of things to do today.
And I was broken...weary...
feeling like the battered wife of life,
crying myself to sleep.
Stumbling...

...and it came.
An outstretched hand,
a vice-grip on my spirit,
a beautiful surprise...
through the "not so random" email of a student...
through the words of a song...
through the prayer of a friend...
precisely timed.
I knew God was reminding me He was listening.
He was gently teaching me that my feelings don't define Him.
That He was aware of what I needed, when I needed it.
Because He cares about the details...
about the falling sparrows.

And I learned something about prayer...
Sometimes they are like seeds - going through the process of growth before we see the fruit of them. It takes time - even years - for them to be fully answered.
Sometimes our prayers affect the immediate,
sometimes they invest in the future,
but every one of them is heard by a living God
who formed us in the depths
and will reach us in the depths.And in crawling out of bed to face another day,
I know it is in the times you feel like giving up that you need to press harder...
for sunrise is just a lingering moment away from darkness.

forty

2008-11-11T11:56:00.001-08:00

As some of you may or may not be aware - I have spent the last 40 days fasting. For those of you unfamiliar with this practice, it is the sacrificing of something in your life to help you spiritually focus for a season. It is something that I've done in the past - but this time around I wanted something that would actually be work for me to cut out. So I chose solid food.
I know...what was I thinking?
I love food.
I love making food.
I love the texture of food.
I didn't realize how much it was a part of my life...until now.
It has been an interesting venture - nothing of what my anticipations would have wagered for - and at the end of it all, I am somewhat in a daze. In the wake of the past week, I'll be honest, I don't really feel like sharing. But I know that if I don't do it now...I never will. I have experienced the fingerprints of God on my life in a deep way - not in the way I was expecting -and I am changed...and changing...
The one thing that has amazed me through it all is this: not one person in the last 40 days asked me what God was saying - they were more concerned with the weight I must be losing and the food I wasn't eating. The almighty scale posed more interest than the spiritual.
And in truth, keeping my focus off the physical and onto the unseen has been the battle over the past 6 weeks. And as I've sipped my way through two blenders, a couple national elections, and the loss of a friend - today is the day of perspective and looking back on the journey...

Blenders are my new best friend.
Squash soup is off the menu for a long while.
I do not go to bed hungry.
I have a better understanding of what manna may have tasted like after 40 days - let alone 40 years!
Living on the edge is undertaking Thanxgiving dinner when you can't pre-taste anything!
Guacamole smoothies just don't compete with the real deal.
If it can't be blended...it can be melted.
Cheesecake freezes.
"Do you have a blender?" is not a crazy question to a waiter who is dressed like a hot dog.
Creativity is a good solution to deprivation!
Food takes up a lot of my thoughts.
Not eating is my choice - not my circumstance.
We take for granted the simple things God gives us.
I'm good at planning...it's the sticking to the plan that is work!
Writing my daily journey in my journal was a good idea...poorly executed.
Sacrifice is hard for selfish people.
I have a lot to learn about prayer.
I have a lot to learn about God.
I do not fully understand sacrifice.

Last nite I was lying in bed, unable to sleep after an exhaustive day of grieving. I was crossing a finish line - not in the burst of victorious home stretch adrenaline as I had anticipated, but crawling - wearied from the journey.
There are many things God carried my spirit through in the past 40 days - some I have shared. Some I may never share. I found it interesting my last day of fasting was spent at the graveside of a young friend and mother...I started the fast looking for answers, and ending it with more questions than I had begun with.

This, my friend, is life.
Unpredictable.
Searching.
Wrestling.
Sacrificing.
Seeking change.
Subject to change.
No guarantees.

In a moment - it all changes, and you realize it's not just about setting aside 40 days to gain perspective - but a lifetime.
Every moment counts.
Every day is a gift.
How you choose to unwrap that is your choice.

Seek the Lord while you can find him.
Call on him now while he is near.
Isaiah 55:6

when fair meets square...

2008-11-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

Life is not fair.

I don’t know whoever got lost in birthing that concept,
but the reality of life is that it is not fair...
not in our human understanding of fair anyway.

People have lived in their perception of the unspoken rules of fairness.
Sacrifice = reward.
Surrender = protection.
Generosity = returned blessing.

If I give all that I have, it is only fair that, in return, someone will sow generously in my life.
If I surrender my life, it is only fair that I will be protected.
If I choose a life of sacrifice, it is only fair that I will receive blessing for selflessness.

And yet we see good things happening to those who don’t “deserve” it...
and suffering filling the lives of the good.

It isn’t fair.

But this is how we see grace...
Good things happening to those who don’t deserve it.

This is how we see faith...
The good finding strength in the face of pain.

And we learn a valuable lesson:
God doesn’t operate in our standard of fair.
He operates in His goodness.
For our ultimate good.

If our actions guaranteed blessing,
we’d sign up for the instant rewards instead of the journey...
the relationship.
If our choices secured a life of ease,
we would never experience
the depth,
the width
of the love of our Creator.
If everything was “fair”
we would rob ourselves
of knowing a living and breathing faith.

Life is not fair.

This morning I woke up to the news that a friend had passed away from cancer.
She had only been diagnosed two days before.
She has 3 young children.
A loving husband.
A circle of family and friends who never got to say good-bye.

Death is not fair.

And every time I face it I realize that it is not natural.
It was not a part of God’s plan for humanity,
but it is a part of our current reality.

These are the moments I don’t understand...

When I can’t see through the fog of circumstance
I must hold to what I know:
Life may not be fair,
But I believe in a God who knows...
a God of love
a God of mercy
a God of life.
A God who has the ability to rewrite ALL things to good...

Today a friend left the hospital - free from her pain,
while her husband walked out the door, beginning his journey through it.

Arlene - in my sadness, I rejoice that you are free from pain. You are loved and will be greatly missed. We will not forget...

Phil - I cannot imagine the inexpressible amount of pain you and your children are facing. I pray the everlasting arms of God to reach into the darkness and hold you where none of us can.Heavenly Father...I pray for the strength to live -
moment by moment
by your grace.
in your mercy.
for your love.

However long this gift of life may last...
may we live for your glory.

scarred for life

2008-10-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

I was working the other day, and managed to scratch myself up something fierce...nothing like having a little blood drawn on the clock! As I was bemoaning the fact of my chewed up fingers, an epiphany hit me with the force of a runaway train doing mach speed: the reason guys brag about their scars!
I've never really understood the male fascination and pride with permanent life engravings (and maybe I'm off base and will have to go back to the drawing board of trying to understand the male species) but here's the hat I'm tossing into the ring for today...

(drumroll please)

I think one of the reasons guys love their scars is because they are the maps of a life well lived...permanent reminders of feats accomplished and bragging rights of disaster (and stupidity) survived!

The gash in my forehead from falling off a bike in order to spare my sister permanent tire implants.
The dimple in my foot from having a piece of glass embedded in it for almost a year.
Sports injuries.
Cat fights.
Falling out of trees.
Off brick piles.
Out of golf carts.
My body canvas will never be model material - it has long been weathered with a well-lived (and survived!) life. But you know what? I wouldn't trade my plethora of "doh" moments for a scar-less body ANY day!

And this got me to thinking...
Not only do we wear the scars of a physical life lived,
but the imprints of a spiritual one.

Each of us has been given one life to live on this planet.

Some will embrace this with "carpe dium" - running thru life with a complete abandon that makes sure every moment counts - despite the scratches acquired along the way.
Time is a gift - and they give it without expecting a return.
They love the unloveable.
Touch the untouchable.
They are the phone call away you know will be answered.
They don't keep score - but are given to generosity.
Hospitality.
Unconditional love.
They aren't afraid of their mistakes...only not getting up after making one.
They feel disappointments -
the depth of rejection and hurt...
the wounds of those who take advantage...
and still they give -
generously...
willingly putting themselves in the line of fire
because they know and understand and love this thing called life
and want to do it well
not just for them
but for others.

And then there are others who will remain in their comfort zones,
Not wanting to risk their hearts to the scratches of vulnerability,
rejection,
being taken advantage of.
They don't want to be someone's doormat.
Caught up in building up their lives here on earth,
they have forgotten the view of an eternal inheritance.
They don't have time to spare.
They sigh at inconvenience..
They can't be bothered with "other stuff"
because it means investing time...
effort...
sacrifice.
Faced with the fear of making a mistake or being deceived,
they err on the side of caution
and remain unaffected
and ineffective,
hoping the skin on their teeth is enough
to make the final cut.

Are we grasping the bigger picture here?
If we could choose people to protect our homes, our countries, our kingdoms...
would it be those who are afraid of getting hurt?
those who don't have the time to stay and fight?
or those who are so committed to the cause
that scars would be a small exchange for someone's life.
They would be willing to lay their own lives down
for the freedom and protection of others.

Having been shown this kind of sacrifice by our leadership, makes me wonder what kind of fingerprints we're leaving behind on this thing called life...

At the end of our time here,
will God see a neatly pressed Christian with self-protected interest?
or a wounded, battle-worn soldier who has fought the good fight?
On the battle lines of prayer
or enduring the bruising of real relationships with real people who have real needs.
Becoming vulnerable in a workplace, a community, a family, a church...
exposing themselves to the fire of ridicule
even if only for one life.

Each of us has been given one life to live on this planet.

Will you spend it protecting a life you cannot keep?
or on the front lines living a life you cannot lose?

29 and holding...oops! I let go...

2008-09-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

The inevitable has happened.
The doomsday preachers have said their piece
and the cake has been cut.
Anti-aging cream is apparently my new best friend,
reminding me that altho I may LOOK like I'm a teenager...
I have ascended past the hallways of awkward puberty and 80's fashions,
danced through the roarin' twenties -
across countries and continents,
through education and occupations -
and arrived at the doorway of the next dimension.

30.

The rumoured age of the awakening to life -
after spending the last decade or so figuring out who you are,
establishing what you want to do,
and pointing yourself in the general direction...
This is the age of unleashing.

This past week I took a good look at the last three decades of my life. I didn't really have time to take a DEEP gander - as always, long amounts of free time seems to be elusive in my life - but I did get enough of a glance to be amazed at where God has led me - especially the last 10 years. Birthdays are definitely days for reality checks and perspective points.
While there have been those who are constantly reminding me of the facts that life is now over, the demographics are shrinking, and the glaring reality that I'm still inhabiting a room @ my rents - I am refusing to accept this transition as anything less than my next adventure - free from the pressures of the mold! I am bound and determined to redefine what 30 looks like (dun dun dun)...and after that...maybe take over the world!!!
All joking aside, a friend had written on my wall that life starts @ 30. For illustration purposes, Jesus started His ministry @ 30...to think of what He accomplished in the 3 years following, and how it has impacted the planet over the last 2000 years is incredible!

Now I know I'm not called to save the planet...someone's already done that.
But I also know God has purposes in my life that He is bringing to completion.

After all the hype and anticipation of the upcoming transition, I had a good idea of where I wanted to be launching my next 30 years from - especially on a spiritual level.
Ideas. Expectations. Direction. Good intentions.
My horse was restless in the gates - anxious to start the race.
But instead at leading the pack from the gun shot,
I found myself on my knees,
humbly reminded that I'd tried to leave the gate without the key element:
The jockey.Then Christ will make his home in your hearts
as you trust in him.
Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.
And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should,
how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.
Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able,
through his mighty power at work within us,
to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Do you ever wonder what a heavenly sigh sounds like?
It's not the most comforting of sounds - but its origins lie in the patient love of a Father.
I felt such a sigh this week - as my whining prayers made even ME shake my head.
I was frustrated.
I already knew the answer to my problem.
I was just being lazy in dealing with it.
In my haste to make the next 30 count, I had focused on what I wanted to do,
instead of who I was doing it with.
I was busy preparing and planning...
instead of trusting and growing.

In our attempts to be intentional, fruitful Christians, we often forget the key element that will allow us to accomplish this effortlessly.
It is taking the time to be rooted in God...
trusting Him with every aspect of our existence...
being in absolute and complete awe at the width, the height, the depth of His love!

(Have you ever just sat for a moment and thought of God's love?
I highly recommend it.
It's life-changing.)

Above all else He wants to know and be known by us.
He wants us to understand the beat of His heart.
He desires us to take up residence there.
For it is only after training our hearts and minds to feel His pulse in this world
that He will be able to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend the next years of my life stumbling in weakness when I've been given the keys to strength.
I don't want to be depleting my energy "doing", because Infinitely greater things don't matter if you don't know the person you're doing it for.
I don't want to be a plant that has only enough water to survive.
I want to thrive.
I want to grow daily.
I want my roots to reach into the depths of God's love.
I want to trust Him fully.
And it starts with a choice,
investing the time
in intentional relationship
with the One who has the power
and is able
and waiting...

So if you don't mind, I gotta jet...
my back burner is calling me....

personal disclaimer

2008-09-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

In my attempts of cleaning off my desktop in the last days of being in my twenties, I have found some old "thoughts" that I thought I'd share...just because I can.Just a little foreword to this note - in case some of you have failed to realize this glaring point in my life: I AM NOT PERFECT!
What spurred this train of thought?...a conversation - somewhat heated - that ended with this:
"You always have an answer. You always have the right thing to say."
This might have been on the borders of being encouraging, had it not been laced with an underlying bitterness.
These words lashed deeply into my thoughts tonite - and I was stunned to silence. With only one thing to say:
I'm sorry.
Sorry if at times I spout idealistic thoughts that could not find home in your world.
Sorry if while in the attempts to figure out truth I don't convey enough of my own reality -
the reality that I battle with sin every day and am in desperate need of a Saviour.
Sorry if I've inadvertently hidden the fact that
I don't have everything figured out.
I don't execute truth as I'd like.
I'm not as strong as you may think.
I'm human.
Really...I am.
I have come to the conclusion that I am profoundly and irrevocably screwed up.
Due to DNA there seems little hope of reversing that fact.
Thanx to Jesus I have a chance!

There are a million and one thoughts that fill my twisted and analytical mind...only a small fragment of which are birthed into actual sentances that find their ways through my lips or fingers. Tonite in my room I had a practice run of saying things I've always wanted to say - but have lacked the courage, the freedom, or the balance to utter. The sentences looked a little like this:

"...I'm afraid of disappointing you with who I really am..."
"...I wish you'd call...I really want to talk..."
"...I forgot. I'm sorry..."
"...I'm struggling...give me a minute..."
"...I need help..."
"...I can't do this..."
"...this hurt me..."

There's something liberating in the actuality of saying things out loud - even if only to yourself. Especially when you're being absolutely honest.
So I write this little note that you'll never receive...
You just became the faceless target of what I'd like to say but probably never will.
I'm good at that you know...hiding.
Behind emails.
Behind words.
Behind faces.
Behind a strength that even I can't hold up to.
I want to be real.
Raw.
Honest.
Transparent.
Accountable.
No more games.
No more misunderstandings.
No more guessing.
I want you to know me.
The real me.
The whole me.
Not just the pieces I let slip every once in a while.
No...each dark and shadowed corner.
Every unchartered thought.
The depths of unsurfaced emotion.
I want to be aware of your presence -
To be uncomfortablely awkward in its glory -
and find the freedom I am craving.

For tho exemplifying strength,
Underneath I am afraid.
Afraid of rejection.
Afraid of disappointing.
Afraid of losing.
Not ready to be wrong.
About you.
About myself.
About this thing we call life
and what we try to understand about death.

I want to drink in this cup
This cup of reality
The bitterness of pain
The burning of passion
The pursuit of victory.
I am intense.
I live intense.
I love intense.
And I want more.
More of you.
More than enough.
I want to be free.
Free to laugh.
Free to dance.
Free to create.
Free to be.
And I want you to love me.
Not because you agree with me...
But just because you can...
Because you want to...
Despite myself.

losing face

2008-09-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting thought on my way home from work tonite.
After spending hours mulling the quirks of the global church - one phrase kept threading through my mind:
God would put his reputation on the line for us.
He would be willing to risk the reputation of the church at large
if it meant freedom in the life of one of his children.
He's more interested in thinking about you
than He is about what others think about Him.
Because the heart of the matter for God
is where the heart of the sinner is at the end of the day.
He left 99 sheep in a fold
to go after one that was lost.
How's that for odds.I love the passage that describes God's leadership...
"he who knew no sin became sin for us...
He made himself of no reputation...
came as a servant...
humbled Himself
obedient to the point of death..."

Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

God was humiliated...
He endured the deepest depths of human shame...
died at the hands of his very creation...
so He could save it.
He exposed Himself, so we could experience freedom.

Walking down the back alleys of Vancouver this summer, I was overwhelmed... without rain - the stench of urine off the hot pavement was incredible.
a heroin addict crouched behind a dumpster, drinking from partial empties and smashing the bottles.
a man looked up at me as we passed in the street,
his face dirty and his eye gouged out.
I've been to Africa where people are hungry, but it had been a while since I had walked down these streets of despair.
My eyes were repulsed...
my heart was gasping for air...
and God spoke...
"This was you...
this was where you were before I first met you." Some people clean up nice.
And some of those people forget they were ever dirty.
They see those still in the streets and turn away, repulsed.
Forgetting the compassion once shown to them.
They don't have an identity with the streets anymore
so they don't identify with those who still inhabit it's darkened alleys.

So many of us have returned to those darkened alleys.
and choose to endure years of double living.
We live up to the standards of externals
while succombing to the weakness of internals.
We've all been there
or are there now
if we're honest with ourselves...

But how many of us are willing to risk exposure to be free?
or to free others?
How many of us are living with private sins that would be excruciatingly painful to reveal...
stuff that would bring consequences, not only to ourselves but our extended circle of family and friends?

Do we hate sin enough to humble ourselves and bring it to light so that we can be restored to God?
Are we willing to mar our outward reputation so that our upward reconciliation can happen?
Are we ready to lose face, so we can see the face of the one that will bring true freedom?

That is the reason God came.

That is the gift of grace.

That is the gospel.

i chill with no namers

2008-09-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

What does the Queen, Madonna, and I have in common? Trick question...I know - and I can see the rabbit trail some of your brains are taking. I'll dispel the mystery before this gets disastrous. Not only are we all currently located on the planet earth, breathe the same air and poo in toilets, but we are amazingly all sinners, created by the same God - desperately in need of grace. Sometimes we forget that people are simply people...God sees us all on the same playing field.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people name drop. I'm not nattering on about the people who drop names to make passing conversation interesting. I'm talking about the name droppers who can't wait to unleash their latest connection as if it makes them a more important person because of the crossing paths or distant relation. They build these sometimes strangers up onto pedestals of god-like status. And their status depends on who they know. Who they've met. Who they have pictures of and autographs from. What their claim to fame is.

It's funny what we find our identity in.

There are some pretty cool people I have had the amazing opportunity of crossing paths with. Their names may not perk the ears of those in line for the famous - and yet they play an integral part in an unseen world. They are part of the body of Christ. They are the people I get to do life with.

Pastors who lead by sacrifice - living with little and trusting God for big things.
Young couples who live with passion, and give selflessly.
Single mothers who wait in faith on their Provider.
The educated who sacrifice higher paying jobs to serve in seemingly miniscule tasks.
Authors of unpublished books.
Poets of unsung songs.
Givers of awkward hugs.
Hardcore worshippers whose songs continuously echo in the heavens...sometimes in keys unknown to man!
Change makers who live the ridiculous to see cities, countries, continents, planets...transformed and renewed by the spirit of an unseen power.
Servants - Listening. Responding. Obediently.I'm not going to drop any names.
God knows who you are.
You are making a difference in the lives around you
and I am blessed to be able to do life with you.

Too bad the Queen and Madonna aren't as lucky...

did you know christians come with disclaimers?

2008-08-25T20:54:00.001-07:00

In the wake of the major church scandals that are currently rocking the world and shaking the body to the core, I have come to the realization that Christians come with a disclaimer. Make a mistake big enough, or public enough - and we have the right to disclaim you. Hand you a pink slip. Cut you from the team.

In our attempts at striving for earthly perfection - a church that does not falter before the world - we are willing to discard whatever weights or weakness that would slow us down or hinder our attempts...to cut our losses, our embarassments, our disappointments. I'm sure heaven is applauding our stealth damage control methods.

I mean, one can criticize Hitler's purging mechanisms in his quest for a superior race, but one can understand how those who make bad press for the rest the law abiding churchgoers, have to endure public and private crucifixion, excommunication, and disassociation. It's for the greater good of the team. How will we maintain our influence otherwise?

But in our haste of burning bridges and making sure that the world, and those weak in the faith, do not mistakenly associate "our" level of Christianity with that of fallen leaders and fraudulants - or their ministries, we've pulled the plug on the dirty bath water.

Did someone grab the baby?

And by baby, I am referring to the whole foundation for our faith. It's a BIG baby named GRACE. Maybe you'd forgotten about her. She was born while we were yet sinners. and is currently going down the drain.

In our efforts of trying to suck up our disappointment and save face, have we ever wondered what face we are trying to save? We'd like to think we're doing heaven a favour, but is it really our own? Partnered in pride, and the fear of being deceived?
Or is it for the Saviour, who, by the way, was numbered with the transgressors. So that makes HIM one of THEM...which makes it awkward for the rest of us on the other side of a burning bridge.

When someone disgraces the cause of Christ, it is our opportunity to be graceFULL. Jesus spent his time on this disturbed planet hanging out with the scandals of the day...he associated himself with sinners because THAT'S WHO HE CAME TO SAVE!

Now there's rocket science for you. Unfortunately some of us are still in first grade, and can't seem to understand the concept.

Let us not forget the man who penned many of the psalms was an adulterer, a liar, a murderer...a man after God's own heart. Whoah!...did that all come in the same sentence? We don't have to look far in the Bible to find faults. Or maybe we've been doing less reading and more reacting...

And in our reactions, what are we teaching each other?
The next generation?
The world?
That the church really doesn't tolerate sinners.
Mistakes.
That we cannot be open about our struggles because of the shame it could bring. The awkwardness it causes. The uncomfortable realization that we might just have problems.
And so many struggle in silence...and are struggling in silence.
Afraid of the condemnation of a church that should be practicing a truth that sets people free from their sin.

Instead of pointing our fingers, gossiping with our neighbours, and backing away from the lepers, perhaps God is asking us to touch them. To be a part of the healing and restoration into their lives. Will we risk social suicide to be God in this world?

My heart aches for Mike Guglielmucci, Todd Bentley,and their families...and the countless other wounded and struggling Christians who find themselves a stones throw away from people who once called them family.

But more than that my heart aches for the family that is standing, stones in hand - ready to cut ties with the weakest link.

When will we see the forest for the trees folks?

Maybe God's idea for a perfect church on earth isn't one that lives without mistake...but one that learns to live grace regardless of the sin.

Our heroes can often lead us down pathways of seeming success......only to carry us into heartache in a moment.

I will continue to pray and support them and their families.
I will continue to number them on my team - along with all the others who will inevitably follow.
Not because I am some kind of super Christian.
But because Christ is numbered with them - and I'd rather be on His side. His dream team isn't made up of Christians who get it right all the time.
It's made up of family, striving towards one goal, thru thick or thin.

Oh...can I say one more thing?
STOP BASING YOUR FAITH ON SINNERS!
I have heard so many stories of people "losing their faith" because of idiots in the church. News flash for you...the church is primarily made up of SINNERS -which, for the record, happen to NOT be perfect, make PLENTY of mistakes and will disappoint you on NUMEROUS occasions. Why put your faith in a faulty system? We should base our faith on someone that will NEVER change, and up until this point - the only thing that hasn't is God.

casualties are never casual

2008-08-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

I've been wrestling with some things over the past couple months. It has been an intensive process - of which I may never fully reconcile my over-analytical brain. It is the age old question of life, death, healing, and God.
hahaha...where do I start on that one!!???!!!

God has been bringing me to a new level of revelation.
A level of trust.
A level of understanding.
A place where I need to stop trying to figure it out - and just be a part of whatever He is doing.
He has been teaching me the reality of living for him in both the physical and spiritual realm.

For the past 10 months I have been contending for the healing of a woman diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer.
Because my God is big enough.
He is into the impossible.
He is a healer.

She passed away.

Did God change?
When she took her last breath, did He fail me?
Did He make a mistake?
Miss the memo?

Death is always an interesting level to find perspective.
The lions were crouching at the door...discouragement, defeat, frustration...ready to devour my faith with confusion and lies.
But as I felt the coldness of death - the powerful promises of a Sovereign God were strengthening my spirit. It's in these moments of not understanding that we need to hold onto the things we know. The truths that have been embedded into our souls. The firm foundation that we stand on. It's in these dark moments that we need to find refuge in the shadow of the Almighty...

He is a loving Father.
He is a healer.
He always turns to good the intended evil.
He works in His ways...not ours.
He is accomplishing greater things than we could ever hope for or imagine.

You see, when we give our lives to God, we are essentially giving Him the access to use it in whatever capacity He needs. We are volunteering for His kingdom. We are enlisting in a battle...a battle not fought on the wisdom of this world. We get so caught up in figuring out and helping God plan how best to be effective, that we forget our suggestions cannot grasp the complete and perfect plan of timeless and eternal God.

In every battle there will be casualties. Every war costs a life.
Some are called to bear weapons of prayer or ministry...
Some are called to the frontlines of sacrifice - giving up an earthly life so that through their death, some will receive a heavenly life.
I have personally felt the eternal beauty that comes from mortal ashes...

But there is nothing casual about the lives held within His command. The Creator of life takes life seriously. He gave His own life for it, and asks us to trust him with ours so that He may accomplish something greater in and through us than we could ever imagine.
He is precise.
He is tactical.
His timing is perfect.
No one is taken too soon.
Each life has purpose.
Each death has purpose.
We may not always see the eternal plans etched in a life - but we need to trust in the hand that holds it, and in wisdom has taken it.

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later...with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. Romans 8

God does not ask of us a sacrifice He has not already made.
The battle for our souls was ultimately won on a cross.
When you pray for the salvation of a friend or family member,
are you ready to let Him use your life to accomplish that?
When you desire to see change in the world,
are you willing to surrender it all to see it transpire?

Even if it means going to the ends of the earth...
Or the end of the street...
That we may love the unloveable.
Touch the untouchable.

Even if it means sickness deteriorates our physical bodies...
or tragedy robs us of our loved ones...

Are we willing to be obedient...humbling ourselves to the point of death
that we may accomplish heaven on earth
and fill the sky with His glory?

When you gave your life to Jesus...did you give it all away?

Really?

Thank-you Joy...for a battle well fought.
For a faith well lived.
For your song of worship that continues to echo in this city.
For the love you so richly distributed to your family and friends.
We celebrate what God has done in and through your life.
We grieve the space in our hearts.
Heaven rejoices in your faithful servanthood
and welcomes you to an eternity of worshipping your faithful God.
For really...what can we do but sing His praise?!!!

vindication

2008-07-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha...I'm currently on "vacation"...and in my newfound "spare time" I'm trying to clean off my desktop of notes I've scribbled down in passing but never posted...this one dated back to the beginning of June:

Today was awesome...just for the record.
Out of the darkness of discouragement, came a shard of light.
A breath of answered prayer.
A reminder of the presence of God in a broken world.
I don't know about you, but lately it's been feeling like the other side is winning.
I was growing weary from throwing punches through prayer.
Driving down streets that seemed unchanged.
Watching families disintegrate.
The sick take turns for the worst.
Every morning caught me looking at my face in the mirror and wondering if I was being effective.
This morning in church, as I am prone to do, I was asking God for some heads up!
Some sort of answer from heaven that would make sense of the madness.
He loves speaking to his children, just so ya know...
and the word He spoke was vindication.
"O storm-battered city, troubled and desolate!
I will rebuild you with precious jewels...
I will teach your children and they will enjoy great peace.
You will be secure under a government that is just and fair.
Your enemies will stay far away.
You will live in peace,
and terror will not come near...
Whoever attacks you will go down in defeat...
No weapon turned against you will succeed.
You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you.
These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the Lord;
their vindication will come from Me.
I, the Lord, have spoken."
Isaiah 54 (starting @ verse 11)

the price is right

2008-06-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite game shows growing up was The Price is Right. >Nothing beat a Saturday morning, some fancy pantsy 80's set, and the reminder of spading your pets. "C'mon down...your the next contestant!!!!" Gosh...the only thing surpassing that memory is being able to be a part of the studio audience and see Bob Barker himself, behind 2 inches of make-up - on a set that has LONG outlived its era...unfortunately!
The climax of the show for me was the showcase round. It always piqued my interest to see if the first contestant would stick with the first showcase, or gamble to see the second. Enter the dilemma...
This scenario flashed in my mind as I was driving away from my church the other day. I was just leaving from a prayer meeting/street bbq where we had been contending for God to move in our city. Not two blocks away, I felt God was asking me to give my sweater away to a girl I'd seen on my way out.
I had just gotten a killer deal on a sweet new hoodie...it was my first time wearing it out and it was comfy comfy. I should know by now not to wear new clothes to church!
Really? My new hoodie? What does that have to do with changing the city?!!!
Anna-Marie...how do you expect me to move in the city if I can't even move through you?
Ouch...
And what really impacted my thought process was the fact that He wasn't asking me to give from poverty. If affluence was reflected by the number of hoodies hanging in my closet, I'd be neck in neck with Bill Gates. What was one hoodie? I was beginning to think it was looking a little like my neighbours sheep...
I turned my car around.
What was one hoodie...

You see, most of the human beings on the planet are completely sold by what they can see and hold in their hands - that it takes a lot of convincing for them to give it all up for something they can't see. They'd rather stick with Showcase 1 than face the possibility of being disappointed with Showcase 2. Somewhere in our brains lies the misguided comprehension that nothing else could ever be better than what we are holding onto right now.
And the thing is, we get caught up in things that we no longer see people. We get distracted by the mountains of stuff that make our life convenient, or technological, or entertaining, or trendy...and are blinded to the beggars...to the needs...to the bleeding heart of God to move in a broken world. It seems funny to think that the more we have, the harder it is to share it. We feel a sense of identity with what we possess, that the opportunity to give it away without knowing what will replace it is a little daunting. But that's where God sees our obedience. Our love. Our trust.
How many of us would give the shirt off our back?
Even if it was a favourite?
Now before you go patting me on the back, the hoodie is still hanging up in my closet. I don't know what will become of it in the end, but in that moment I believe God was looking for an obedient spirit. Willingness to be a conduit of His love...His blessings.
He has poured so much wealth and prosperity in our lives. Are we willing to allow Him to use it as He needs? To be unattached to things so that we can attach others to His love and salvation?
Whether or not they are "worthy".
Whether or not we understand.
Whether or not we will ever see what one hoodie can do for a broken world...

getting into real estate...

2008-05-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

I can see the "up for grabs" sign already......flowing with milk and honey...hmmm...sounds lovely doesn't it? Perhaps I'll pitch my hammock under those trees and sip margaritas. When someone says "Promise Land", my mind instantly wanders to a place that is beautiful, lush, and ready to be relaxed in. It seems to skip over the micro fine print at the bottom of the contract: may house giants, and large fortressed cities filled with unfriendly people.
I find it interesting that God didn't lead a people across the desert to the lap of luxury. They didn't get to pitch their tents in the plains of ease and convenience. He brought them to a place overflowing with bounty so they could taste and see His goodness. But it was also filled with challenge and obstacles so that the people would learn to trust Him and seek His guidance.
The first rounders missed out because of two things:
fear and doubt.

Fear of what they couldn't accomplish.
Doubt of what God could.

When they finally got it (and after 40 years you think they would!) they crossed over the line.
There wasn't a battle won where God's counsel wasn't first sought.
There wasn't a city destroyed where His arm was absent.
There wasn't anything so great in all the land that God wasn't greater still.
But the coolest thing is that it wasn't just about the reward - it was a life lesson. God was showing His people the reality of what living by faith looked like. He was teaching them not to judge by the externals, but to overcome by trusting in what they could not see.
Last night God drew a line in the sand.
On the other side was the Promised Land.
It didn't just come packaged with the promise of prosperity...but the promise of obstacles, challenges, giants.
The only thing standing in my way were two things.
Fear.
Doubt.

I could receive...but that would mean I would have to lay down my own strength and walk in His.
Did I want it enough?
Was I ready for the pain?
Was I willing to seek God first on every battlefront?
I could receive...but it meant work.
Effort.
An end to apathy and spiritual laziness.
Nothing ever comes for free...there is always a bottom line - even if you don't have to pay upfront.
Even grace cost Heaven.

And in this moment I realized...this promised land isn't just a place...
it's people.
They are made in His image, and His promises are already in them.
Will we step over the line of the fear of man, and stop doubting what God can accomplish?
Will we face the giants?
Stand at the walls of strongholds with but a shout upon our lips?
Will we set captives free with our obedience?
Our praise?
Our allegiance to God?
How badly do we really want the Promised land?
Do we see the treasure?
The reward beyond the battle?
It's waiting...Let's hope it doesn't take 40 years...

what if?

2008-05-07T09:49:00.001-07:00

what if this was your neighbour?...

oh wait! It is.

I am currently putting a world relief magazine together, and while perusing the stockpile of photos for my use, I stumbled across these. It made my heart sick. It made my stomache turn. And I could not keep it to myself.
Why is it that we are so conditioned to seeing these images that they no longer stir us to action? They make us sick, but the thought is soon distracted by a grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte - no whip, the scores of last nites hockey game, and the question of whether Jennifer Anniston and John Mayer are actually dating.
Yesterday's hot topic on the radio while I was at the gym was the alarming decrease in people frequenting strip clubs...something attributed to high speed internet and cheap patrons. 22,000 die in Burma and we don't even bat an eyelash...but the world is coming to an end when live porn stars are in short supply.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH US PEOPLE?!!!

The only thing more disturbing than these photos right now, is the apathy of people who have been gifted with the opportunity and priviledge of education and economy, have more than enough, and know better...yet can't see beyond themselves.

This isn't a call to Africa, folks...it's a call to open your eyes.
To have a heart...
To see people...

nothing...

2008-05-01T17:53:00.001-07:00

Tonite I was driving home and my heart was breaking.
Breaking at the suffering of loved ones and strangers.
Breaking over the endless list of hurting people.
Breaking for a church that has grown complacent and powerless against the flow.
A phrase kept repeating itself over and over in my head...

...when the good do nothing...

I've read the Bible cover to cover and then some...I know the stories. I've heard the accounts of Jesus drastically changing the lives of many people. Of the disciples doing some far out ministry. I've often been in awe at its pages - filled with miracles, healings, and absolutely bizarre accounts of things that reach far beyond our natural realm.
I believe it to be true.

But in believing it to be true, what does this knowledge project upon my current earthly status?
If it is true, why am I not striving for the faith the size of a mustard seed to move a mountain?
Why do I feel helpless when hearing of cancer beyond cure, or medical conditions beyond understanding?
Why is it that we have resolved ourselves to the fact that we are sinners, and that whatever brokenness we may be facing is the consequence?
Why are we always looking at the physical realm with overwhelming discouragement, and not living in the passionate faith of a spiritual realm that will overcome?
What ever happened to the power of faith that committed people to all-night prayer vigils, who didn't take "no" for an answer, and saw men walk out of prisons?
Shadows of men that would bring healing to the sick?
Words that would cause the lame to walk again?
Singing that would open jailhouses?
If I believe it to be possible then, why shouldn't I believe it to be possible now?

Tonite I was driving home and my heart was hoping...
Hoping for a tangible miracle that would touch the magnitude of hurt in every realm.
Hoping for a stirring amongst silent churches, and prayerless people who have accepted this hurt as "life".
Hoping that the good people who, in faithlessness, are doing nothing...
and accepting nothing...
and changing nothing...
and believing nothing can be done...

Will start walking...
and talking...
and living...
by faith.

What are we waiting for?

glimmers...

2008-04-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

There is nothing colder than darkness.
Nothing more final than death.
And it is in the realm of life where one loses hope, that a hollowing pain empties our beings of any warmth...and something inside us dies and is buried.
Dreams.
Desires.
Expectations.
Anticipations.
Relationships.
Healing.
Loved ones.

The loss of hope brings a level of devestation into a life that can be irrepairable. A couple weeks ago I was in the prayer room @ our church journalling. In these raw, honest moments with God - I could feel I was losing hope. Getting frustrated with reality. Having a hard time seeing the future. Finding it hard to stand. Time seemed to be shortening. The darkness was getting colder.
And in this moment God directed my eyes to the photographs on the mantle. The one that held my family photo had a verse from Isaiah below it:

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength...

I'd heard the verse a million times before, but in that moment it struck something within me. God was reminding me to hold onto my hope...clenched fists, vice-gripped, white knuckled.
Why is it so important that we hold onto hope - in the midst of seeming unanswered prayers, struggles, weariness?
Because our "faith is the substance of things hoped for..." Our hopes are evidence of our faith in God. Our faith in His healing. His provision. His timing. His perfect plan. When we become hopeless, it is often a sign that we have taken our eyes off Jesus and started looking at the waves roaring around us. It is no time before we, like Peter, start sinking into darkness...

We can rejoice, too,
when we run into problems and trials,
for we know that they help us develop endurance.
And endurance develops strength of character,
and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
And this hope will not lead to disappointment.
For we know how dearly God loves us,
because he has given us the Holy Spirit
to fill our hearts with his love.

Part of this journey in life is learning endurance...developing character. Being reminded that God's love NEVER fails. If everything came instantly (as we have been conditioned to expect), these fundamentals would be rooted in the shallowness of our lives, and we wouldn't grow or become strong individuals.
I ask you this...at the end of the day, has God ever disappointed you? Has He ever NOT turned something to good in the end? Has He ever not loved you? Not answered? Not given you His best (even if it takes a different face then what you had wanted?

It didn't take God long to show me how quickly things could change...
in a moment...at the right time...the right place...
And with a gentle reminder I could hear Him encouraging me from the sidelines:
"...just hold on a little while longer...you're almost there!"

just a bit of silliness really...

2008-04-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

As most of you are well aware, I have come to term my life as “the gong show” …a series of obscure and random events that continue to keep me amused and adventured. The past month has been fairly bizarre…not going to lie.
God has been awesome at teaching me things as I have been striving to be obedient to where He has currently placed me. There are times I feel alone in my decision making process, and He has been constant in reminding me that He is near. He is interested in every detail of my life. He is available. 24/7/365.
One thing that has been ringing true is that each life has a different set of instructions and assembly – we all have been created with our own unique paths and purposes. We all were made to look different, love different, live different. Whether we choose to walk in that is another story. But if we dare to step outside the flow, to not try and box our lives to look like the next, it will be amazing what new worlds will unfold for us…
All this musing reminded me of the movie “Finding Neverland”, depicting the life of J.M. Barrie. Here was a playwright who saw such different worlds, and found freedom outside the box of regular thinking. People deemed him crazy – and yet that pressure did not hold him back from penning his masterpiece that connects with the “child in all of us”…Peter Pan. He saw worlds unseen and unknown, and shared them with the skeptic - silencing the critic.

I share this to premise a bizarre but true thing that happened to me last nite.
Setting: a big blue building I call church, for a nite of prayer/worship
Status: sporting lobster arms, nursing a pulled abdominal muscle, but otherwise unhindered and ready

Usually Thursdays are set aside for just praying…but tonite we incorporated a time of worship beforehand. As I was thinking over something that God had been teaching me, I could hear that one of my friends sitting behind me was sniffling. I went to get a box of Kleenex. Not knowing the words to say, I simply sat beside her, rubbing her back and praying for her.

All was copasetic.

Enter the bizarre.

For some of you this may be a strange thing, but every once in a while God will give me a picture. Sometimes it’s fairly “normal”…other times it’s just a little out there (given my track record of gong shows…I’m sure you’re finding that hard to imagine!) Anyways, this picture I got was of my friend, and God had just given her a new pair of white shoes. She was so excited, she was running around showing everyone her new shoes. At this point I was thinking I was suffering a little bit of sunstroke or heat exhaustion. In such a “spiritual” moment, to share this would be silliness…
Because I have tried to start being obedient, even to the point of what may look stupid (or silly) to others, I started writing down what I saw and different verses and specific things that God was giving me to partner with it:

"For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared." Galatians 6:15

How beautiful…are the feet of the messenger who brings good news, the good news of peace and salvation" Isaiah 52:7

I gave her the note, silently praying she wouldn’t think I had totally lost my marbles! During our time of sharing/prayer, she got up and laid out what God had been doing in her during worship. Interestingly enough, before reading my note, she had seen a picture of shoes and thought it was a little bizarre. Interestingly enough they were white (an obscure fact I had left out of my note!)

I know this story strays from a conventional way of thinking – a step-by-step process that we can control and come to within the realms of logic. The only reason in sharing it was in the hope to encourage you with the simple truth that God still speaks to His people. He wants to know you and be known by you. He moves in mysterious ways to perform wonders that sometimes mess with our minds. If you don’t believe me, I suggest you pick up the Bible and peruse – both OT and NT – some pretty bizarre things that bite the butt of logic.
Before you think I'm in need of a padded room, I just want to say there is a place for logic. But there is also a place for things that are bigger than what our minds can comprehend. Some have probably stopped reading by now and chalked it up to the cheap drugs I did in school (which are nonexistant...I have no substance excuse for my thinking patterns!) Some will read this note and write it off that we conjured up such a coincidence. Others will be intrigued at the possibility that something like this could actually happen.
My only purpose in ruffling feathers and rocking boats is to remind you that God has given us His Spirit to lead and to guide us. By having realtionship with God, we are privy to a world that is unseen and unknown by most. God is calling us to share this with the skeptic, the critic...to connect to the spiritual being buried deep within us all.
This experience taught me that the Spirit does give us the words to say in season. This comes in part when we make ourselves available with a willing and obedient spirit...one that is not afraid to be different.
Don’t be afraid. Step out in faith. Pursue Him with your whole heart, soul, mind and strength! God wants to use you. God wants to reveal Himself to you. He's not just interested in what you have to offer on Sundays or Wednesday nites…He’s interested in every part! Every darkened corner. Every hidden hope. Every dream. Every desire. He created you unique. He created you with purpose..And sometimes, just to encourage your faith and remind you of the fact that He is listening and speaking, He may use just a bit of silliness really…

greatness and grouches

2008-03-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

I didn't feel like going to church this morning. Following a week of being a stand-in mother to a determined 2 1/2 year old neice, and infant nephew - I was done. Sleep-deprived. Energy deficient. Tired. Exhausted. Drained. Ready to sleep in for a day or two.
I know, I know...it's Easter - the pinnacle of the Christian calendar (and mass amounts of chocolate intake)...who wouldn't want to go to church?! Well...when you're awoken at a premature hour to the whines of old gospel music after you've graciously given up your bed you haven't slept in for a week for a nite on the couch - my grouchy disposition was on the borderlines of leaping out into humanity and doing something drastic.
But drastic is a choice.
And so is grouchiness.

Instead, I opted to suck it up, get my caffeine for the morning and go to the big blue house I call church. Better than my morning cup o' joe, or an extra hour with my pillow...it was exactly what I needed.
Worship was awesome - with one of my fav P.Baloche songs in the mix...

Who could imagine a melody true enough to tell of Your mercy
Who could imagine a harmony sweet enough to tell of Your love
I see the heavens proclaiming You day after day
And I know in my heart that there must be a way
To sing a greater song, a greater song to You on the earth
To sing a greater song, a greater song to You on the earth

How does one sing a greater song, really? This was the question turning over my thoughts. With a single word, God answered my questioning spirit:

Sacrifice.

It seems so simple...and yet it is the hardest thing for most of humanity because it involves laying down ourselves for something else or someone else.

And just for the record - God's not asking us to do something He hasn't already done. His greatest song on earth came in the form of a sacrifice - held in place by 3 nails.And because of this song, other's have lifted their lives in harmony...can you hear them?
To an outcast harlot named Mary, it was pouring a bottle of expensive perfume on the feet of a man condemned to die...
William Tyndale's life song came through translating the Bible - to the point of martyrdom...
Gladys Aylward - missionary to China - sung to the audience of hundreds of orphans...
The list is endless really...but it's melody is found - not just in the crescendos of monumental, world changing endeavors...but in the everyday moments of surrendering oneself to something greater than self.
It is the song sung that chooses marriage over an office affair.
It is the simple tune that gives away a weekend to help a friend.
It is the gentle hum of the secret giver.
To sing is a choice.
To sacrifice is a choice.
What will be the song sung with your life?...

a decent exposure

2008-03-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written in a while. There's a reason for that...most of which involved a season of wrestling with God. Less than fun times...
I don't know if you've ever reached those points of extreme frustration...a fork in the road - or the anticipation of one. That has been the past few months of my life. I've been learning and growing so much it was inevitable that a next step was in the making.
But nothing was happening.
Um...God? are you there?
Tonite at our prayer service I got part of that answer...

I saw the Lord. He was sitting on a lofty throne, and the train of his robe filled the Temple. Attending him were mighty seraphim...they were calling out to each other, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Heaven's Armies! The whole earth is full of his glory!"
Their voices shook the Temple to its foundations and the entire building was filled with smoke.

I am always overwhelmed by the presence of God. He is amazing in all his facets...and tonite as I was pressing in with my questions of the next step, he was reminding me of unfinished business.

Then I said, 'It's all over! I am doomed, for I am a sinful man! I have filthy lips and I live among a people with filthy lips. Yet I have seen the King, the Lord of Heaven's Armies."

Here is the prophet - standing before a holy God, and recognizing who he is. Seeing the darkness and the filth - and feeling it's consequence. His first step? Confession.
Great...You want me to confess?!! Right now? But God, we're at corporate prayer...I can deal with my unfinished business on personal time. Nobody needs to know about my junk.
Um...that wouldn't be pride surfacing in your life would it?
Hahahaha...oh course not...hahahahahmmmmm...um...
Silence...
Right now?
Right now.
What about next week? First thing?
Silence.
A few more minutes?
Silence.
Sigh...here goes nothing...
And so I confessed - in the safety of my church family - the two things that I find I wrestle with the most...pride and honesty. (sidebar...I am so happy to be surrounded by a church family that I feel comfortable enough to be brutally honest with. That is what church should be like. It should be a place of getting free from the bondage of sin in our lives without fear. One of our church phrases is: doing life together! And in these raw moments, nothing could be more true!)
A little background history...since I was in grade school, lying was the best way I found to protect myself. I was an angry and broken little kid - hiding my hurts behind blankets of lies. I needed to be strong. I wanted to be strong. It's amazing at how habits form, and I find myself as an adult reverting back at times. Little white lies to feed the pride of maintaining some level of "togetherness".
There has also been this underlying fear and shame in the back of my mind that if I confessed "certain things" it would be detrimental to the cause of Christ. I love Jesus...so much so that I don't want my sin to mar his image since I bear his name. As I wrestled through that, a scene flashed thru my memory banks from Green Mile. I don't know how to describe it simply for those who haven't seen it, but this "angel" on death row extracts the "darkness" from others. God was telling me..."It's ok. I got it."
And in that moment of letting my pride go, and in being honest, I could feel a change.

Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal...he touched my lips it and said, "See, this coal has touched your lips. Now your guilt is removed, and your sins are forgiven."

Because you see it is only after we confess that we can be cleansed. First we must recognize we are dirty before we will appreciate a bath. And following our date with the burning coal, God can release his commission into our lives.

The I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?"

So often we try to go to the people without dealing with our junk or taking time to cleanse. We render ourselves ineffective in our disobedience and pride. The less forest we have blinding our vision, the easier it will be to help people through their forests. Each step is critical... Confession... Cleansing... Commission (sidebar: I can't believe I just derived 3 "C" points from this chapter - this must stem from my reformed upbringing!)
We are currently residing in a world that is in desperate need of hope. Of love. Of Jesus Christ. He is waiting...

I said, "Here I am. Send me."

**text taken from Isaiah 6**

til death do us part...

2008-01-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

Being "in love" is not an emotion I am experienced at, nor can I claim to understand the depth of intimacy a couple experiences within the walls of marriage. However, sometimes I feel God has gifted me the ability to imagine these experiences in my heart to understand in part the interactions of those around me.
Today I cried from such an interaction.
I called home yesterday to learn that someone I knew had just lost her husband suddenly in a tragic accident. A young mother of four, she is now thrust into life without her husband, her love, her best friend. Who can understand the depth of grief a person must endure...
A sleepless nite of thought ensued as I pondered the face of God in such moments. I will not pretend to understand the ways of God, the grief process individuals must journey through, or return volley with pat answers that cannot fathom the depth of loss...But in every darkened cloud there is a lining of hope - the very presence of God Himself amidst the storms...the tears...the questions...the loneliness...
It may only be a sliver in the making, but it is the whispered memory of His promises to those who love Him. It is the first shard of light to pierce the darkness and remind our grieving eyes of coming dawn...
There was a song we sang in church this morning that pressed on my thoughts the overwhelming truth of what it means to be a Christian...

"The same power that conquered the grave
Lives in me...lives in me...
The same love that rescued the earth
Lives in me...lives in me..."

Think about this for just a moment...
and then think about it once more...

The power that lives in us conquered the grave. Our lives are but a breath...a seamless step from life into eternal life. Even in the face of death we find victory because we are found in Christ...
This is such a simple yet profound truth. Whatever we are facing...struggles, uncertainty, weakness - a power abides within us that can overcome them. Whatever paths of darkness we must walk...the loss of loved ones, broken relationships, sickness - a love that saved the world lives within us that can save us...And yet for those who are left behind we feel less than victorious. Our worlds are ripped apart. Our heart is broken. We remain - stunned by the reality of humanity - clinging to God's promises that we will overcome. That by His love we'll make it...moment by moment...

And so, having said that -
I have nothing to say...
Nothing to make sense of this tragedy...
Nothing that will reach into the depths of your aching heart and bring relief to the unspeakable pain...
Nothing that will stop the tears from falling...
but I will pray...
Pray for a peace that surpasses our human understanding...
Pray for the Comforter to hold in ways that my humanity falls short...
Pray that His promises will carry you from this dark night and into the morning...

breathing room...

2008-01-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

Have you ever held your breath for an extended period of time? Cheeks puffed...lungs bursting - each second screaming at you for a release...for mercy...to exhale...I've been waiting to exhale for a long time...
After years of holding my breath: attempts to try and live up to people's expectations, to prove their opinions of me are wrong, living in the fear and pressure of what someone will think, to fit in, to get every step "right" and be involved in all the "right" ministries and opportunities, my 30-year old lungs are screaming at me...
I need to exhale...
I need to breathe...
It spiralled to the point of a caffeine overload, a booth at Montanna's and the question "Why?"
Why do you think God expects that?
Why are you living in fear?
Why are you patterning your thoughts around pressure?
Why?...
Why is such a great question, and yet it is restless in thoughts...
It doesn't allow you to walk away...
It cannot remain unanswered...
DANG IT!!!
At this point in my life, it had to be asked... and it had to be answered...
In the past couple months God has been bringing me to this place - this breathing room. A place where I don't have to be pretend anymore. A place where confusion meets understanding.
He desires my heart...
My freedom in body and spirit...
My best...
And so He has been peeling back the layers...
Dismantling the lies...
Stripping away the pride...
Revealing the insecurities...
Exposing the shadows...
He's been poking at my pursed lips and puffed cheeks - BREATHE ALREADY!!!
And in the safety of who He is, and the understanding of who I am and the relationship I have with Him...I exhaled.
Weary...I was now ready to become vulnerable. To be raw. To be honest. To be exposed to the God who understands me - who "gets" me. Who created me unique from the mold...
And I took my first breath...His very love and being filled my lungs...
This is the air I breathe...
This is the air I breath...
Your very presence living in me...
I want people to love who I really am...every unpolished nook and cranny of my life, my heart my mind. I want them to see. To know. And to love anyway...But even if they don't, I have a God who does.
I'm tired of the cycle of jumping through people's hoops. Fitting into their ideals. Their plans. Their expectations. I'm tired of supressing my spirit - trying to gain acceptance. Trying to save face. Explaining myself. Defending my actions. I'm tired of trying to hide everything in the closets when there's a knock on the door. Tired of people telling me how to experience God.
I want to be free.
I want the freedom to fail
if failure in the eyes of the world will draw me closer to my Creator.
I want to be different.
I want to be able to breathe.
I am accountable to God...not man.
His love is reassuring and unconditional.
His mercies are new.
He has less of an agenda than you think He does.
He is patient.
He is wanting.
He is waiting for you to breathe.This morning I woke up with paint cans in my "room", and a note
"Have fun"...

i should have listened more...

2008-01-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

I went to a Bible school in England almost 10 years ago...scary thought (on the length of time that is!) And in a couple weeks I will be able to retrace my footsteps back to that castle nestled in the heart of Britains rolling lake district and relive some of those memories. Tho mischief and mayhem were my main companions of the day, this was the pivotal point of my spiritual walk. I had the opportunity to learn and grow under some great leaders in the faith.
It's kind of ironic how things full circle in your life. The other day I found a story from a random book that chatted about the leader and founder of Capernwray. His name was Major Ian Thomas. He passed away this year, but while at school I had the privilege of hearing him speak, and spend Christmas chatting. I was struck at how the story really reflected my current quandry of thought...
"Out of a sheer desire to win souls, to go straight out and get them, I was a windmill of activity, until at the age of nineteen, every moment of my day was packed tight with doing things: preaching, talking, counseling.
"The only thing that alarmed me was that nobody was converted. That gets a little discouraging after a bit, doesn't it? The more I did, the less happened, and it was not a question of insincerity. The prospects and the environment were good; there was plenty of ammunition and plenty of target, but just nothing happened! I became deeply depressed because I really loved the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart; I wanted to be made a blessing to my fellow men. But I discovered that forever doubling and redoubling my efforts, rushing here and dashing there, taking part in this campaign, taking part in that campaign, preaching in the evening, talking to the Bible class, witnessing to this one, counseling with another, did nothing, nothing to change the utter barrenness and uselessness of my activity.
"Thus by the age of nineteen, I had been reduced to a state of complete exhaustion spiritually, until I felt that there was no point in going on.
"But one night in November, I got down on my knees in my room and wept in sheer despair. 'Oh God,' I said, 'I know that I am saved. I love Jesus Christ. I am perfectly convinced that I am converted. With all my heart I have wanted to serve You. I have tried my utmost and I am a hopeless failure.'
"Suddenly a phrase from a Bible verse flashed in my mind: Christ who is your life! It hit me with terrific force and it seemed God was saying this: 'For seven years with utmost sincerity, you have been trying to live for Me, on My behalf, the life I have been waiting seven years to live through you. Now supposing I am your life...I am your strength...I am your victory in every area of life.'
"I relinquished my own role in my life, saying to the Lord: 'If this is true, than I am going to thank You for it in sheer cold-blooded faith, with no evidence to support it, and nothing but a history of failure behind me. I am going to thank You that if You are my life, and this is true, then You are my strength, You are my power, You are my future. You are the One who is going to go out now, clothed with me, to do all that I so hopelessly have been trying to do in the past seven years."

I have so exhaustively tried living for God that over the past couple years I have fallen prey to my ideas of what I think I should be doing and how I should be living. I am a sucker for not being able to say no...for wanting to help whenever and with whatever I can. Although these have not been "wrong" in the nature of the activity, and have been somewhat fruitful, they have sapped my energy from God living through me. They have filled my time with good things, but not the BEST THING.
And so, I have taken a step back over the past couple months...from my commitments, my social groups, my life in general. I have learned to say no. I have started to quiet the busyness. The chaos. I have turned the volume down...and have begun to learn what it means to allow God to live through me.

in the stillness...

2007-12-21T23:44:00.001-08:00

Flowers strewn across a casket...and the phrase that turns my mind over "Why do you look for the living among the dead?"...

We buried my grandmother this week, and as I held the fresias in my hand - my last bid at an earthly farewell - I caught a glimpse of our mortal life...so delicate and fragile - blossoming one moment and wilting the next. Life really is short...and we only have one opportunity...
And life inevitably goes on...a flower dies and casts its seed to the winds...a life passes away, and with it the torch gets handed down for the next generation to run with. We are that next generation.

The irony of the whole saga is that death can be a great time for reflecting on life...for being reminded about all the things we are blessed with...for being inspired to make each breath count for something. Believe me, this can be tiresome even for the most energetic and spastic of the bunch!
This week I had the blessing of a reminder - a little tap on my shoulder - that my race had not yet finished...I had to run with endurance...I had to stop letting life pass me by. I got the fresh air in my lungs of inspiration and direction. Sometimes that's all we need to get going...other times we need a solid kick in the pants! Ouch...I think I got that one too!
The weight of everyday living can be taxing on our emotions, our spirits, our vision. The mundane sucks us into a cycle that seemingly lacks purpose and fulfillment. But even in these dryspells of life where we seem lost and wandering, God is at work. God is moving. God is turning all things to good. He is teaching you how to live what you say...to trust...to be patient...to take you to the deeper level of understanding His love when everything in your environment begs to differ.
I am blessed...not always with the clear cut pathway I would like, but the step-by-step process that teaches me to live faith. To trust God. To know His character to the core of my being.
And His character surrounds me...in the thoughts and prayers of my family and friends...In the simple gifts of emails, flowers, coffees, and an awkward hug or two! Thank you so much for your encouragement. For your time. For your heart. For going the extra mile (or hour!) to show your support and the reality of God's family.
I love you all...

hanging on a moment...

2007-12-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the opportunity to sit at the bedside of someone who is dying? To watch their chest rise and fall in laborious effort, the humanity within them fighting for every last breath? It is a sobering reality...
This week unexpectedly found me sitting at the deathbed of my grandmother. In my hands I held 94 years - so fragile in the fading moment - and I was filled with wonder....wonder at the life lived. Wonder at the moments experienced in such a vast spread of years. Wonder at the legacy she was passing down to her children, her grandchildren, her great-grandchildren.
Above my grandmother's bed hung a posterboard... a collage of black and white photos mixed with snippits of information of who she was and where she had been. In those quiet moments I wondered about the board above my own life. What words would capture my lifetime? What pictures would reflect my years? What legacy would I leave behind when my heartbeat slows to a whisper?
One thing that struck me, sitting in her room with but a breath and the warmth in her hands reminding me she still inhabited a place on earth, was time. Moments. Fragments of life pieced together that weave purpose and destiny. Sometimes we get so caught up in waiting on one moment, that we forget to live each moment. We look forward to the possibilities of so many things...starting school, forging new friendships, first kisses, experiencing the world, marriage, the birth of a child...monumental in thought - and yet at their passing, life does not stop. It is not over. It does not reach its climax, but rather these moments are joined by the next moment that fill the hourglass of life.
Over the past couple of weeks God has been opening my heart up to living in the moment. To not look so far into the future that I lose sight on today. To not put stock in one event in my life that it loses perspective to reality. As spontaneous as I am, I am fairly analytical and controlling of each one of my steps. Such thought has preserved me from falling prey to interesting situations, and yet it has also robbed me of enjoying the passing moment. It has brought intensity to each grain of sand I may be looking forward to falling. Life continues to spin its web...grains of sand continue to fall...and at the end of the day they will be a culmination of vague memories, and only one thing will matter...

bottlenecks
that squeeze the life
perfect and refined
in steady flow
a destiny
predictable
spirals downward

one grain
pressed on glass
betrayed
to swift currents
of passing time
swept into the sea
of falling moments

laid to rest
in pleasant burial
within the stream
of life itself
anticipated purpose
monumental
yet so small
simple grains of sand
continue to fall

Today my grandmother's grain of sand passed through my hourglass, and has joined the other moments of life that I have already experienced - each one part of my personal collection of the joys and struggles of living. She taught me to live life to the fullest...even when it may leave you a young widow, in a coma, dependent on others. She taught me what it is to age with grace and enjoy the little things...to smile in the face of adversity...to truly be content.
I was blessed to have had the opportunity to thank her...to sit beside her earthly body and honour her as she prepared to receive her heavenly body. To paint her fingernails one last time...
And in that moment of bidding an earthly farewell, I was graced with a gift. It was not in a weak smile, a squeeze of my hand, an acknowledgement that she knew I was there, the attempts of a whisper of love...physically she was unresponsive and slipping into another world. In the ambiance of that room there was the presence of a Father holding his dearly loved and life-worn child in his arms, and it was through her favourite book from the Bible, read aloud over her sleeping frame, that I received her farewell. Word after word stirred from the page as if she was speaking to me in the stillness of the moment.
And so I shall press on...I shall find joy in all things...I will continue to live boldly for Christ...and I shall continue the legacy that God has woven through your life.
I will truly miss you...may my life be as full!

silent nite

2007-12-11T02:01:00.000-08:00

I'm home after another whirlwind trip - a culmination of 2 months of intense work, extreme life and stress meeting a weekend wedding in California. CRAZINESS...
And so the dust settles...and after 12 hours en route home to process life in general, I find I am in silence...a good silence...a humbled silence...an intimate silence shared with my God...
This is me...raw... honest... exposed...and I find this song playing over and over in my head:

Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I reallly won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways
-Jason Upton

where I was...

2007-12-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

How dark and cold the shadows fall
when eyes are closed in weariness
that has not sought its rest
in piercéd hands.
The path long lost in twists
and turns to thorny branch
of feeble strength
all of my own.
Each stitch, each step
unravels in a chaos
strung throughout the pattern
of endless sleepless nites.
Skin and bones
a hollow image
bears upon cracked lips the name
of One who brings the sun.
Forgotten - yet he holds the key
and sways the balance
mixed vinegar with words
"It is finished."

i couldn't resist...

2007-11-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

gotta love the dutch revolution...

kleenex moment

2007-11-20T15:14:00.001-08:00

I learned something today from YouTube - sounds crazy, I know - and it only took a couple minutes of my time...something I've been distributing poorly as of late *sigh*.
I learned something about sacrifice and hope. I learned outlook and uplook is everything...and I saw the face of Jesus in broken humanity...it was beautiful...
and I cried...

I didn't post these to bring tears - but rather a reminder of a greater song that is sung in our lives when we're willing to sacrifice.
When we're willing to live HOPE out in our lives despite the painful and overwhelming circumstances.
When we tune our hearts to the upward calling in Christ Jesus - Creator, Saviour and the author and finisher of our faith.
He will run the race with us.
He will sacrifice at all cost.
He already has.

bah and humbug...

2007-11-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

It’s beginning to look alot like...um...November?!!!
Already the stores are prepping us for the largest consumer event of the year...string up the lights folks, deck those halls and wrap those gifts...it's Christmas! Prepare to write off the next two calendar months with extensive gift lists, dinner parties, and countless shopping trips to "packed-to-the-max" malls filled with ruthless shoppers and over-worked employees.
So much for glad tidings...
I used to look forward to this holiday, but somewhere along the line I have lost my enthusiasm. Perhaps it is partially due to the amount of rude people I encounter whenever I find myself sucked into the vortex of shopping in the tail-end months of the year, or the fact that I have two months straight to listen to the 20 bagillion versions of "I'll be home for Christmas" and "Jingle Bell Rock". Maybe it's the tiresome treadmill of parties I have to attend and people I have to buy for that never seems to end, or the guilt trips I get to go on for not having something for everyone on "the list".
Or maybe, just maybe, it is the nature of the beast - the overindulgent materialistic all-consuming attitude that wraps its fingers around shoppers and party-goers alike - that has me disenchanted with the whole season. Media and marketers scream from every screen and shop - buy! buy! buy! more! more! more! Just when you think you've got the latest in gifts, decorations, or party dishes...something new hits the scene and causes a frenzie. We can't even consume enough in a regular shopping day, that stores have to open 24 hours to ensure everyone's tree is spilling out with giftware and the stockings are brimming! Tis the season for the most affluent society to show the world that we don't have enough already, as families will go into debt over today's "must buys" that will soon be tomorrow's dust collectors. I think I'd be physically sick to see the bottom line of how much our North American culture ponies up in the pursuit of a "happy holiday"...
Don't get me wrong - I love Christmas. I love getting together. I love giving to people. I love throwing parties. And I love Jesus. He was the greatest gift-giver there ever was...but somewhere in the midst of eggnog and icicle lights we've lost sight of that. We've lost touch with His heart - and instead of the ball, we've dropped the baby...
Another Christmas rant for all the grinches in the mix...

just because...

2007-10-14T15:52:00.001-07:00

I love how God fills your life with just the right people at just the right time...just because He can. I had an awesome weekend with a new friend, Andrea. I was reminded what it is to just laugh...to just live and play...to just be crazy...just because!
No reason...except to enjoy the things God places in our lives. No lesson...no rocket science...just because...
and I thank You for loving me...just as I am...just because...

thanx for the pain...

2007-10-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

It took an extra bit of supernatural strength to make it to church this morning. After shooting a wedding I'm usually crashed to the world - especially after a hot, long day with my camera and a couple of lovely folks enjoying their new life together! But despite my exhaustion setting in, I knew that church would be awesome - and I hate missing out...
Being thanxgiving and all, we had a little bit of a theme happening, and during worship God was speaking to my spirit of what it meant to truly give thanx in ALL things. It's easy to worship and thank God when things are great...but in the face of pain, sickness, trials - we can turn on God with a complaining spirit and wonder out loud why He isn't listening to our prayers.
The reality of it is that He's already answering...
For example...thanx to years of abuse in sports, my knees and ankles are a bit of an interesting mix (oh alright...I'm just getting old!) EIther way, kneeling can be a bit of a painful experience. I avoid it with excuses and discomfort. Why would God require me to do something so painful? I've prayed for healing, and know that God has the power and ability in one word to make all things new...and yet He hasn't...
And it was in this moment that I realized why...why not everything is geared to our comfort and ease. Why healing does not always come in the way we would like. When something costs something, or hurts to accomplish - the journey testifies to the value of what is being pursued. Our pain is often the conduit that God uses to deepen the reality of our relationship with Him. He's not into maintaining fairweather Christians...He's into rooting His children in His love so that we can truly experience the depth of who He is.
I often wondered why God did not take the "thorn in the flesh" away from Paul. Here was a man who healed others, who pursued God with his whole heart... who endured terrible trials to proclaim Christ to the world. You would think he was due for a little ease... and yet it remained, and despite its presence, he maintained his relationship with God. He continued to pursue...to praise...to give thanks. He continued to testify in the face of discomfort and personal pain that God was good.
This is the very chord of our worship. We praise and thank God because He is good...(and to coin the cliche...ALL THE TIME!!!) His goodness does not change. It is not lessened by the struggles we face - rather it is heightened by His faithfulness through them. Circumstances do not change God's goodness...but sometimes they can change our perspective on God. When we truly catch a glimpse of God's goodness, whatever we face or endure in this lifetime will not alter that truth. If our praise and thanx are hinged on what we are experiencing, we will constantly be riding a rollercoaster of emotions and doubts at each bend in the road.
Besides pain being an opportunity God gives us to realize His value in our lives, God was also speaking of all the things He was accomplishing through pain...sounds crazy, I know. BUT IT'S TRUE!
I was reminded of the story of Corrie tenBoom, a woman who faced the hells of WWII concentration camps. Her sister made her thank God for all the horrible conditions they faced at Ravensbruck...for the crowded barracks...for the lack of blankets...for the fleas. These things scream at our flesh to complain and shift our focus from God, who is turning to good what was intended for evil, and onto what is affecting us. And yet, it was these very things that God was using to accomplish a greater purpose - for there is no pit so deep that God isn't deeper still...there is no situation that He does not have His hand in - and it is in the darkness of these moments that He can take us into the depths of Himself.
Pastor B. made an awesome point this morning. It dealt with a thanxgiving dinner many years ago when a man broke bread and GAVE THANX...for the bread that represented his body, and the wine that represented his blood. Jesus celebrated the first thanxgiving meal with his disciples - giving thanx to God for a sacrifice he hadn't yet made and what would be accomplished for mankind through it. Profound! Humbling...
Truly the pathway of pain is not the route most would choose to meet God on...and yet, when you seek His face with a spirit of thanxgiving, it will not matter what you are facing, His goodness will remain. It will strengthen you. Deepen you. Accomplish things through you.
What can I do but praise you? What can I do but give my heart to you? To get down on my knees before you (as painful as it may be) and thank you for all things...in all things...because YOU ARE SO GOOD!

hezekiah 31 (the epilogue)

2007-10-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

This is the last in my little trilogy...and it's kinda funny that it surfaces as first when reading through the blog, because it is a great premise to what God is calling us to do and be in this generation.
"BEWARE OF PRIDE"

Sounds so easy...but it goes without saying - pride is usually the downfall of many great leaders, and no one, not even Hezekiah, was free of its grasp. In II Choronicles 32 you read a short discourse of all the great things Hezekiah accomplished in his reign...but also where he tripped up...
v.25"But Hezekiah did not respond appropriately to the kindness shown him, and he became proud."
Note to self...IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!
This is something that you need to be very intentional about keeping in the forefront of your thoughts as you pursue God and return to worshipping Him. I am so thankful that God delights enough in us that He doesn't just save us, but that He uses us to accomplish His purposes on this planet. But in saying that, I have to constantly be humbling myself before Him and repenting of the whispers in my heart that want to pat myself on the back for my pursuit of God.
It is definitely an interesting balance of living out your giftings with humility and pointing the glory to God. I do not receive compliments well, nor do I feel comfortable in getting attention for the things I do...but even in this, I am constantly having to battle the prideful thoughts that vie for my attention, and humble myself before the One who it's really all about.
When King Hezekiah was obedient in what God was calling him to do, he earned the respect of the surrounding nations, and chapter 32 tells of many gifts that arrived in Jerusalem from outside sources because of this obedience. That's pretty incredible that God released the wealth of other nations to bless the obedience of His people. But talk about opportunity to get overwhelmed by pride...and the point of all this is that we all can get tripped up by it if we're not careful.
When you focus your eyes on God, those who are watching you will start looking in the direction you are looking. We need to stop looking in the mirror at what God created, and instead to the One who infinitely and wonderfully made us.
Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and HE will lift you up...
Do not look for the praise of man, but for the praise of the One who loves you, empowers you, and saves you...

hezekiah 31 (the dealio)

2007-10-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

The prologue to chapter 31 was a good premise to the amazing truth God was revealing to me (especially specifically to my home church, FH). I have enjoyed the past few months of being able to freely worship and seek God, and grow in the freedom I believe He intends for His children. There have been so many truths that He has been revealing to me, that I can hardly pen them all! I believe we are entering an age where the church as we know it is going to be redefined in the world. This thought may scare some people, but I believe it will be necessary in the call of reestablishing truth. Just like Hezekiah's reforms restored Israel to a right relationship with God, I believe we are entering a season where God is calling the church back to Himself. There were three things that stood out specifically...
1. To destroy the idols of our past...(verse 1) - whatever is keeping us from truly worshipping God in spirit and in truth. Not only are there the idols the world has set up as a distraction, but there are the idols within the church that have been distracting the worship of God. They are often very cleverly hidden under the guise of things that have been established for good. For instance, traditions were initially instigated as guides to train and maintain our focus on God. Over the years they have become rituals in which we gauge the spirituality of those who may or may not follow the same traditions. They can become cesspools of false-security in the thought that a disciplined lifestyle can equate salvation. If I attend church twice on Sunday, go to Bible Study and not get involved in a immoral lifestyle...I will be saved. But if you do all those things and you do not know God, what will it profit you? Jesus is the ONLY way, the ONLY truth, the ONLY life. NO ONE comes to the Father but thru Him. This is pretty intense. We can set up all the right skills and drills to be able to be amazing athletes, but if we don't know the coach, chances are we're not going to be playing.
It all comes down to attitude, and the motive behind our "practices" as Christians. I'm coming back to the heart of worship...and it's all about YOU...it's ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS...
We need to dust off the truth that has been sitting on the shelf for so long, clean out the "temple" of all the junk that's been building up and reestablish God as the focus of our worship. Worshipping Him should not be hinged on style, or whether we sing hymns or choruses...it's a reflection and response to who He is and the fact that He alone is worthy of our praise...
2.To release a spirit of giving within the church that will support the spiritual leaders God has placed amongst us.(verse 4)
In addition, he required the people in Jerusalem to bring a portion of their goods to the priests and Levites, so they could devote themselves fully to the Law of the Lord.
This means releasing those who are called to be spiritual pastors in our church to BE spiriutal pastors in our church and cities - and not have to worry about supporting and taking care of the needs of their families. This means supporting the business people in our church to be ministers and pastors within the workplace...or supporting the stay-at-home moms in our church to be ministers and pastors within their homes and circles God has placed them in...and so on. It means coming together as ONE body, and pooling together for the greater blessing of God's purposes.
The cool thing about this was that when the people commited themselves to giving, there was an abundance. There was more than enough. God blessed their giving and there was more than enough to spare that they had to build storehouses to hold all of the excess!
8 When Hezekiah and his officials came and saw these huge piles, they thanked the Lord and his people Israel!
9 “Where did all this come from?” Hezekiah asked the priests and Levites.
10 And Azariah the high priest, from the family of Zadok, replied, "Since the people began bringing their gifts to the Lord’s Temple, we have had enough to eat and plenty to spare. The Lord has blessed his people, and all this is left over.”
God isn't going to let his people "scrape by" when they are obedient in giving. The less we hold onto the idea that we need to take care of ourselves first, the more God can pour His riches through us and bless others.
3.Purifying ourselves.
The purification process of the leaders in the OT times was pretty intense. There were so many steps to the process that had to be followed in specific ways in order to make sure there was no room for error. It was quite a commitment for Levites to make to be leaders. They were "set apart" from the people in lifestyle and freedoms.
Although I think the regulations are a bit more relaxed in the freedom found in the blood of Christ, there is still a calling to continuously purify ourselves as leaders. How does the purification process work in the church today? I keep coming up with the verse "All things are permissable, but not all things are edifying."
What does this really mean? I cannot help but venture the thought that there are a lot of things that have no spiritual implications in our salvation that clutter our lives, our thoughts, our time. As leaders, although they are not "wrong", they just become stuff that keep us from drawing closer to God. I loved the section of the vision found in Red Moon Rising that talked about a generation that wouldn't be held by Hollywood, pressured by peers, bound by labels...it talked about a generation that no longer saw the glitter of the world, but was taken - body, soul, mind and spirit - with the beauty of God and who He is.
"Laying down their rights, and their precious little wrongs..."
It's not about God making rules about what we cannot do, but about us making the choice to pursue Him with our whole hearts and being intentional in whatEVER we do that He may become more.

Who could imagine a melody true enough to tell of Your mercy
Who could imagine a harmony sweet enough to tell of Your love
I see the heav- ens proclaiming You day after day
And I know in my heart that there must be a way
To sing a greater song, a greater song to You on the earth

Who could imagine a symphony grand enough to tell of Your glory
Our highest praise but a feeble breath, a whisper of Your thunderous worth
I see the heavens proclaiming You day after day
And I know in my heart that there must be a way
To sing a greater song, a greater song to You on the earth

...and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace...

And the underlying blessing of all this is that success is inevitable. (verse 21) "In all that he did...Hezekiah sought his God wholeheartedly. As a result he was very successful."
It doesn't get any simpler than that folks! When we start tuning our hearts and seeking after God with complete focus, when we learn to partner with God and what He is doing, when we start listening and obeying His guidance, when we stop our analyzing and start taking action...success is what awaits. Spiritual, financial and physical success. This outcome doesn't make the process easier...but it gives it purpose! I'm sure there were lots of obstacles to overcome, but with the motive of his heart being rooted in seeking FIRST after God, he could not fail.
May that be our focus, our desire, our purpose...

hezekiah 31 (prologue)

2007-10-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

So I had an interesting thing happen the other day...it's kinda becoming a common occurance in my life! It happened during my evening devotions (insert twilite music here!). I picked up my new camo tin bible (yes...I've gotten into the unfortunate and expensive habit of losing the word every once in a while!)and was like "okay God...what do you want me to read tonite?!!" Dangerous thing to ask...but it's cool to include God in your decisions of where a good place to dig in to his Word might be...I mean, He wrote it - and knows exactly what you need to hear and when!
This nite it was Hezekiah 31...hahahaha - nice try! That's not even a book! Trying to pull a fast one on me, eh! I decided to check out where the story of Hezekiah was in the Bible, just in case I wasn't getting my lines crossed...turns out it was in II Choronicles, starting at chapter 29 thru to 32. Interesting...
Here was a king, who at the age of 25 began his rule and in the FIRST MONTH of his reign took up the task of restoring the temple to a place of worship. Talk about not beating around the bush with priorities!
These were some interesting points gleaned before I reached the portion God wanted me to focus on...
1. God is into accomplishing things quickly when people are into establishing him in their hearts!
29:35-36: So the Temple of the Lord was restored to service. And Hezekiah and all the people rejoiced because of what God had done for the people, for everything had been accomplished so quickly.
2. Just because it's a good idea, does not mean you will have the support of your own people. In fact, you will often be persecuted by your own.
30:10-11 The runners went from town to town throughout Ephraim and Manasseh and as far as the territory of Zebulun. But most of the people just laughed at the runners and made fun of them. However, some people from Asher, Manasseh, and Zebulun humbled themselves and went to Jerusalem.
3. When the motive of our heart is pure, God is gracious in our mistakes.
30:18-20: “May the Lord, who is good, pardon those who decide to follow the Lord, the God of their ancestors, even though they are not properly cleansed for the ceremony.” And the Lord listened to Hezekiah’s prayer and healed the people.
4. We were made to party (especially WITH God!)
30:23,26-27 The entire assembly then decided to continue the festival another seven days, so they celebrated joyfully for another week. There was great joy in the city, for Jerusalem had not seen a celebration like this one since the days of Solomon, King David’s son. Then the priests and Levites stood and blessed the people, and God heard their prayer from his holy dwelling in heaven.
When's the last time that we dropped everything to worship God for a week (or two) straight? Setting aside "LIFE" to celebrate how awesome our God is? When was the last time you experienced extreme joy because God was SO GOOD?!!! Perhaps this is a new season in the life of the church where the focus will be returned on God and the church will be a place of extreme joy at the liberty and freedom found in Christ...
because God is listening...

living with vision

2007-09-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

get naked...

2007-07-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

Now that most of you are already feeling awkward, you're probably wondering where am I going to go with this entry...good question! Blame Chuck Swindoll for this train of thought!
The subject of nakedness tends to make people uncomfortable and seemingly embarassed. Understandably so...our exposure and upbringing have heaps to do with this fact. Born and raised in a dutch culture, we didn't get around to talking about the "personal" stuff much...if at all! Confine your life with all it's complexities to composed silence...flawed philosophy.
This mentality, although great in the appearance spectrum of life, often tends to leave people with confusion, shame, anxieties and fears. These can be roadblocks to being an intimate person. Intimacy, in its truest form, stands unashamed, as is...completely vulnerable, sacrificial, honest, and open to trust and surrendering the deepest darkest corner to another. Challenging...
I have this problem (amongst many!) that causes me to start isolating my heart as soon as someone gets "close". There is no way I'm going to get vulnerable...let them see me as I truly am...naked. There's too much at risk. Too much to hide. Too much that the passing eye doesn't see.
And yet, this is the kind of relationship that God desires to have with us. One without shame (for He has removed ALL our shame on the cross), one of honesty (for he knows our very thoughts and formed our inmost beings, and is well aware of the desire of our hearts), one of sacrificial exposure - believing that He will protect and keep our hearts. He desires time alone with us. He wants to see us naked, so to speak...without pretenses, without our efforts to appear beautiful before Him, as we are. He wants us to trust Him with our vulnerability. He wants to love us without the isolating walls. And yet this intimacy comes at a cost to His beloved.
I will be the first to admit to having tried to hide from God - very similiar to Adam and Eve in the garden. I'll look pretty on the outside, and pretend you can't see what's happening on the in - all the while patching together a covering of leaves that only makes me look even more ridiculous! Recently God has been challenging me on being real...exposed real. Scary concept. It involves risk...something I am not skilled at by any stretch of the personal imagination. But when you take that first step...it's hard to turn back.
What is keeping you from getting intimate with God? What risks are you willing to take to get closer to Him? What will it take for you to come naked before Him?...

amputated

2007-06-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

"it is better to enter into life maimed but lovely in God's sight,
than to appear lovely to man's eyes but lame to God's." - OC
"...There are many things that are perfectly legitimate, but if you are going to concentrate on God you cannot do them. When God changes you through regeneration, giving you new life through spiritual rebirth, your life initially has the characteristic of being maimed..." These words really struck me today - to what lengths will we go to maintain a healthy connection with God? Most of us go through life with dead limbs hanging off our spiritual bodies - unwilling to really part with the things that have been put to death or hinder the health of our relationship with our Creator. There is the pride sometimes of possessing the freedom to do all things, but it is a sacrifice of love that will say "You mean more to me than doing this. I choose to cut it from my life so that I can get closer with You."
To the world we will look like an amputee - unable to participate in all the activities they enjoy, but to God we are beloved children that will one day be "perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." Matt.5:48

what is God's vision and purpose for me?

2007-06-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

His purpose is for me to depend on Him and His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish - His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is to see "him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, no goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea". It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.
God's purpose is to enable us to see that He can walk on the storms of our lives right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.
-Oswald Chambers

hold your horses!

2007-06-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

I would have been a perfect Alec Ramsey. I always wondered why Walter Farley had not penned me into his epic story The Black Stallion. Perhaps it was because I had not been born yet...
Since I was a little grommit growing up, I loved horses. I loved everything that had to do with horses. I pretty much loved every book, movie, or farm that had to do with horses. I rode horses. I lost riders off of horses. I drew horses. I wrote about horses. I dreamed about horses... you get my point!
There was something majestic and powerful that exuded from their strong frames each time I saw one go full throttle that left me speechless in wonder. Something sweet in the harmony of pounding hoofs drumming along the ground that made my heart race. Something about the strength and power that was reigned into their regal bodies that commanded my respect.
The Black Stallion was one of my favourite classic movies of all time, and one of the most beautiful horses I had laid eyes on as a child... Here was a tale of two polar opposite creatures forging a remarkable friendship: a young scruff of a boy, and a wild, uncontrollable stallion. Stranded on an island, the boy gently befriends the beast and they become inseperable. Though wild and full of energy, the horse slowly submits its will to the child - to the point of allowing the boy to climb upon his back and ride - without saddle, without bit or bridle. I think it is one of my favourite scenes in the movie when Alec and Black take a run down the beach - in tune with nothing else in the world but their new-found friendship.

God reminded me of this story the other nite at Revoltuion. Apparently I don't make a good Alec Ramsey...but a better horse. Like the stallion, I am full of energy and wildness. I was stranded. I was befriended by a humble child - born in a manger. I forged a friendship that changed my life. And I wanted to submit my energy and passion to the still small voice of the One who loves me, and go racing through life at full throttle, in tune to the promises of the One who is riding me...
"I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control..." - Psalm 32:8-9
You see, sometimes I get a little eager...I get a little out-of-hand, and there are times when I have to be controlled and reigned in by the Father. It's not that I don't want to listen, but, when I allow my steps to be persuaded by an unharnessed passion to just live for God, I can miss the instruction of my Master. Eagerness can cost the race when it is not coupled with obedience. An eager horse that is uncontrollable will always lose, but the horse that has submitted it's will, passion, and energy, and has tuned its eagerness to wait on the direction of its rider will be first out of the blocks and finish with excellence.
God doesn't want to go through life bridling His children...He wants to develop relationship and have you so in tune with Him that you can finish with excellence. He wants you to trust Him with your passion and direction so that you will submit them into His hands. He wants you to quiet down so you can hear Him speaking....And some days, His desire will be to take you to the beaches of life to enjoy the freedom of running full throttle, bareback and unbridled, at One with your Creator.

are we there yet?!!!

2007-06-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

This is the classic of all road trip phrases…often said in exasperation and impatient anticipation. Having become a road trip fanatic in the past few years, I have become savvy in the etiquette of long milers and have refrained from uttering such phrases. If only I could be so disciplined in life…
Our anxiety and analytical mindset of having to know EVERYTHNG RIGHT NOW often kills spontaneity and adventures can be missed. We become so focused on the facts, or getting there the fastest way possible that we miss out on the ride or random roadside escapades.
God’s been teaching me heaps about trust lately, and ironically enough He used the example of a road trip. I had the awesome opportunity to take Casper up north a couple weekends ago with some friends. As yacking usually goes, you tend to not be as attentive to road signs, and to make a long story short, we missed our cutoff to the “fastest way”. What a great opportunity to take the scenic route and create adventures of our own. A 3 hour trip turned to 5, and with a plethora of crazy pics and random finds (aka couches) along the way, we finally arrived at the cottage.During our stay, “interesting things” happened (now there’s something new in my life!) that caused me to really question God on His reasoning. What was the purpose? Why did these things happen? What the heck was going on?!!! And for a moment I became the whiny kid in the back seat "Why are we turning here? Why are we going down this road? Are we there yet?!!!"
I could almost hear God’s sigh.
And in my spirit I knew I wasn’t going to get an answer - not the one I was looking for anyways!
“My child…do you not trust me enough to know there are reasons I take certain roads. There is purpose in each stop. But that’s not important for you to worry about…the details are not as exciting as the ride! Enjoy the drive! Enjoy the changing scenery. Trust me enough to know that I am taking you the best way…that the destination will far exceed your expectation.”
And there was peace.
Peace in the fact that I didn’t have to know why He was going down the road. Peace in my knowledge that He is a giver of good gifts - perfect in His timing, and precise in His execution of His plans. It’s not that we cannot question Him on things, but sometimes He just wants us to enjoy the road, find amusement in the quirky adventures we find ourselves in, and trust that He will lead us into something amazing.
So buckle up little buddy…

a new day has come...

2007-06-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

I've had this worship song playing in my head for the past 24 hours...there's something stirring in the world. It's exciting to be a part of that...

It's time. Time for the dead and gone
Time for the broken ones to live again
It's time. Time for the dead to rise
Time for the wings to fly to live again

I can hear the calling
I can hear the sound of rain
Over the mountains and over the valleys
I hear the calling it's time

It's time. Time for the dead to sing
Time for the walls to ring
With the songs of freedom
It's time. Time for the numb to feel
Time for the wounds to heal
With the songs of freedom

I can hear the calling
I can hear the sound of rain
Over the mountains and over the valleys
I hear the calling it's time

It's time. Time for the tide to turn
Time for our hearts to burn with a desperation
It's time. Time for a sacrifice
It's time that we paid the price for our generation

Over the mountains and over the valleys
I hear the calling it's time
Over the cities and all through the nations
I hear the Saviour...I know it's time

it's time...

2007-05-20T17:17:00.002-07:00

I had my own private worship service with God today... it was pretty amazing, not going to lie! I brought a blanket, my camera and journal, and camped out with the bugs and one lonely and confused bee in the long grasses of my hill. I haven't been there for years... it was looooong overdue. I guess it's been a progressive journey past (and thru) the things that don't matter to the one thing that matters - a relationship with Jesus Christ. All of the the rest of life is just stuff that gets in the way until you're truly connected with God.
The sun broke through for a few glorious moments as I lay in the grass watching the cloudy sky pass me by. It was almost as if God was showing a glimpse of His favour on those who pursue His presence. And between watching spiders dance on their webs and prepare dinner, to scribbling madly in my journal, I got the insane idea to run and dance. Yeah... okay. Whatever. Like I'm going to do that - I'll probably kill my ankle, or fall into the creek, or get reported by the neighbours!!!
Obedience to the point of stupidity... here goes nothing. And so I got up and ran through the meadow. A little hesitant at first, and then with a little more energy... and then full-out with a few arm-flailing twirls. I pretty much looked like an idiot... God only knows what the poor couple walking down the road thought as I spun around and realized they had been watching me! But you know what? I didn't care!
...I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King, nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul... and I'll become even more undignified than this, some may say its foolishness, and I'll become even more undignified than this, lay my pride by my side... thanx David Crowder for penning a song that captured the heart of King David's worship and should challenge us to passionately live before the One who deserves our whole-hearted praise!
One of the ways that I worship God is through my camera lens... ...and one of the ways God speaks to me is through the simple things I see thru my viewfinder. They become metaphors, preachers...challenges to sow the seed, to not allow the life within me to dry and shrivel out...to seek refreshment and the treasure that God has placed in my heart...you should try taking a camera out sometime, and stop and look at a creation that God is speaking to you through.
God revealed so much to my heart during this consecrated time to Him. It's amazing what you can hear when you actually shut up and listen! He is everywhere and in everything. He desires our hearts. Our focus. Our love.
As I was sitting there I watched an insect straddle-walk two blades of grass. It was going fine until the blades started stretching in different directions. He started to struggle - he had to commit to one or the other. The point came where he had to make a choice between the two, or stay in the same place. Interesting life parallel for anyone...Anyways, the last part of my time was spent penning a song. The lyrics flowed out thru raw, unpolished ink... perhaps someday God will give me a tune, or someone else a tune... for now it's words in a journal... a simple worship song to One who is changing me beyond expectation...

Never be the same...
Father of heaven, Maker of earth
Creator of my soul
You spoke, one word
And all that's of worth
Found light in amazing love.

The mountains will shake
and fall into the sea
The oceans will roar Your name
Your presence will melt
the darkness will flee
And I'll never be the same

As I look to the hills
As I search out the skies
As I gaze upon Your grace
My heart is awakened
My spirit is shaken
And I'll never be the same

I surrender
All that I am
All that I'll be
I surrender
I lay it all down
That You may be found in me

You speak in the whispers
You speak in the wind
Your beauty is all around
I cannot mistake You
I cannot replace You
You fill me entirely

As I look to the hills
As I search out the skies
As I gaze upon Your grace
My heart is awakened
My spirit is shaken
And I'll never be the same

I surrender
All that I am
All that I'll be
I surrender
I lay it all down
That You may be found in me
I surrender
All that I am
All that I'll be
I surrender
I lay it all down
And I'll never be the same
No...I'll never be the same

May each of us allow God to change our hearts in such radical ways that we are never the same...that we continue to grow deeper and closer to Him each passing moment. May your heart never rest until it rests in Him...

obedient to the point of stupidity...

2007-05-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

After Revolution last week, this was a phrase that was on my heart. I’ve had a few people wonder what it meant exactly. I would wager the opinion that it involves a surrender to God and His work in your life in such a complete way, that you would pretty much be willing to do anything He asked in your life – no matter how stupid it would make you look or feel. It involves nailing ones pride and flesh to a cross, and stepping out because the One calling you is worth the sacrifice. This, by the way, is complete foolishness to a world that cycles on reason and logic. God’s wisdom is in exact opposite to human wisdom…I think it was made this way so that when one obeys something that doesn’t make sense in their brain, whatever results from it can only be accounted to God and bring Him the glory. It is very Biblical to lean NOT on your own understanding...

sidebar... I thought it was interesting that the word "stupid" actually is derived from the word "stupere" which means to "be amazed or stunned"

Imagine what would happen if Christians actually started being obedient to the point of looking stupid. How does that work itself out practically, one might ask…to Mr. Genor, it was handing out pamphlets on George Street and posing salvations question to complete strangers, (George Street Story), to George Muller it was sitting his 200+ orphans down to pray for a meal when there was no food in the kitchen (they never missed a meal BTW)... it could be as simple as a physical response (ie. kneeling, raising your hands etc) in worship, picking someone up on the side of the road, taking the “wrong” way home, shouting something out randomly, starting a convo with a stranger... anything to get us out of our comfort zones and stepping in obedience to whatever the Spirit is leading you to,
Last nite it was leading worship.
That may not seem so extreme to some people - but it goes deeper than just singing a song. Tonite God did something awesome in my heart... and it started with obedience. I had reached a point of desperation. I needed more of God. I wanted more of God. It was pressing on my heart without release. I wanted to live completely abandoned. Completely in love... without hesitation or regret. With my whole heart, soul, life, body.
Last week during worship God told me to lead in singing. Ya right! There’s a worship team up there for a reason! I’m not a confident singer by any stretch of the imagination, and getting up infront of people is COMPLETELY outside my comfort zone. Let me hide out in the background vocals sections! I countered by singing “louder” from my little corner in the back. It was okay... just as good I figured.
Maybe not...
This week @ Rev we had a different start to worship: silence. No music. No leaders. No crutches. We were being called to worship a holy God with our hearts. The picture God gave me was a soul walking through a desert - leaning not on formality, familiarity, tradition... desperately seeking their love. And in this desert was an oasis. A paradise. The reward for persistance and obedience. Little did I know that this was the place God was leading me to.
We started singing and God was impressing my heart to go and lead worship. ACK! What the heck! I thought we went thru that last week! But tonite there was that restlessness that knew obedience was the only option. There was no back corner worship allowed tonite. (One thing about God pursuing your heart... He doesn’t give up very easily!) It was nailing my flesh... my pride... and stepping out and worshipping God with my guts because He is worthy of praise.
He is worth going out on a limb. He’s worth being humbled over. He is worthy of our praise - no matter what it sounds like! He is worthy of my obedience at all costs... to the point of making a fool of myself. It reminded me of King David being willing to become “more undignified than this” beause of His love for God. And so I sang... past my pride. Past my fears. Past the doubts and into the presence of my God. My obedience - a love song to my Saviour King. (sidebar again... God had already told Paul, the worship leader, that someone else would be leading worship... just so you don't think I'm the only one out in left field!)
Who am I to lead worship to the Most High God? I am no one. And yet I am one who loves Him. Who seeks after Him. Who desires to know Him more. I am one He delights in. He loves it when we praise Him without boundary in obedience, and with the motivation of bringing HIM the praise! It wasn't about physically leading worship... it was about the willingness to lead a life of worship, stepping outside myself because I love God more than my self.
I cannot begin to describe the freedom that washed over me in that time... the more I worshipped, the less hold my struggles, my obsessions, my lusts of the flesh held over my heart and gripped my thoughts, and the more He filled me with Himself. When the singing was over, I could barely crawl up the stairs to pray - humbled before Him and completely amazed at His love. I found Him in the wilderness as He had promsied I would. I came out of the desert leaning upon Him.
But it took a step of obedience. Abandonment. And my heart can’t stop singing...

another chapter

2007-05-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

God has been doing some interesting renovations on my heart lately...yeah. He's been gentle in the process, but it takes a bit of stepping out and being open for Him to really do a lasting work. Last week during worship I was writing down what God had been revealing to me about myself...and it kinda morphed into a response from Him. I didn't really think I'd ever share it, but last nite He asked me to infront of a whole room of people. Awkward...however, I don't think a lot of what is blocking my heart from freedom is isolated to just me. Maybe you have a wounded spirit within you that needs healing. Hopefully you are encouraged by God's words of love to us all...

In the corner of my heart – cowering and alone – is the Spirit of Acceptance. Bruised by lies and broken by rejection. Eyes once full of hope are hollowed by despair. A mouth full of song is blackened by the decay of sarcasm. Defending. Protecting. Full of fear.
The whisper of a heartbeat…just a whisper. But there. There in the darkness. Living in the pain. Surviving in the moment. Waiting. Lungs gulping at a destiny…the desire for more. For freedom.
In this darkened corner, His hand stretches out -reaching past the rags to the treasure placed within Acceptance. She has been robbed of her beauty by the blinded; by falsehoods. She has been clothed in tattered lies. They attempt to strip her of her inheritance, but no amount of strength, no sword, no darkness, no lie can steal what has been betrothed. She has been accepted.

You are mine. You are mine. Betrothed to me forever. In righteousness. In justice. In truth. In love. You are mine. Stop looking at the rubble to build your dreams upon…take My hand…I have prepared a place for you. Forget the lies you’ve been fed that have poisoned your thoughts, bruised your heart and blinded your eyes from seeing the Love standing before you.
I give good gifts to my children…to my bride up to half my kingdom! Never doubt that my best for you will be poured into your life. Don’t believe the lie that you have been looked over...that you are not good enough...that you are being punished. TRUST ME! Trust me with your whole heart. You have been accepted by the most high God. I will not deny you my love. I will not deny you the experience of love. Of protection. Of a heart resting in peace. TRUST ME!
Don’t sell yourself short. You have been accepted. You are the bride of heaven. Stop hiding. Don’t be afraid to be exposed and vulnerable before me. I love you! I love you ! I love you! I have made you to be free. I have created you to be beautiful. Believe it. Believe it for yourself. I who made you and created you know – the desires of your heart and what you need. I will provide. I will be protect. DO NOT BE AFRAID! I love you with a love that will never leave or forsake you. I love you. You are mine. The heavens lie open before you. I will clothe you as a field dressed in wildflowers. You shall be free. Free to love. Free to live. FREE!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

2007-05-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've never been in love. This was one of my random thoughts of the nite. I've loved family. I've loved friends...but never have I experienced those "highest halls of happiness" my grandfather used to tease me about. Kind of a tragedy really...but it's the truth. I've crushed...I've dated...I've had boyfriends...but love has elluded me, leaving me to ponder this phenomenon as an outsider. A spectator. A critic.
What is it like to love? Really...
One can think of poetry and romance, maybe get a warm fuzzy or two...but that is only shallow and will be swept away without a root. Why do we love might be a better question. Is it the simple law of a thing called chemistry? Physical attraction? Intellectual amusement? A little arrow from a possessed angel? It's easy to love the ones who clean up nice...but what about the unloveables? The untouchables?
Who kisses the cheek of the disfigured? Who carresses the body of a burn victim? Who extends affection to the cranky old man who has nothing nice to say?
We pretend we know how to love, and yet we scoff at the abused wife who stays with her husband. We shake our heads at the man who stays with a cheating wife. We are apalled at the marriage of a murderer. A pedefile. A rapist. How could they possibly love? Who could possibly love them?
We could turn our questions to a Sovereign who reached into the deepest darkest pit and showed us what love truly is. He did not bend to social status and hung out with the rejected: prostitutes, theives, adulterers. He set His table with sinners. He kissed the cheek of one who would betray Him to death. He held the hand of the abuser and said "Father, forgive..." He turned to a thief and opened up to him the gates of paradise. He looked out on a world full of brokenness and hate and declared - "It is finished."
It is finished...we have been shown the gift of love by the one who created us to love. He is the one who is associated with the Ted Bundy's of the world and offers hope, and a heart of love. A love not conditioned by externals or actions...a love that is genuinely focused on the best for those He calls His own. It wasn't pity that nailed Him to the cross...it was love. Love for the untouchables. Love for the unloveables. Love for me. Love for you. Love for the worst person on the face of the planet. Love...
I want to see like Christ sees. I want to see the soul behind the surface...the potential and purpose beyond the physical realm we are trapped in.
And I want to love. I want to love as my Saviour loved me...beyond culture. Beyond conditions. Beyond comprehension.

16 lines

2007-05-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Had a little confrontation with God last nite. In order to instigate freedom we need to face and acknowledge what is holding us back. The things collecting dust and stuffed in the closets of our hearts and minds. The junk that is just taking up space that God wants to fill with Himself.
Last nite He wrote a chapter of my life…maybe someday I’ll share it. For now I offer a simple poem – unpolished and surprisingly rhyming (I appreciate more abstract things)…but perhaps that in itself is a testimony of my life…
Whatever…God is exposing and I am humbled…

take a look inside my window...what do you see?rigid lines of duty...masked formality...6 strings that hold my song in fingers gently claspedbroken walls lay waste...
a beauty long since passed...behind the window...cowering soul that dares to dreamher fingers rooted deep within the core of mewaiting to unfurl the wings that long to flybut locked inside...shadows fill my thoughts...haunting memorieshid behind rusting doors...
held...released...a single note, so fragile in composing handsreaching out...
beyond the realm I understand...scribbled words upon the wall...what do you see?a bleeding heart spun safe in worlds of mysterywith feet that long to dance without a thought or fear...you've heard to much...
you've seen...
the sign is clear.

Hey Jude...

2007-04-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd introduce you to my new nephew Judah...Born this morning and weighing in at 8lbs, 6 ozs, he's definitely cute and definitely a keeper! Here's some of his first pics at only hours of age. Too bad he was sleeping and only really had one pose...

and I quote...

2007-04-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd share some quotes from one of my favourite authors...Clive Staples Lewis. It is not only important to be an influence in the lives of others, but to surround yourself with peeps who are sowing into you and challenging you to become all that God has created you to be - however painful the process. Your experiences are no doubt incredible, but never forget to leave your ears open to the life learnings of others. God has given great wisdom to His children - no matter what their culture or occupation...blue collar, beggar, wall street or child. Never rob yourself of being edified in and thru His people.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way”

“Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.”

“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”

“There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan”

“The very man who has argued you down, will sometimes be found, years later, to have been influenced by what you said”

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

“I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.”

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be”

“He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart”